1. Everyone looks at you funny and snickers when you’re wearing a neck brace. Everyone. Even if you don’t catch them doing it, you know they are because you would too.
2. Even if you know it’s not true, in your mind you look like this:
3. Nothing really goes with a neck brace. Not a tank top or blouse or cute dress. Your best bet is a potato sack, Jackie O sunglasses and a wig.
4. Even if you don’t normally have a double chin, you are now the proud owner of one.
5. If you sunburn easily and you forget to apply sunscreen and spend the day outside, when you take off your clothes that night you will look like a barber’s pole.
6. If you eat dinner outside and spray yourself down with bug spray, your neck brace will stink like it into the wee hours of the morning.
7. If your chiropractor is friends with your boss and casually mentions to your boss that he gave you a neck brace to wear until Tuesday, you cannot leave the neck brace at home Monday morning because your boss will call your chiropractor and tattle.
8. No one will offer to autograph your neck brace; it’s not a badge of bravery, it’s a donut of displeasure.
9. Your husband will probably tell you he’s “never done it with a chick wearing a neck brace.” Even if this is true, neither of you will act on it.
10. Your loving friends will ask you to send pictures of you in your neck brace so they can laugh at you. You’ll post one on your blog instead because you’re headless and appear more buxom than usual.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with a bag of frozen string beans and a muscle relaxer.
About me: I'm 42 and added another gherkin to our pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our 9-year-old Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.