Thursday, November 13, 2008

The oh-so-long road of self-suckitude...made better only with German engineering

No sooner had Chuck and I moved on from my residence in his ass than he finds out he’s not getting the pink slip—at least not this year. After.all.that. Of course, I came home from work and shared the good news with Diana, who got all teary and told me she’s so relieved because she’s never been happier nannying for someone, blah blah. She went on for a good 10 minutes. When she was done she said, “Now you know how much I like you guys. I hope you feel the same way?”

Fucking A. It hit me that in the three months she’s been in my home I have not once said, “Great job!” or “Thanks for liking my kid and my cats and my crumbling front walkway and my Mulletville neighborhood and my psychotic mother.” Not once.

The woman drives more than 45 minutes to come to my house. She brings educational toys and homemade hummus and an uncanny amount of cheese with her. She didn’t get angry when we brought her son’s gingerbread cookie man toy to Cape Cod and I accidentally spilled rum and Coke on it and changed its song from “Let’s make cookies!” to a sticky, creepy “whah smake wookieeeens.”

I like her. And I never even told her. I mean, I told her today but still, I feel like I should send her a card. Or flowers. Or a sweater made from my cat’s fur balls (it was Pablo Guero’s idea.)

Folks, if you have a nanny, put down your mouse and call the woman (or manny) and tell her how much you adore her in a nonsexual way. There should be a freaken nanny holiday. That way dipshits like me would stop for a minute and appreciate the sweet set-up they have.

I think I’ve covered my atonement for the month? Though there is that poor boy I devirginized back in ’92…oh God, and my gym teacher. And that Boy Scout.

Screw the Furminator. Only a 535i xDrive BMW Sports Wagon in cherry red can save me now (5-speed, please). I promise I'll send loving thoughts to all I've emotionally maimed as I'm driving...I swear!


Keely said...

Yay for no pink slip!
And yay for awesome nannies!

...Maybe you can just casually mention your blog, and she'll see you singing her praises?

Or, um, maybe you need to donate your upcoming BMW to her as a Christmas 'tip'.

HeatherPride said...

Hi! Popping over for the first time from Keely's site! Good to meet you!

My mom is my nanny. I love it, love it, love it. She drives 2 1/2 hours to get to my house and she stays with us during the week. She's my best friend (don't tell my hubby). I think I'll keep popping out a kid every 4 years or so, just so I can have an excuse to keep her around! Occasionally I do pick up a little trinket or clothes or something and leave them on her bed for her, just so she knows how great I think she is.

Dto3 said...

Oh, Honey - a Sportswagon? You are such a Mom, I'm actually embarrassed for you. BMW good. Anything with Wagon attached to it, not so much.

SRM said...

Would you want your nanny driving a BMW through Mullettville? Wagon or otherwise? That is a question to ponder!

Maybe get her son a new board game or a toy bmw...oh yes.. get him started early on top of the line matchbox cars!

Small Town Mommy said...

I have to agree with dto3. If you are going to dream, dream big. Go for the sports car, since it is a "gift" you can keep your existing car for when you are cruising with the kid.

Frogs in my formula said...

But the wagon is so practical! Ugh, yes, I am a lame mom.

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