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ABOUT ME

About me: I'm 42 and added another gherkin to our pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our 9-year-old Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

A weekend-long vegetable orgy is in order

Does this sound like you? Peel back the cover. Fondle the goods. Yawn. Stick it in. Tap your foot. Count the seconds until it’s over. Clean up and live in dread of the next time.

Yah, me too. It’s kind of what happens when you microwave one too many Morningstar Chik Patties and you look over at your child and he’s already shaking his head saying, “Nooo, noooo” like a frightened peasant woman who’d rather eat yak than another godamn chik pattie.

You have to understand: Chuck and I are Cereal People. The staples of our diet have been Special K, Honey Bunches of Oats, and beer. I did deviate one year when I ate a lot of frozen corn (Chuck was doing his own thing with General Tso’s chicken), but we have been remarkably content with food stuffs that float in milk.

Which is why one of my bridesmaids gave me this for my wedding present:



And why she inscribed it with this:



Well, isn’t that cute of her. She who can cook! She who can go into a supermarket, randomly select ingredients, go home and whip something up. Something that people will eat instead of pushing it around on their plates then politely suggesting pizza.

Want to know what I made Chuck the first night we lived together? Chicken parm. It was easy: I baked a few turkey breasts, slopped on some American cheese, then doused it with jarred spaghetti sauce. The next night I fried up some Italian sausage in butter then tossed in undercooked pasta and Italian salad dressing. Don’t forget the side of candied carrots.

Cereal, as you see, was just a natural progression.

Do you know how I yearn to breeze into my kitchen and successfully use exotic things like cumin and leeks and capers? Some days I daydream about the nanny coming over to find a counter full of freshly baked goods sprinkled with Juniper berries and Cardamom and shichimi-togarashi, whatever the hell that is. She’d stuff her face all day then go home and tell everyone she knows that Mrs. Mullet feeds people the right way. She’d say how satisfied she and her kid and Jager are. And I’d feel satisfied.

See, that’s the crux of it—I want to be culinarily fertile. I want to leaven a lasagna, birth a moist banana nut bread, souse a Succotash.

But more than anything, I want my son to go “mmmm” when he eats something I made. Not something from a box. Not even from a recipe. But from La Cucina de Mrs. Mullet, dammit.

Do they make a chik pattie patch? Gum? They’re just so springy!

11 comments:

JanaRose said...

Hahaha - thank you, I needed that laugh!!
Now that I think of it dinner was always Trader Joe's lobster raviloi and jarred vodka sauce - however you do make killer sweet potato fries :)

Dto3 said...

Face it, not every woman is cut out to be a good cook. Just hold on to the knowledge that you're good in the sack; otherwise, Mr. Mullet wouldn't have a reason to still be with you.

Frogs in my formula said...

Flutter, flutter, c3po you are so eloquent. And what a modern man you are!

Keely said...

What the eff is a succotash?

Frogs in my formula said...

Whatever it is, I can't make it.

Mary Anna said...

I must say (and Pablo and the kiddos will concur) that I rock the kitchen! I can teach you in the ways of menu planning, shopping just once a week for the ENTIRE WEEK and keeping a stash of go-to recipes for when you're just too tired.

Tonight, I made tater tot casserole (something Thing 1 likes). Too easy. Last night it was chicken with pistacho-cilantro pesto. Before that, my go-to chicken chilaquiles. Not bragging here, really. I've just found pure joy in cooking.

Now baking ... that's another story. I make delish peanut butter swirl bars and banana bread with chocolate chips and pumpkin crisp. Other than that, I'm terrified to bake!

Nicole said...

OMG--I love to visit your blog--it has me gigglin' up a storm!

Small Town Mommy said...

Being able to cook may not change the kid's reaction. I am good in the kitchen (everyone has to have a skill), but I still get the ewwww reaction anytime I make anything different. I usually get to really cook when we have company for dinner since they will eat something besides pasta.

Leanne said...

Um. I've been married for a gazillion years and have three kids. I still can't cook. I have no idea how I put dinner on the table every night. But the kids eat, and grow...so don't worry about it.

Or, take some cooking lessons and sign me up with you. :) Only however if it comes with free red wine.

Lidian said...

I cook but I don't like it. Understatement of the year, that. Like my mother i like to read the odd (old, weird) cookbook but not, not NOT cook.

I complain a lot while I cook, too. "I need to get back to my WRITING," I whine. Or, really, anything else that is not cooking.

Kitchen Retro really should not be on the Foodie Blogroll. I gotta do something about that.

I love that you wrote this, it is so great! :)

Jennifer said...

I'm not much for cooking either. It's not that I CAN'T, it's that I DON"T LIKE IT! Thank goodness hubby does the cooking. Otherwise it'd be KFC every night of the week!