%#(%@^&%#@^&%@^&*%!(*&lousysack(*@)^)(*&(*@)^)&@%#^&%@#^&peckerhead%@(^&%^&@#%#(%@^&%#@^&%@^&*%!*@)^)&campingforaweekdipshit(*@)^)
And that's no fun.
But everything's fine now. Except for one thing.
Do you remember Portrait Painter Man? I met him through work eons ago, and he asked if he could paint my portrait. Stupidly, I said yes. I say stupidly because it’s boring as hell sitting still for hours. Limbs fall asleep. Sometimes I have gas and really need to toot. I’ve been sitting for him for months now.
Also, Portrait Painter Man has horrible, ugly feet like this
and enjoys painting barefoot. As much as I try not to look at them, there they are, like something out of a horror movie. Plus, he likes to talk about his art—yawn—and technique—stretch.
But he’s almost done and I have to say, even though I’m just another lady to join his vast collection, he did capture Mrs. Mullet’s likeness. Except for the enormous fictitious jugs. But I suppose I can let that go.
As we were finishing up Saturday morning, he asked if I would consider posing for another painting.
In the nude.
After I’d regained my composure I said I’d—nervous giggle—think about—nervous snort—it. When I got in the car, I called Chuck: “I'm still mad at you. Can I pose nude for a painting?”
First he replied, “No.” Then, a few seconds later he said, “But if it’s on your to-do list, I won’t stop you.”
Right, because my to-do list looks like this:
1) Learn Italian
2) Get the hell out of Mulletville
3) Experience extreme awkwardness/humiliation posing naked for painting
No.Help.
I contemplated the question the whole ride home. I weighed the reasons to say yes:
Portrait Painter Man is a respectable artist who charges up to $30,000 for his figure paintings. He is well-known and admired. When I’m 80 I can pretend I'm the woman from the Titanic movie. Blah blah bah.
Then I contemplated the reasons to say no: I will have to be naked. He seems to have painted everyone and their mother in the nude. I will have to be naked.
I emailed my friends and asked them if I should do it. Responses ranged from “What is the purpose of the portrait of you nude?” (I’m guessing to see me naked?) to “I probably would do it, it will be cool to see when you’re old and fat.”
Such helpful people, I swear. When I got home, I Googled “reasons to pose nude” and discovered a bevy of helpful sites.
A bevy.
Like, this hilarious article, an anonymous "I Pose Nude" Forum & Chat Board (you know, in case I decide to do it and things go awry), and, probably least helpful, the reasons why Kate Hudson loves to pose for nude photographs.
No.Help.
So, look, I’m on the fence here. I’d be more inclined to do it if Portrait Painter Man didn’t:
a) already have such an extensive collection of paintings of naked women in his studio
b) have such grotesque feet.
But when else will someone ask to paint me nude? This seems like one of those things that only happen once in a lifetime. Then again, so does getting struck by lighting, and no one's lining up for that.
So, fess up: Would you do it? Should I do it? I added a little poll on the side; I’m thinking* that I’ll make my decision based on the results.
*I said thinking.
