Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Pay attention to me! I only had two glasses of wine. Me, me, me!

Well, I did it. Or rather, my zit and I did it. We got up and gave our marketing presentation to a group of 100 people. For those math buffs out there, that’s 200 eyeballs. All staring expectantly at me and my flesh colored bump.

I was doing fine until I realized there was no podium. It was just me, a microphone, a glass of wine, and a projector. Have you ever tried to hold handwritten notes and a microphone and gesture at a slide show while guzzling wine? Mmmyah. After 10 seconds I ditched my notes and ad-libbed.

I don’t remember anything after that. Anything.

Chuck was there. He said I spoke for 21 minutes, which was shocking to learn. What the fuck did I ad-lib about for 21 minutes? If I hadn’t seen the pictures, I’d swear aliens came down and abducted me during my intro.

Oh yes, there were pictures. I made the Mulletville rag. See?

The good news is that I learned something invaluable about public speaking: It’s a transient beast. Worrying about it is stupid. Half the people in the room probably forgot about me midway through my speech—right about the time they realized the linguine was giving them gas or they’d forgotten to feed their dog. I bet if you went to their homes right now, knocked on their doors and said, “Can you tell me a little about Mrs. Mullet’s presentation?” they’d say “Who the hell is that?”

I don’t often reference Dr. Phil because he’s turned into a self-promoting, crass, sensationalistic manbot, but I once read something his dad said, and it’s really stuck with me:

"You wouldn't worry about what people thought of you if you knew how infrequently they did."

Bingo! Essentially, I was addressing an empty room.

And more good news: According to the February issue of Psychology Today, the fact that my pimple was on the left side of my face was my saving grace. I quote, Don’t worry about that zit on the left side of your face; the right side is the one people notice most. Why? “Primates innately look first at the top left of their visual field. Once identity is established, why keep going?”

Mammoth-sized zits and social anxiety. Why keep going, indeed? Tomorrow’s post: How to make hand puppets out of your leftover lasagna and pantyhose.

You're welcome.


Keely said...

Is that YOUR left, though, or mine?

Glad you made it through with only a blurry memory to torment you!

Shelly - Tropical Mum said...

You remind me of something someone once said...

“According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” - Jerry Seinfeld

Thanks for sharing. I loved the bit about people thinking about the linguine giving them gas or they forgot to feed the dog :)

Shelly at Tropical Mum

Dto3 said...

I'm glad Chuck was there to hear you. Did he tape it? I hear uTube calling.

Shana Putnam said...

pantyhose and lasagna huh? Wow that will be a good one lol.

brokenteepee said...

I'm glad it went well.
I'm sure the wine helped.
I'm glad you didn't whine.
I'm sure glad it's over

Irene said...

You are too funny. And very brave! I am enjoying a glass ( second...) and reading your post just about made me spit out my wine (but I am very protective of my wine, so I stopped myself!)

Seriously, you are a brave woman and I am so jealous and am in awe at the same time. Congrats on giving the speech and having such a wonderful perspective on everything.

Btw, I love what you said about Dr.Phil--dead on!

mo.stoneskin said...

How could I possibly stay away from a post about lasagna and pantyhose puppets?

Lindy said...

I love that you ditched the notecards and not the wine. Hello? Priorities!

The Mother said...

Congrats. Glad it's over.

Sara said...

Were you channeling Ron White?

Glad the public speaking is over. Now on to bigger and better crowds.

Loving Wife, Working Mom said...

I had an interview yesterday and spilled a drop of sauce on my shirt... and I was two hours away from home... I cleaned it off, but I swore that my interviewers were going to notice this minuscule shadow and point and laugh me out of their office.

Jeanne Estridge said...

I'm sitting in my office at the clinic, dodging the ringing phone because EVERY call today has been someone with some kind of rectal issue.

What was it you were saying?

Brandy@YDK said...

congrats!! so the secret is wine?

Roshni said...

you seem to have very nice teeth!! :))

Grand Pooba said...

Wait, I've just realized the resolution to all my public speaking fears.


Mrsbear said...

Phew. All that agony for naught.

Also, you have Kate Beckinsdale teeth under the monstro zit. Nice.

Buggys said...

I knew you would be fine. You're totally right, people are trying to appear that they are paying attention but, come on, those mental grocery lists will not write themselves!

Unknown said...

i love what dr phil's dad said.

glad it's over for ya, now take care of that zit baby!

Jen said...

Congrats on it going so well. I saw an episode of Invader Zim (don't worry you will know what it is in a couple of years) the alien had a zit on his face that had magical hypnotic powers and kept all the kids of the school under his spell. It reminded me of you.

Oh, you won the contest on my blog! Congratulations!

Otter Thomas said...

Great tidbits about zit location and how unimportant I am to others. You are truly a fountain of knowledge.

Where we're at as we head into summer.

  Easter: "Look, Mom! Everett made all of your moods on his Easter eggs."