Friday, January 9, 2009

If you're skinny but you think you're fat I just bought you a ticket to Get the Hell Out of My Life

Now that it’s officially over with the nanny, I’ve decided to break up with some more people. Seems like a good time, seeing how it’s a new year and winter (I don’t know about you but the background of dead, lifeless trees always seems to bring the duds in my life to the forefront). And I like the idea of doing some human house cleaning; it makes me feel productive.

The first person I want to dump is my coworker Danielle. Sometimes we get lunch, sometimes we sit together at work functions. I’m dumping Danielle because I’m tired of having this conversation over the morning coffee pot:

Her: “You look so skinny!”
Me: “No way, you look so skinny.”
Her: “Shut up. I look like a house.”
Me: “You look great.”
Her: “I’m gross.”

Danielle easily weighs 30 pounds less than me—easily—so if she thinks she’s fat and gross how the hell can I look skinny? It’s mathematically impossible. Not only is this “conversation” pointless, it belongs in Legally Blonde and last time I checked, I was not Reese Witherspoon.

Danielle, you’re a talking floor lamp, and your duotone crimped hair is an unfortunate lampshade. Plus, you walk like you just got off a horse, which I guess is what happens when you don’t have any fat to support your gluteus maximus.

Bye, sweetie.

The second person I am dumping is a former co-worker friend, Wendy. (If there are any Wendys reading this, I’m sorry, but I have yet to meet a Wendy that wasn't a little nuts. Maybe there’s a Wendy out there who’s my BFF and I’ve yet to meet her but until then, I’ve got to go with what I know.)

Along with being a truth-bender, Wendy is a former corporate big shot turned stay-at-home mom. There are rumors she was let go, but she’d never disclose that. I’m ditching her because I’m tired of having this IM conversation:

Her: I’m having so much FUN playing Twister with the kids!!! I LOVE not working!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Great.
Her: Next we are going to bake brownies!!!!!!!!! I’m STILL in my bathrobe!!!!!!!!
Me: Super.
Her: Did you have a good holiday vacation (I don’t know what that word means anymore because I’m on vacation ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!)
Me: Yep.
Her: Well, have fun at work.

Wendy, Wendy, Wendy. Me thinks you doth tell me too many fucking times that you’re thrilled to be home. Last time I checked, staying home with two kids was not a vacation, unless you’re just plain dumb. And playing Twister in your bathrobe with your kids sounds a wee bit tricky (do you really want your three-year-old son straining for the blue dot that’s under your liberated crotch?).

If you were a real friend, you wouldn’t feel the need to exclamate your affected jubilation all over my computer screen. Sometimes Windex doesn’t get it all off. You’re obviously insecure and petty, and life’s too short to let people such as yourself populate my heart.

While we’re at it, did you really think I would let my child drink from those mangy, slobbery sippy cups you dropped off? Who recycles chewed-on sippy cups? If you wanted me to keep dental records of your children in my home why didn’t you just bring them over so they could gnaw on my woodwork? At least then I’d have a personalized memento of our friendship.

You’re gross, and we’re through.

Aaaahhh. Much better.


Denise @ Sunflowers, Chocolate and Little Boys said...

This is hilarious! Great idea getting rid of the toxic people in your life. And if you dump any more people, please write about it.

Jenni said...

Oh, yes....they both need to be dumped! Let's face it! You're just not that into them!

Temple said...

lmao...the dental records part killed me!'

Oh!!! I got my most awesome SNUGGIE yesterday and you have NO idea how much it made my week worth, have no idea!!!

Nicole said...

You're killin' me! Funny--belly laugh--funny! "...vacation ALL THE TIME!" now I'm rolling on the floor :)

Missy said...

Just found your blog! Love it! The skinny post is hillarios!

Keely said...

LMAO! I've never known any sane Wendys, either. We should apply for a research grant.

Jenners said...

Great post!

I've known those kind of skinny people who just bitch about how heavy they are all the time and just want you to go on and on about how skinny they really are. Not worth the time.

And any stay-at-home mom who acts like it is a vacation is either lying through her teeth or must have had a lobotomy. She sounds a little too desperate for me.

And recycling sippy cups? Gross! That's like giving you a used pacifier for your baby! yuck!

I'm gently "phasing out" some people who are just too much work to be friends with ... like the one who apparently keeps a scorecard about who called who first and whose turn it is to call. And the one who NEVER calls so I'm not calling either. Not much of a friendship right?

Great post! And I enjoyed some of the other ones too (Elmo & the Fort).

Dto3 said...

Please don't dump me. I promise to be a better friend. Really I do. BFFs, I swear!!!!

kel said...

Oh my god, I choked on my coffee.. that was hilarious! and yes, I think we all know a "Wendy".

Lidian said...

Thank you for a fabulous laugh! Love this post a lot.

Unknown said...

I have recently done the same thing with many in my life. Enough is enough. I got rid of Facebook!

Anonymous said...

Your blog is fantastic!

Anonymous said...

okay, my turn: Cold Water Creek, it's over. I'm not your friend. You talk like you are chewing your face. Did I mention you are too young to shop there? Stop wearing pants with bedazzled shit on teh side I can't stand it.

Jane Doe said...

Yeah, totally agree with you on all Wendy's being a bit nuts. I have yet to meet one that doesn't drive me loony tunes. And the skinny gal that thinks she's fat just needs to eat a cheeseburger and shut the hell up!

Great post!

Frogs in my formula said...

I'm drying to hear from a Wendy who's all there! I'd love to meet you.

Frogs in my formula said...

Excuse me, dying. Not dRying.

Vodka Mom said...

My best friend is a skinny, skinny bitch. Damn her.

Of course i really like her so I can't exactly DUMP her.


rachael chatoor said...

HA, I was laughing out loud, SO nice to find you! Going to stick around! :)

Paul Eilers said...

You don't play nice, do you?

Do you even eat at a Wendy's?

Maggie May said...

just ran into your blog
and loved this post-
and no, YOU'RE skinny!

Frogs in my formula said...

Actually, I love Wendy's. And not just because it's one of three places to eat in Mulletville.

Stacy Uncorked said...

Note to self: Do not take a swig of coffee before reading these posts... ;)

LMAO! Yep, you're definitely better off without 'em...definitely! :)

VACATION ALL THE TIME...I'd sure like to find out how THAT's possible! I'm lucky - I only have one Little Nagger...even with just one it sure is NOT a 'vacation all the time'! LOL!! :)

Lisa said...

I hate Wendys, and I AM a stay-at-home mom. Vacation all the time. HA.

Someone must smack her.

Julia said...

And I though I was the only mom in the world who was slightly, ok totally, offended when another mom gave me used sippy cups! Actually, I am stunned there is another person out there trying to foist these rat chewed cups on someone else. I think my friend and Wendy must be friends. It's got to be that six degrees of separation thing.

Practically Joe said...

If you ever plan on dropping me ... please ... at least drop me a warning memo first.

Wendy said...

Crap. Why did I have to be the first Wendy to find this post and want to comment on it?

And unfortunately, I'd like to say all Wendys aren't crazy, but I might be lying. Except for me, I mean. I'm regular and normal.

Oh, I have a funny idea as to how we can test this... I have a mailing list that has about 90 people named Wendy on it (seriously). I will go post a link and see if we can get an informal poll on whether all Wendys are crazy or not.

(And me just saying there is a mailing list with 90 Wendys on it should give you some indication of the answer to that whole debate.)

wourpet said...

As a Wendy I was a little taken aback with the all Wendy's are nuts comment. I mean, gosh -- do ya think? But then again ... well I have admitted this to most of my family and friends but that's just to keep them quiet. Truly though, I am 100% normal so it can't be all Wendy's -- or maybe. You decide.

Anonymous said...

Nope, we aren't all crazy. However I am skinny.

Unknown said...

another Wendy here, and I am skinny too... however I have two jobs and three children (ok....THREE jobs...)

Crazy is relative.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure admitting I'm on a mailing list of nearly 100 Wendys qualifies as "not crazy". But other than that, I have NEVER played Twister with my kids in my bathrobe! Also, I did go crazy about 5 years ago-when I became a SAHM for a little while. It's a hard job and I love my children dearly but I'm a MUCH happier, healthier mommy when I work! Plus, I recycle the used sippy cups-to the recycle bin. I won't even give them to my OWN kids when they get too chewed!

So, here's one more vote that not all Wendys are nuts!

Anonymous said...

Definitely not crazy over here either , just a plain old professional mum who loves being a Wendy - As for the recycling the tipper cups , i am sorry that you feel that way if you don't want them don't take them , but as a local moderator of a Freecycle(TM) group you may find that not everyone shares your point of view, as not all of us want our stuff to clog up the landfills when they can be reused by others less fortunate who are willing to reuse and recycle

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