ABOUT ME

About me: My husband Chuck, our six-year-old Junior, our three-year-old Everette and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

It made passing the gravy very awkward

One of the most glorious parts of being a parent is marveling over your children’s milestones: first tooth, first solid food, first steps and yes, the first time your child finds flatulence funny (where’s the spot for that in the baby book, huh?).

Junior’s encroaching on another milestone, which is the realization that Mommy is a girl with girl parts and Dad is a dude with dude parts. I suppose I could play this one by the book and use formal terminology when instructing Junior, but part of the fun of being a parent is coming up with crazy ass names for your junk.

Right?

Take my mom. When my brother Ted and I were growing up, she called a penis a wingle—which sounds like something you’d stick to your roof. Like, “Is that damn wingle loose again?” When Ted got his first, um, you know, erection at Thanksgiving when he was a toddler, and he started yelling, “My wingle won’t go down!” at the dinner table, my aunts and uncles were perplexed.

“What the hell’s a wingle?” my grandmother shouted.

(My dad took Ted into the bathroom.)

Also bizarre was my mother’s nickname for vaginas. She called them cooties, which really confused me on the playground. Why were people giving each other vaginas? How could a boy possibly have a bad case of vaginas?

It still throws me off.

But now the fun begins. Now it’s my turn to assign some ridiculous pet name to our body parts. For the manstick, I’ve chosen the ever-popular wiener, just because I love the word. I wish my name were Wilhelmina Wiener, in fact, because then I’d been Winnie Wiener and no one—no one—would ever be able to say my name with a straight face.

As for the cha-chas, Junior’s kind of beat me to it. He thinks the girls are extra bellies. Just this morning he patted them and said, “Mommy, you have nice bellies.”

So, holyshit, he’s a boob man, not a leg man.

I’m telling you, the baby books are missing lines for all the good milestones.

Do you have a funny nickname you use with your kids when you talk about body parts, or did your parents traumatize you with strange nicknames? Don't leave the wingle hanging!

33 comments:

Sapphire said...

Wingle is hilarious.
When I was growing up my grandmother called my pre-pubescent breasts, teddy bears. I have absolutely NO idea why. And the vagina was a coochie.
Ahhh, thanks for the memories!

Suzi said...

Wanker comes to mind. My boys know all the names....cock, penis, weiner, wee-wee, pee-pee, parts, vagina, boobs, button in a fur coat (that is Uncle Mike for you). They have the names for the boy parts down, don't know all the names for the girl parts....yet.

My mom never talked about it. I learned it all in an age appropriate book and at school.

Kayleen said...

Ahh I cant wait to make up names ... I might steal "bellies" though... its always good to hear you have nice bellies.

Lindy said...

LOL! Your toddler is a boob man!

If that doesn't scream Mulletville, I don't know what does.

The Mother said...

As anatomists, we really cannot force ourselves to use pseudonyms.

Which leads to some strange moments on the playground.

Keely said...

"Cooties"? Awesome.

I don't remember any good nicknames. I think my parents were too politically correct to call them anything other than what they are.

My inlaws (and hubby) call X's bellybutton something really weird. Can't wait to see what they come up with for his wingle.

NeCole@Eclectic Ecstasy said...

Ok, you get to be Wilhelmina Wiener and I'll be Anastasia Beaverhausen. I've loved that name ever since Karen used it on the Will and Grace.

Vicki said...

Thank God I am still at the phase where fake burping is funny. But then again, he thinks any..uh...private hair is a diaper. I guess he just doesn't get it quite yet. I am sure I will be coming for advice soon!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

My funny story belongs to my friend. She taught her daughter to use the word "tutu" for her lady stuff. Which worked fine...until she joined ballet.

Elle said...

When we were growing up our mother never ever spoke of these things. To this day she spells s-e-x, can't even say it.

Anonymous said...

My 4th nicknamed my girls 'jur-gees' and would spend excessive amounts of time trying to squeeze them. Esp. while in the grocery store because sitting in the cart made them way too accessible. The other girl parts are 'ginas or hoo-hoos, and boys have winkies.

erin said...

Both the girls and the boys have pee pees.
Which is kind of confusing cause Elijah points out his pee pee to me and I think he has to go potty.
Oh well.

Baby News said...

I don't have to worry about giving parts names yet, as Ethan is only 11 months. I remember, though, what my mom called vaginas. I never understood it. Still don't, Ying-yang.

Bellies...that's pretty funny.

Rhiana said...

That was hilarious! We call the girl parts "who-ha" now, but it used to be called the "girl spot". Boys have "balloons" instead of balls. Funny all the names we come up with!

Mom said...

I don't recall what my parents might have used to name these parts.

We call them "privates" or "crevices" around here.

Kira did ask me how I could tell if the horse was a girl or not, and then followed by asking if it was because the girls didn't have those hairy things hanging down from their bottoms... Good thing I was driving so she couldn't see my face.

G-Man's Mama said...

Oh geez, I guess we should start thinking about what to call privates so that we can be prepared once the Man Cub starts being interested.

I currently call it his peeper or peep.

I thought vaginas were chinas for the longest time. Not going to work when daddy actually has to go to China for work.

Jenni said...

I grew up in a peter/vagina household, but decided that I wanted just a regular penis/vagina household for my own family. Neither of my kids know about anatomical differences at this point anyways, but Oscar dose has a penis. Or "penith" as he says.

Brandy said...

I didn't have a great nickname before but now...now, I do. lmao

Stacie's Madness said...

my mom use to call the girl parts "suzy"...and well, I couldn't carry that on because my daughter has an Aunt Suzy and didn't want her to think of Aunt Suzy as a vagina...though maybe...nah.

Pricilla said...

My parents just ignored the whole issue.

*sigh*

marybt said...

I plan to do what my parents did. Pretend they don't exist.

Sara said...

Baby bubbles is what my niece called boobs.

I on the other hand have taken the straight forward approach and call them by their anatomical names. That's your pee-pee and that's your poo-poo and those are mommy's boobies.

Kate said...

I am sticking with the whole penis/vagina thing. Mainly because I think vagina is a word that should be said frequently, because it, for some reason, is offensive to many and it just sounds gross.

Right now Isaac calls it his "piss." Not because that's what you do with it, because his speech isn't all that good yet.

Erica said...

Wilhemina is a greaaaat name :)

I have girls so the ole penis discussion doesn't come up all that often.

Although, I do like the term "nether region" and the "woo hoo" :)

A Mom on Spin said...

I'm still trying to get over the cooties. . .

And YES, my breasts have become my bellies!

Julia said...

At our house it's just straight penis and vagina. Pardon the pun... But baby Ella says "gyna" for short since its just to hard to get the vag part right for her still. Gosh I feel like this comment is one giant innuendo.

FoN said...

That thanksgiving story is hilarious! I just stuck with penis, but mainly because I think it's funny when little kids say 'penis'.

FoN said...

Oh! and for vagina's we just go with twat.


Kidding!

GreenJello said...

I grew up in a household where Those Words were never used.

So, of course, I taught my girls the proper anatomical terms of ALL their body parts.

I still remember my mom's face the day my 3 year old announced, "My vagina hurts!"

kyooty said...

I live in Doodleville population 3 doodles. they don't talk about my or the cats parts.

Mrsbear said...

Haha. I love this. We're pretty simple, we stick with weenie for boy parts, boobies for...you know, boobies. And the lady junk is a toss up, we've been known to say "down there" or "hoohah" or generally just refer to them as "privates" although my six year old just refers to his as "the private", which always makes me giggle.

Anonymous said...

My mother taught us to call them monkies and privates.

My son thinks a bra is called boobies which didn't occur to me as odd until we went shopping one day and proclaimed in the undie section that he liked all of the pretty boobies he saw.

Ruby D said...

Great stories. I just stumbled across your blog, looking for something completely unrelated! Which actually makes it a heck of a lot funnier!

Around here we call them Penises and Vaginas. I'd rather be embarassed by their frankness then leave them open to sexual predators, ya know?