ABOUT ME

About me: My husband Chuck, our six-year-old Junior, our three-year-old Everette and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Clearly I should run for city alderwench

Mulletville is such an easy target, I sometimes feel bad for pointing out its shortcomings. And maybe you’re tired of my blog posts about this decaying town. Maybe you’re wondering why the hell we just don’t move already? Maybe you think we’re the most irritating kind of people on the planet—you know, the kind of people who complain without ever trying to fix their situation.

Well, look, we’re trying to get out of here. But first we need to figure out where we want to go. Then Chuck needs to get a job. Then we need to sell our house. Then we need to break the news to my Hand-that-Rocks-the-Cradle mother (not necessarily in that order). Until then, we’re here.

In the meantime, I suppose I am going to keep trying to make it work. I was never good at breaking up with boyfriends, why should it be any different with a town? And what does that say about me if I admit defeat? There are hundreds of toothless rednecks who swear that at any moment Mulletville is going to experience a rebirth, and I’ll be damned if I miss it.

Mulletville, I won’t leave you to die alone!

Ok, I’m totally lying. I’ve given up on Mulletville. Right now, I’m just going through the motions. I’m having the equivalent of pity sex with my hometown. Or worse, I won’t admit that Mulletville has erectile dysfunction and that no matter how much Cialis or Viagra I shoot into its arm, it just won’t matter because it’s limp and lifeless and that’s just the way the franks and beans crumble.

How depressing is that?

Do you think this mother at the Mulletville park feels the same way?



Yah, that’s right, after I got done with the hillbilly fair yesterday, I dragged Chuck to the Mulletville park. I’m sick like that. Chuck got mad when I asked him to take this picture for my blog. He said, “You’re being immature. You should know better. I won’t have any part of it.”

In the end, I convinced him to take the picture. I told him I was compiling a list of Mulletville fashion don’ts, which I was going to submit to the Mulletville town council. It’s a public education campaign, you see. I will bring decency and common sense back to this wretched town! I will rescue the mulletheads and g-string jelly roll exhibitionists!

See? I told you I couldn’t break up with anyone.

(Glowing halo. Fade. Cut.)

19 comments:

A Mom on Spin said...

Well that is so hilarious in and of itself. . . I have nothing to add!!!

Lindy said...

She does have good arm definition - I wonder if she works out?

Also, could Mulletville also be that boyfriend that thought he was "so good" at sex but really? All you got was a headache and the dirt out of your fingernails?

I hate that kind of Mulletville too.

Pricilla said...

You would miss Mulletville if you left....for a while.

Anne said...

You could always move down here to the Small Town. While the commute might take a while, there are plenty of things to make fun of here too.

blognut said...

No day is complete without a glimpse of a g-string jelly roll!

Kate said...

Are you SURE Mulletville isn't located in the deep south?

Keely said...

What? That's what I wore to work this morning.

Leanne said...

Oh, boy. You girl are cruel. I think I like that about you.

The Mother said...

That's the best you can do for fashion don'ts?

We have a lady at the Houston Airport who is always dressed as inappropriately as humanly possible. The boys have taken to documenting her current attire every time they go in and out.

Overweight by some hundred pounds, last time I saw her in a skin tight stretch micromini with, yes, wait for it--

Fishnet stockings.

mo.stoneskin said...

Well as long as you don't tell Chuck, how about I fake a ghost infestation over here and that could give him some work far away from Mulletville?

Choleesa said...

Tell your husband it is not immature. If these people chose to walk around in public LIKE THAT, then they get what they get

Mrsbear said...

I love that your husband had that flash of conscience before complying with the photo taking. We see plenty of exposed G-strings in our neck of the woods too, but they're usually on skanky teens and/or their skanky moms.

I think Mulletville would have to be put on suicide watch if you left.

kyooty said...

did you say you took this in mulletville? i'm sure I've seen "her" before.

mannequin said...

Honestly, don't people even look in the mirror? Cause when they see that, how can they possibly dismiss it?

In TX., they're called tarts and up here, we call 'em floozies.

Mad Woman said...

How come Chuck had to take the picture?? How do we know fashion-fuck-up lady isn't you?

I jest, I jest. It's not immature to take pics of people like that. If you leave your house looking like that, you're pretty much asking for it.

Suzi said...

Hmmm.....can't say I've been lucky enough to see that. You can come see me and read all about what I did see in my lovely town. And I do love my town!

Stacie's Madness said...

oh that town, look at how much blog info it's giving you...and now you can give back. it's really a win-win. ;)

I have an award for you at my place.

http://www.staciesmadness.com

Buggys said...

Hey, I don't live in Mulletville but I swear I saw her yesterday! Too funny.

Frogs in my formula said...

OMG Mad Woman! That's hilarious.