ABOUT ME

About me: My husband Chuck, our six-year-old Junior, our three-year-old Everette and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

At least I can admit that I'm emotionally immature, juvenile and unsupportive. Subtitle: Chuck could have done better



Try as I might, I cannot stop fantasizing about Chuck being creamed by a Mack truck (I know, poor Chuck, you must think I am the wife from hell). But listen, I don’t want him to die. I just want him to stop having so much weekday fun with Junior.

Today—which was sunny and 80, with no humidity—he called me at work to say that he was on his way to meet his friend and wife at a park. They would be there playing tennis (does anyone work?). While they volleyed, Chuck would amuse Junior on the adjacent playground. Afterward, they would all get lunch. Then Chuck would be on his way home.

Even though I promised I would not make comments like “Must be nice, asshole,” and “I guess I’ll just keep on winning that bread” (because it’s emasculating and rude, I know), I couldn’t help myself. While Mrs. Mullet toiled away, Chuck was able to:

1) see friends

2) answer to no one but himself

3) play with Junior

4) breathe fresh—as opposed to recirculated—air

5) poop in the comfort of his home or in the anonymity of a public place (as opposed to a shared office bathroom)

6) be free from Corporate America

Even though I promised I’d do better, I’m right back to where I was before, which is not mature enough to handle this situation. I want to be, I swear. I try to be grateful every day for the fact that Chuck is a great dad and he’s doing a great job and we don't have to worry about daycare because that’s what the mature part of my brain tells me, but the comments slip out. The call to the Mack truck driver gets placed.

The thing is, I know I’m not alone. As of June 2009, the male unemployment rate was 10 percent, versus 7.6 percent for women. Some of those women must be jealous freakazoid moms like me.

Before working fathers get ruffled, I know you get jealous, too. CNN covered it, so it must be true. And I just got an email from a male friend who wrote, “Yesterday I had Michelle for a couple of hours while Jen went to the eye doctor. I got a good glimpse of what life at home is like during the day. Michelle, t-shirt, jeans, a walk around the hood, Moms, strollers, nowhere important to be, no rush to get there...I’m pretty sure we’re getting shafted on this deal.”

Now, I know that the grass is always greener. I know that the life of a stay-at-home parent isn’t glamorous or fun all the time. But to help us shaftees, could you please lie and tell us that every day was a day from hell? Could you not tell us when you go to the park? Could you pretend to be a little less in tune with the needs of our child?

And could you stand just a little closer to the center lane?

Kidding! Omigosh, I am so kidding! (Though after reading this, I may just volunteer myself as roadkill.)

28 comments:

Baby News said...

I'm with you; although my husband has to work as well, so our little guy spends his day with one woman and some other little kids she watches.

She always tells me what a great day they had....I want to say, can't you just pretend he missed me all day?

Otter Thomas said...

I am glad my wife is able to stay at home with our son, but it definietly puts me as his second favorite.

Pricilla said...

That story was just too weird. I am sorry...

I am sure it is difficult to switch roles and since men are truly kids at heart I am sure that Chuck and Junior are enjoying their time together and Chuck just wants to share that not realizing how hard it is for you to miss it.

I am not helping, am I. I will go now and have Abby butt me.

A Mom on Spin said...

The pooping thing's important. . . it is!!!!

Keely said...

Oh those crazy Swedes. I love how it's all PC "equal opportunity" about letting men use their breasts to parent and then throws some terrible cliche like "men often have trouble finding things" in there.

The grass IS always greener. ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE AT THE FUCKING PARK.

Ahem.

mannequin said...

Oh... I'm sure they'd love nothing more than to have you with them:)
Just not in the Mack truck and all.

I cannot even begin to imagine how hard it must be for you but I don't think it's a bed of roses for Chuck either. I find it highly doubtful that he is able to poop in private.

Frogs in my formula said...

Yes...yes...let it all come out...my plan is working...mwahahahaa

Mad Woman said...

Hubby tried staying home with the kids for 6 months and just about went insane. We normally both work but I've been unemployed for 2 months now and it's really not all it's cracked up to be. by the time hubby gets home at night I'm ready to throw MYSELF in front of a mack truck. I'll trade places with you!

Suzi said...

Last night? Today? A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Guess what I was up to my elbows in? If you read my post you already know. PUKE, Throw up, chunks, vomit, barf......I think you get the idea. Then I got to get the steam cleaner from the store to clean carpets that were attack by such a nasty bug. FUN! Yeah, fun wrapped up in a nut shell. Not all roses, especially when the hubby just lays in bed and watches while I tend to the kid and clean up the mess as best as possible at midnight. Can't wait for the next bout of ills.

Andrea said...

Sorry I'm the stay at home parent. There are plusses and minuses thought to everything. I don't converse with other adult most of the day (except via blogs and is that really conversing if a blog doesn't talk back??)

I get to change diapers, make lunches and empty the dishwasher all before 8 am.

But I do get to play outside, explore and just be sometimes. It's a tough thing because I miss an office and people and grown-up things where I use my mind.

Maybe we could trade for a week or so?

heedpantsnow said...

Maybe this would help you feel better...Offer to let Chuck sleep in a little. Be sure to give Junior 3 or 4 pop tarts for breakfast before heading off to work. Then to cap off the fun, slip some candy into a snack trap and let him loose on Chuck for the day.

Just a quickie...give me a little more time and I can come up with something better.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

If the roles were reversed in our household, you bet I'd be jealous and wishing for the Mac truck. :)

That being said, however, hubby would never be as competent as Chuck sounds - which means that I would have double the work when I got home from working all day. So I'd still be wishing for the Mac truck. ;)

Lindy said...

The greener grass on the other side is astroturf.

Seriously? Although I love spending time with my daughter - I know it's not healthy for me to be at home that much.

We'd probably build some kind of mass weapon out of playdoh or something.

kyooty said...

would this help? my middle child said I was mean because I wouldn't let him not do what he was told, and I got to hear bout it all day, and daddy came home and he cried for him?

blognut said...

Just wait until Junior gets a cold this winter (not that I want him to), and Chuck has to spend the day with a crabby toddler full of snot and woe.

Jenera said...

I must be a bad SAHM then because I don't get days like that. At all. And I am so open about the bad days with the hubby. Oh yeah, if the kids are screaming all freakin' day, I call him so he can hear the insanity.

Holly said...

Have another baby... Chuck will NEVER leave the house again. Problem solved.

I can understand where you are coming from. And, after reading things like this, have tried to be more careful when talking about just how "hard" it is to take all four kids to the pool alone. You always make me laugh, and my husband doesn't, so I can take it coming from you.

JW.BW said...

Its actually one of my goals to make enough moolah to have my honey stay at home. After all, he cooks better, cleans better, and has totally mastered laundry. I can admit when I am defeated, and he definitley has me beat at all home type stuff!! Id much rather be at work, I dont have the decipline to keep myself to a schedule at home!!!

♥georgie♥ said...

I wish my husband would do more he was off the entire month of aug(except weekends) and slept till noon,scratched his ass,made sexual advances towards me,slept some more watched married with children more sexual advances BUT when it comes to helping out with the kiddos or house fagedaboutit!
I may join you as roadkill

Grand Pooba said...

tee hee hee! I hear ya! I'm a seven to fourer (as opposed to nine to fiver) And would kill not to have to go into work every day. Be in the comfort of my home everyday sounds like heaven.

Madge said...

I understand! I'm the only one working right now, my husband is about to to back to school, and I have to practically grab the duct tape and tape my mouth shut to keep the bitter comments from slipping out. It doesn't matter what he does (or doesn't) do around the house. It annoys me that I'm working and still doing most of the mommy stuff...

rachel said...

My days are filled wiping butts and noses, referreeing fights, fishing Polly Pocket shoes out of little mouths, enforcing time-outs and then we LEAVE the park and I get to go home and scrub the floors and be homework Hitler. AGAIN!

At the end of the weekend, my husband is thrilled to winning the bread, let me tell you...

Does that help at all?

SLColman said...

The grass is always greener :( I don't know why but it just seems that way. My husband tells me all the time he wishes he had my part time job - I am looking for full time still... I want to work but the economy has other ideas it seems.

Jeanne said...

Having supported (financially, not emotionally) two house-husbands, here are my words of hard-won wisdom: it will get easier in the winter.

(And just be glad he's doing a great job, instead of a) getting zonked on marijuana and b) chasing other women in his free time.

(BTW -- Old Dog works 5 days a week and I can't tell you how sexy I find it.)

Eternal Lizdom said...

I have no words of wisdom or wit... just wanted to thank you for your honesty!

Leanne said...

Well, yeah. I'm no help. I LOVE being at home. I take all type of crappy writing jobs just so I can stay home and answer to no one. And yeah, I should be getting a better job and leaving home...whenever hubby mentions it I ah, run....and not for the road because I'm afraid he's thinking what you're thinking.

The Mother said...

There's not a woman alive who doesn't fantasize about her hubby being creamed by a mac truck.

It's just a fantasy. It's okay.

Just dont tell anyone, so if anything happens to him, you won't be the prime suspect.

Kate said...

Sometimes you just gotta vent. I was in desperate need of that laugh, thank you.