Wednesday, October 1, 2008

If you're going to say someone resembles a movie star, you should probably pick someone attractive

I'm sure I've mentioned that my office is a wee bit saturated with estrogen? Well, we have a new employee at work. And I'm happy to report that he's a man.

Clap, clap.

Well, kind of—he's only 20. So I guess he's not a manly man, but he hath brought with him many of the gender's trappings: unsavory cologne, slouchy pants, and white socks with black sneakers. (For those of you who wear great cologne, snug pants, and sexy brown loafers, call me: 1-800-MA-LIKEY).

Mr. New Boy sits right outside my office door and after a few hours of squinting at him I realized exactly who he reminded me of.

"You look just like the guy from the Legend of Billy Jean!"

"Who's Billy Jean?"

"You've never seen the Legend of Billy Jean? It's an 80s classic."

To which he said—are you ready?—"Nothing good came out of the eighties."

Sputter! Gasp! Whaaaaaaaat?

Was it possible he had never heard of leg warmers? Madonna? Thriller? MTV? Fricken' Boy George? The 80s were, like, one of the best decades ever. What about The Breakfast Club? Tie-dye jeans? Socks rolled over your pants?

How could he say that about my beloved 80s? Especially since the residents of Mulletville religiously pay homage to the decade with their big hair and stonewashed jeans! He's surrounded by tributes to the 80s every day for fuck's sake.

"It's a good movie," I said. "Some old guy tries to steal from Billy Jean because she's hot so she runs away with her friends and becomes famous. You should rent it."


"Here, I'll show you who I mean." I made him Google the movie. Then we Googled Keith Gordon. Then we experienced an awkward silence as several unflattering pictures of Keith Gordon came up. Like...


Even better...

"I think I was thinking of someone else," I lied. "You really don't look like him at all."

"He's bald."

"He wasn't when he was in Billy Jean. And he was cool in Christine."

"What's that?"

See, until he asked that I felt kind of bad. But I decided that after he's taken an 80s refresher course and can tell his Thompson Twins from his John Cusack I'll pick a more attractive doppleganger for him.

Until then, I'm sticking with Arnie.

Did I miss anything else from the 80s?


harrietv said...

I wouldn't discuss movies with a young person, not since the day my sister had the following conversation.

"I watched My Fair Lady last night."

Response: "I don't watch old movies."

She said, "I think of old movies like those in the forties."

"Did they have sound then?"

Nobody taught those kids manners. Or movies.

Joe Somebody said...

I have noticed that a lot of people that age have no idea about the 80's. Some do and those people love it. My wife being one of them.

Lisa N. said...

Ooh, is this the new assistant? The boy has NO idea what he's in for.

Jay @halftime lessons said...

Ya...Arnie was much cooler in the book...didnt have to see his face...

Practically Joe said...

Young whipper-snappers.
I'm always telling this one young man on our staff to pull up his pants. How do they stay up? Why don't they fall to his ankles when he walks? Do young girls think this style with the underwear-butt sticking out over the droopy pants is attractive? I don't understand.

Frogs in my formula said...

Joe, I'm with you. I hate low pants. I don't want to see someone's boxers. What's gotten into these kids? (I can't wait to be 80 so I can shake my cane from my porch and tell them to get off my grass.)

We all have our vices. Mine are just...bulkier

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