I'm sure I've mentioned that my office is a wee bit saturated with estrogen? Well, we have a new employee at work. And I'm happy to report that he's a man.
Well, kind of—he's only 20. So I guess he's not a manly man, but he hath brought with him many of the gender's trappings: unsavory cologne, slouchy pants, and white socks with black sneakers. (For those of you who wear great cologne, snug pants, and sexy brown loafers, call me: 1-800-MA-LIKEY).
Mr. New Boy sits right outside my office door and after a few hours of squinting at him I realized exactly who he reminded me of.
"You look just like the guy from the Legend of Billy Jean!"
"Who's Billy Jean?"
"You've never seen the Legend of Billy Jean? It's an 80s classic."
To which he said—are you ready?—"Nothing good came out of the eighties."
Sputter! Gasp! Whaaaaaaaat?
Was it possible he had never heard of leg warmers? Madonna? Thriller? MTV? Fricken' Boy George? The 80s were, like, one of the best decades ever. What about The Breakfast Club? Tie-dye jeans? Socks rolled over your pants?
How could he say that about my beloved 80s? Especially since the residents of Mulletville religiously pay homage to the decade with their big hair and stonewashed jeans! He's surrounded by tributes to the 80s every day for fuck's sake.
"It's a good movie," I said. "Some old guy tries to steal from Billy Jean because she's hot so she runs away with her friends and becomes famous. You should rent it."
"Here, I'll show you who I mean." I made him Google the movie. Then we Googled Keith Gordon. Then we experienced an awkward silence as several unflattering pictures of Keith Gordon came up. Like...
"I think I was thinking of someone else," I lied. "You really don't look like him at all."
"He wasn't when he was in Billy Jean. And he was cool in Christine."
See, until he asked that I felt kind of bad. But I decided that after he's taken an 80s refresher course and can tell his Thompson Twins from his John Cusack I'll pick a more attractive doppleganger for him.
Until then, I'm sticking with Arnie.
Did I miss anything else from the 80s?