Sunday, October 26, 2008

Can we all put down our rubber mallots? Please?

It's October 26. We are still pumpkin-less.

In Mulletville, people not only have pumpkins, they have Martha Stewarted the shit out of them. What happened to crooked eyes and a lopsided mouth being good enough? Now your front step has to be adorned with pumpkins whose facial carvings are whisper thin and catch the cascading fragrance of scented autumn candles. And if passerbys don’t stop and ooh and aahh over your magical use of a specialty knife you might as well go hang your head in shame.

Did I miss the pumpkin party at Martha’s? The one where she convinced everyone and their mother to transform their poor, sweet pumpkins into garish woodland creatures?

I don’t mean to judge, I really don’t. If it brings you joy to Jianzhi your pumpkin then by all means, go ballistic. All I’m saying is, can’t we lower the bar a bit? Can’t we cut up our pumpkins with a good ole steak knife instead of having to bust out the drill with 5/8-inch bit or large hole cutter, string lights, rubber bands, electrical tape, rubber mallet, and wood gouge or linoleum cutter?

When I sat down to write this I actually felt like a lousy parent for not having a pumpkin yet for Junior. But see, he fell asleep today on our drive to the pumpkin patch and we ended up taking a long trip that brought us here:

And instead of measuring symmetrical petals on my pumpkin so it would look like a cabbage rose, I got to do this:

And while Flipper took Junior for a ride, Chuck and I made out like people who have just gotten engaged. Ok, that's not us. It's a random couple who couldn't keep their hands off each other:

In anticipation of the upcoming holidays—which are already being crammed down our throats—I think we should all give ourselves a nice, fat break. Don't you agree?

(If you don't agree with me, to celebrate the commercial success of her freakish need to prettify everything, Miss Stewart is holding a pumpkin carving contest. The prize? Five bat window clings made in China. Go get 'em tiger.)


Mary Anna said...

Woo Hoo! The first! I'm never the first!

I will admit that I have pumpkin spice candles throughout the house, pumpkin decor smattered about and even a few ghosts and goblins here and there. Hell, I even have bat hand towels in my powder bath.

But, when it comes to pumpkin carving, I agree with you - break out the steak knife and hack the hell out of the thing until it resembles a smiling something! (I can't even put our pumpkins outside - the deer will eat them! They ate my gorgeous fall mums last week. So sad!)

Jenera said...

"...they have Martha Stewarted the shit out of them."

I do believe this is the best line I have read in a LONG LONG LONG time.

We don't have a pumpkin either and probably won't get one.

harrietv said...

Ah, well, you never saw the post entitled "Heloise, Yes. Martha, No."

If I were decorating, if I actually decided I wanted decorated pumpkins, I would use a black marker on them. About a hundred years ago we had better ways of making a like than sticking a candle in a pumpkin.

Poor Martha can do what she wants. Doesn't sound as if she has a life.

Sandy said...

Bleeping hilarious.

Sure, sure, I own my own drill, but I would never dream of using it on a pumpkin.

That would be madness . . .

Frogs in my formula said...

I do feel for Martha b/c she does seem to have such BUSY hands but then I think about her sprawling mansion and how she could easily adopt us and fix all our money woes...

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Haha, this post is funny for so many reasons. I totally agree with the crazy craft contest that Halloween has become, and it makes me feel inadequate. We have carved a pumpkin, but it is already rotten and still sitting on our front porch.

Also, I love that you went to the beach and made out with your husband. Rock on.

Keely said...

I love Hallowe'en, and I like crafts, but never the twain shall meet. C'mon! Hallowe'en is supposed to be SCARY.

I'd rather go to the beach, too.

On The Verge said...

We just carved ours tonight with the girls. We did it the old fashioned way. I wouldn't have it any other way. Martha doesn't live here! :)

Renée aka Mekhismom said...

I love that you took a ride out to the beach. It looks lovely. I have seen some of those pumpkin masterpieces. And although some may call me a bad parent, when my son is old enough to appreciate pumpkins I will be pulling out the kitchen knife. Just like my mom did.

Happy homemakers beware. This momma is still doing it old school style.

We all have our vices. Mine are just...bulkier

I've been away from this blog for awhile. I know . But see, we are trying to move. Just thinking about moving is hard, but actually tr...