ABOUT ME

About me: My husband Chuck, our six-year-old Junior, our three-year-old Everette and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.

Monday, June 1, 2009

How you know you’re spending too much time at work (and that you’re a grumpy bastard)

1. No matter where you pee, you brace for the spray of the automatically flushing toilet. When it doesn’t come and you realize you must flush manually, you actually have a momentary lapse on how.

2. You have problems reclining on the couch because your body is used to sitting at a 90-degree angle.

3. You change channels on your TV remote then try to hit the “save” button.

4. You wear a skirt, blouse and heels…for a dump run.

5. When your coworker walks by and catches you bouncing in your chair while doing butt crunches, she gives you a look and you keep right on scrunchin’. You might even find yourself thinking, “Hah! My butt could kick your butt’s butt.” If you do find yourself thinking that, you hope you didn’t say it aloud.

6. You answer your home phone, “Hi, this is Mrs. Mullet. How can I help you?”

7. You can’t drive by billboards without playing “name that font” and guessing whether or not the graphic is a stock photo. Even if you’re right, your husband really doesn’t care if it’s GillSans or Futura Condensed. He’d rather you played the game “When are we going to get busy.”

8. When you email the grocery list to your husband, you write, “Please reply so I know you’ve received this communication.”

9. You hear Raffi’s song “Mama’s takin’ us to the zoo tomorrow” and change the words to “Mama’s not takin’ us to the zoo tomorrow 'cause she works all day” and you laugh manically and sing “all daaay-hay hay…she works all daaay-hay hay” and think about making your own damn kids’ album that’s a more accurate portrayal of the lives of working mothers. Fricken Raffi bastard.

10. Space aliens leave signs on your lawn that read, “We’ve been trying to make contact for three months. Where the fuck have you been?”

And now, on a cheerier note, Junior reached into his Indiana Jones hat and pulled out the name of the sandbox winner (I would have taken an evidentiary picture but after the chopalicious-meets-fat-cat montage I needed a break).

Dun dun dun…the winner is...Anonymous.

Yep. Anonymous. Whoever you are, I hope you enjoy your new toy in the privacy of your undisclosed town in your mysterious backyard with your unnamed children.

(If I could post this anonymously, I'd say that I secretly hoped the winner would have been a fellow blogger. But I, um, can't say that.)

30 comments:

Kate said...

You know that you have been a stay at home mom too long when you don't close the bathroom door no matter where you are.

Suzi said...

I do that...the bathroom thing. Or how about not caring if nephew and niece see you in all your glory (they're only 2 & 4), but still.

Angela said...

I don't work but I'm still not a fan of Raffi!

The Mother said...

As a corollary, you know you're spending too much time chauffering your kids when you try to fasten your seat belts on the living room sofa.

Frogs in my formula said...

Really? The sofa??

Harmony said...

Congratulations, Anonymous!

Great list....I've been on both sides of the fence. Thanks for the memories :)

blognut said...

I totally do the butt flexing exercise at work! Why not!

Keely said...

I've totally done the phone thing.

So, um...how does one ship a sandbox to an undisclosed address?

Frogs in my formula said...

I guess I just put a stamp on it and hope for the best.

Lori said...

Congrats to anonymous.

You know you've spent too much time at home with the kids when
1. You think to yourself, "I have to go pee in the potty" even when they're asleep.
2. You get excited when you see the garbage truck.
3. You hide in the bathroom with a candy bar to avoid the "can I have some?/why do you get some" debate.

mo.stoneskin said...

Very funny. Especially #9. Maybe you should publish an audio for us all to enjoy.

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

Great.anonymous...now you can slip me the playbox under the table and no one will know!! heheheh!!

Belle said...

You are a genius.

Lindy said...

I totally text message my husband the grocery list and end it...luvu, let me know you got this and understand this!

Sara said...

What's a dump run?

I definitely do the phone thing, too.

Brandy said...

so did anonymous really win or you just want to take your sandbox to work with you?

Michelle said...

This is all to familiar. Great post. Thanks for the chuckle.

Pricilla said...

Congratulations to Anonymous. Can I be anonymous since anonymous is so anonymous?

I only have to worry about my hoppin' kid so and being a goat I don't do toilets....

Mrsbear said...

I used to answer the phone with my company name, back when I had a paying job. Now I'm so desperate for adult conversation, even the telemarketers have started avoiding me.

Congrats to anonymous, hope her unnamed children have oodles of fun rubbing sand in each others hair.

Anonymous said...

I can be Anonymous. I have the skillz.

GreenJello said...

Gee, who is the masked person behind the Anonymous above? I wonder.... ;)

Otter Thomas said...

Good list. I have had the phone problem answering problem before. That is pretty embarassing.

lizspin said...

yeah, I'd like to get rid of Baby Belula too, while we're at it. . .

mannequin said...

What sandbox? Did I miss a giveaway?

And who is anonymous if not each of us at one time?

Does that mean we all get sandboxes? I'll blog about it on my blog and send everyone over. Will I get an extra entry for that?

mannequin said...

What sandbox? Did I miss a giveaway?

And who is anonymous if not each of us at one time?

Does that mean we all get sandboxes? I'll blog about it on my blog and send everyone over. Will I get an extra entry for that?

mannequin said...

What sandbox? Did I miss a giveaway?

And who is anonymous if not each of us at one time?

Does that mean we all get sandboxes? I'll blog about it on my blog and send everyone over. Will I get an extra entry for that?

Eternal Lizdom said...

I've sooooo done the answering the phone in my work voice thing. Ha!

And can I say... I actually adore Raffi. It's totally weird, I know. But I do. I'd love to meet him.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

haha, you poor thing. I am dealing with having been a work at home mom too long and the fact that I bcarely ever shower or change out of sweatpants. I am not sure which is worse.

Dto3 said...

Point #7 - I'm with Chuck all the way! None of that other stuff even mattered after I read that. . .

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Oh how I remember those days! It took me quite a while to shift out of that mode when I became a SAHM - now I find myself forgetting how to talk on the phone...so I avoid it at all costs. ;)