Thursday, June 18, 2009

If my grandmother read my blog she'd probably disown me

So my third wedding anniversary—the year of leather gifts—is over.

All I have to say is, I never knew leather could be so wonderful. Chuck bought me a leather bikini, which he hid in a leather suitcase. I gave him a leather recliner and rubbed his feet through his leather slippers. We wore leather jumpsuits to dinner. After dinner, we raised our glasses of champagne to the smell of dead cow. After that I whipped Chuck with a leather belt then rubbed leather moisturizer on his berry red ass.

Yes, oh God, yes, it was so leathery good.

Actually, as much as I abhor animal cruelty, I can’t be a total hypocrite and ridicule all things leather. I do own leather shoes and purses. But after reading this, I’ve decided to change my ways. No more leather goods.

From now on, I will only buy products made of granny vaginas.

Think about it: there sure are a lot of them.

Ok, ok, I know, that was gross. But what do you expect? I’m tired. So damn tired. Chuck and I didn’t actually make it out the door last night until 8:30 because my father was two hours late to baby-sit Junior. And the service at the restaurant was soooooo slow...

Soooooooo sloooooooooow...

...perhaps because everyone was busy trying to console the man sitting at the table next to us. He had just lost his wife or friend or someone. People kept stopping by to offer their condolences, to which he’d snap, “How do you think I’m doing?”

At one point I wanted to yell, “How do you think I’m doing? We ordered an hour ago and I haven’t seen a damn bread crumb!”

I did, however, see many vodka and cranberries. Which is why when we left the restaurant and ran into a man walking one of these



my drunken canine exuberance got the better of me. I leaned down to bearhug the dog and fell onto him. Not like splat; more like oof, I’m wobbly, I didn't mean to ride your dog. I couldn’t help it! He was so fluffy and smushy I wanted to steal him!

The owner took it well. He looked at me like I was a piece of shit and said, “Come, Fred-ear-eek.”

Who names their dog Fred-ear-eek?

Poor Chuck. The whole ride home that’s all I kept asking:

Who names their dog Fred-ear-eek?

Who names their dog Fred-ear-eek?

Who names their dog Fred-ear-eek?

Then I fell asleep. There may have been the tinniest, most miniscule hint of drool.

May have.

And that is Le Evening du Dead Boeuf.

(Is it just me, or is the leather anniversary version more exciting? Or did you, um, stop reading after the whole granny vagina thing?)

28 comments:

Vodka Mom said...

i thought i smelled vodka.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

ROTFLMAO!!!! You are way too funny for words...really. :) And who would name their dog 'Fred-ear-eek'? Poor dog...

Happy Anniversary! :)

Keely said...

I'm sure the dog was more embarrassed than you were. He was probably thinking, "GAWD, I asked you to just call me FRED!".

Kate said...

I am quite sure that Chuck enjoyed pouring his wife into bed on his anniversary.

Yeah, Fred-ear-eek? WTF? Bad human, BAD!

And now to address granny vaginas. Um, yeah, hmm, well...there you go.

Leanne said...

What the heck were you drinking? Or did you say that and I missed it? Wait, I have to click and read this again.

Oh right vodka. That explains it. But ya know? Even sober it's a stupid name for a dog.

Just sayin'. :)

FoN said...

LMOA - that was funny. And Fred-ear-eek is a really stupid name for a dog.

Nanc Twop said...

Hm....

Seems to me I've heard it said that an average man's P is an inch shorter than the average woman's V - must be a lot of surplus V out there you could snip...

'Ouch'


p.s.
Even tho its my idea...
Don't call me for the harvest fest.
`

Mrsbear said...

Well, since we're eschewing leather, I propose we re-title the third anniversary - the year of drunken dog riding. Fred-ear-eek would be proud, I think.

Happy anniversary.

A Granny vagina couch? I think I'll pass.

tippytoe foxtrot said...

Riding someone's dog while being drunk counts as getting some on your anniversary, right?

Joanie M said...

Happy Anniversary! And thank you for the great laughs!!!

Harmony said...

I'm totally laughing out loud. And Fred-ear-eek is a dumb name for a dog.

Shana said...

HA!!!

Lindy said...

At least the dog got a little action on your anniversary... ;)

Brandy said...

omg - l'm still laughing about falling on the dog.

Ms. Salti said...

I'm sitting in a cafe trying not to burst out laughing!!! I hope the dog's ok... how about your pride? And seriously, Fred-ear-eek? What the hell man!

Pricilla said...

Hey, one of the Farm cats is Fred, short for Frederick 'cause he was found in a campground in Fredricksburg, VA.

There might be a similar story behind the dog's name.

Ya never know.

Although if you smooshed into Fred the cat you would have killed him. He's small

Stacie's Madness said...

omg, seriously, leather whips AND granny vaginas....

wait that doesn't sound right.


happy leathery anniversary!

Joan said...

Freaking funny!!

Jeanne said...

I don't know who would name his dog "Fred-ear-eek," but it's a given that such a person would be a total prick about a lovely and slightly tipsy woman giving such a dog a particularly warm and generous hug.

Julia said...

Wow. Now who unlocked the liquor cabinet that night??? I think you should maybe hide the key. Yes?

Julia said...

So I jumped over to the anti leather campaign and thought about it for a second.

Beef. It's what's for dinner.

Well not really.

It just sounds cool to say it.

I am thinking chicken sounds good. Especially our rooster who spurred me yesterday and drew blood. Too bad I can't use his skin for something useful...

Anonymous said...

That picture looks a little like my black shaggy dog!
If my Grandma read your blog she might just make a comment on her own relations with Grandpa.

Marinka said...

I'm going to name every animal from here on in Fred Ear Eek.
happy leathery anniversary! You're practically newlyweds!

Dto3 said...

The 3 sure spousal relations dates are Wedding Anniversary, First Day of School, and Super Bowl Sunday. Poor Chuck lost out to a stranger's canine companion? You owe him on Bastille Day (#4!).

Sapphire said...

ROFL @ Vodka mom!!!
Who names their dog Fred-ear-eek? Mulletvillians, that's who!!!

Suzi said...

Yeah, the leather thing sounds much better than the horrible service and inconsolable man. Happy 3!

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

You rode Fred-ear-eek? That must be a first...for Fred-ear-eek at least. Here's hoping your wobbliness is gone for now.

Elle said...

OMG! I lost it at Fred-ear-eek! It's a good thing Fred-ear-eek wasn't a chihuahua! Sounds like you had a blogworthy anniversary!

How I finally caught the babysitter stealing

A few weeks ago in Mulletville Lite, I told you how I had begun to question the integrity of our babysitter, Kim. I believed she was ste...