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About me: I'm a 40-something mother to a pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our tween Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler Cam, and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). I'm a freelance graphic designer and writer.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Who needs the ^%^&(#^&#%ing gym?

If you are a mom who lives in New York City (or a dad or someone else) and you drag children from one place to the next on public transportation, give yourself a nice big pat on the back.*

After a weekend in NYC, I am exhausted.


When my friend suggested we trek from the upper, upper West Side to Central Park on Saturday, I had no idea that most subway stops do not have elevators.

I repeat: do not have elevators.

You must carry your 30-pound child in his or her stroller (or carry the child and the stroller) up and down stairs. Sometimes there are multiple flights. This seems somewhat barbaric to me—especially if your diaper bag and picnic lunch accoutrements are cutting off the circulation in your neck. Not to mention: what if you're a mom who only has one arm? Or one leg? (I work with a woman who only has one arm and all weekend I thought of her. All weekend.)

Once you finally get to the subway platform (and you'd better pray it's the right one), you must either roll your child in the stroller into a cranky herd of already smushed train people, or you must carry your child and the stroller into the crowd. (Actually, you're supposed to do the latter; the one time I did it, the stroller opened up as I was stepping into the train and I had to yell, "Help!" because the doors were starting to shut, and as much as I'd appreciate a free body trim, I kind of like my lower half.)

I had a lovely time in the Big Apple, I really did. But why are there not more pro wrestling tournaments featuring New York City moms? You guys must be rippling goddesses (or top-heavy freaks). After a day of lugging Junior (plus all the miscellaneous kid junk) up and down stairs and into and out of heaving, bulging, sweaty crowds I felt like:

a) I should be at the tippety-toppiest level of Frogger

b) I could kick anyone's ass with my newfound arms of steel**


I'm going to bed now. I'm sure you understand.

* With your fucking ginormous guns.

** I typed this in about 0.2 seconds because my forearms are now the size of whale fins.

***I feel like I'm ripping off Jen Lancaster with all these stupid asterisks.


Julia said...

I have one word for you, ok really two. BACK PACK. I have one I am always using for my 34 pounder who does not want to walk around our property any more. The backpack is actually very comfortable but you just have to be sure not to swing in a crowded subway or you will knock down five people. But that could be fun too. Human domino's...

robin said...

Yeah.. I am in NYC and I've seen a TON of women struggling with strollers in the subway. I once offered to help one in particulat who was having a extra difficult time lugging hers down the stairs. And guess what? She FREAKED the EFF out on me! As in, don't come near me or my child you crazay beeyotch. That's right. She wanted no part of it. Which I gotta say, shocked the beejeezus out of me. I mean, really? I am dressed in my office best, heels, briefcase and all. Do I look like that much of a monster? (I am pretty sure I don't.)
So after that, I stayed away from moms with kids and multiple accessories in the subway. Which really, is kinda too bad.
(Only in New York, kids.)

Keely said...

Yeah, next time, eff the stroller, pack the Ergo. You can pretend you're a hippie crunchy mama from, well, not NYC.

Make sure your 'backpack' is all the way in the subway when the doors close though.

Suzi said...

Sounds like you got yourself a work out. If I had to do that on a daily basis I wouldn't need the gym either.

mo.stoneskin said...

I've read that the fall of Rome has largely been blamed on the barbaric lack of elevators.

Lindy said...

Wow and I couldn't wait until the infant car seat changed to front facing so I wouldn't have to lug that thing around.

I'd never survive.

And shit - has Jen Lancaster copyrighted the asterisk and the little numbers?!

♥georgie♥ said...

Oh my sorry but this post had me LMAO...least you got ginormous arms now tho'

Anonymous said...

I spent a few days in England in my high school yrs.(No my parents and I are not rich we saved money for it so don't assume we are rich) I hate subways too with the crowds.
It made me want to start screaming my head off on the stairs.

23 Year Old Thoughts
A work in Progress

Pricilla said...

I am glad you had a good time combining a vacation and workout all at the same time.

GreenJello said...

I am sensing a new weight-loss program in the works for those who live in and around the New York metro area...

The Mother said...

Few of those iron he-men appreciate the incredible potential of a mom with toddlers.

We ought to put together one of those 90 day workout programs--the toddler quad lift, the overhead spit up press...

Think it would be a hit?

Mad Woman said...

Backpack m'dear....backpack. Say it like the Map on Dora and you'll find yourself either smiling or needing a drink. Either way, it's a nice alternative to the stroller thing.

Mind you, you might have then found the wee one picking interesting and indescribable things out of the nooks and crannies on the subway before shoving them into the mouth.


Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

You poor thing! Have something cold and alcoholic to ease the pain!

P.S. I am glad you had a good time in NY though!

Anne said...

NYC moms do things economy style. Not necessarily financially, but weight wise. You only take what you absolutely need and you buy the lightest accessories available. We are planning a weekend in the Big Apple in a few weeks.

Magpie said...

Back in the day, I used to smile sweetly at strangers who would then graciously help me lug the stroller up or down.