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ABOUT ME

About me: I'm 42 and added another gherkin to our pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our 9-year-old Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Hey Rick, why don't you go dunk your donut somewhere else?

Sometimes when you go to a coffee shop to buy coffee you’d like to just, you know, buy coffee. Especially if you’re running late for an 8:15 a.m. gynecologist’s appointment and you hate the gynecologist and you just want some godamned coffee.

Sadly, it was not meant to be, because Dunkin Donuts' version of Ryan Seacrest was manning the counter yesterday alongside a pimply girl.



He flashed me his yellowed teeth and I thought:

Please don’t wait on me I hate Pap smears please don’t wait on me I hate Pap smears please don’t wait on me I hate Pap smears please don’t wait on me I hate Pap smears please don’t wait on me—

—And then, there he was. “Can I…help you?” Jazz hands.

“Coffee. Cream. Medium.”

“Anything else?”

“No.”

“No sugar on this sweet morning?”

“NO!”

“That’ll be $2.19. But for you, I gave you a special price.”

“Yah?”

“No. I’m kidding. But for a minute you felt special, right? Did you feel special?”

Please leave me alone now I hate you and Pap smears please leave me alone now I hate you and Pap smears please leave me alone now I hate you and Pap smears please leave me alone I hate you and Pap smears

“Sure.”

He handed me my coffee then looked me square in the eye. “Hey, can you do me a favor on your way out?”

“Uh?”

“Can you have a great day?”

What I wanted to say was: “Can you bite me? It’s eight o’clock in the morning and I’m about to have a metal clamp shoved up my hooch.”

What I said was: "No."

Hey, at least I took a stand.

39 comments:

♥georgie♥ said...

LMAO! I too hate Pap smears and perky boys at 8:15 in the morning

Crazy K said...

LOL.

I would have shoved something in his hooch. But that is just me.

Brandy said...

lol. i'm so sorry but your crappy day just made my day. lol.

Eternal Lizdom said...

I totally think you should have used that other line on him... the shock value alone would have been worth it.

C.B. Jones said...

Mark my words: Jazz Hands will end up replacing the handshake-hug combo as the popular form of greeting someone.

Denise said...

I hate all coffee shop people. They should be allowed to drink while on the job... especially when most of their customers are still half-asleep grouches in desperate need of a caffeine IV line! They all make me want to punch them in the throats!

Denise said...

Correction: Should NOT be able to drink...

LOL in my haste I forgot an important word.

Shana said...

Hahaha!

Coco said...

Hey you are pretty damn funny yourself. Thanks for stopping by. I will have to come back and visit you again. I can always use a good laugh.

I think I would have been tempted to smash his face with something.

sarahthings said...

That punk deserved to hear all about how you were about to have a metal clamp shoved up your hooch, in excruciating detail. I say you go back tomorrow and draw him a diagram. Peppy people always like diagrams, right?

Sheila said...

Peppy people really ticke me off sometimes!! UGH!!!
But LOVE the post! :)

Joanie M said...

I think someone at Dunkin Donuts needs to lay off the caffeine and sugar.

Stacie's Madness said...

ROFLMAO! You are so funny.

kyooty said...

who is this?

Magpie said...

I'm so glad you said "no" at the end, because he needed to be taken down.

Lindy said...

I can not believe you just posted "jazz hands" and "pap smear" all in one post.

Think about the people that Google is going to be sending to you.

Baby News said...

LOL! I know it's impossible to imagine any woman who doesn't hate Pap Smears...I'm not one. I hate 'em. The pap alone can ruin your day...add coffee guy and you're done! Very funny story!

The Mother said...

I detest chatty clerks. Won't talk to them. They can think I'm a stuck up bitch if they want, but my life is NONE of their business.

Suzi said...

Jazz hands? Seriously? What a freaking nut job.

Jeanne said...

Had a mammogram yesterday, so I'm right there with you (with my two-dimensional boobs).

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

"Sure I will! Can you do ME a favor and have your teeth ripped out coz I'd rather see you toothless than with your yellow gnashers"!!

Pricilla said...

Heh heh. Should have offered him your appointment....

Aludra said...

You should have said it!

Kate said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I really needed that laugh today.

Pap smears suck, but at least you only have to deal with them once a year, unlike in-laws.

Mrsbear said...

So you did feel special, right?

I think I'm due for a dreaded Pap smear, but that's probably more than you needed to know.

How to Party with an Infant said...

that picture's so creepy! Love your dialogue, as usual.

dddiva said...

Eww Eww Eww I think all women hate him right along with you. Sorry your day started off so crappy hope it got better.

Keely said...

What a tool. I hate servers and retailers and...well, pretty much anybody that pretends like they know me. Unless they know me.

Sometimes I hate them, too.

lizspin said...

I think I hate him too!!!

Kayleen said...

I just laughed until I died! Thanks for brightening my day with your coffee and pap smear.

Maggie Madison said...

Can you imagine if he was your gyno doctor? Jazz hands to shove the metal duck bill and yellow teeth to ask if you now feel special??!! LOL

FoN said...

Holy shit that was funny. I love you. And hate pap smears.

blognut said...

Why can't the coffee people learn to recognize that people are there BEFORE they've had their coffee and they should just leave us alone?

Dto3 said...

Nothing more annoying than perky people before my morning cup of Joe. Pap smears have never had much effect on me though. . .

laughingatchaos said...

He's a lucky man that he wasn't wearing your coffee.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I'm with laughingatchaos...he'd have totally been wearing my coffee.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

That was too freakin funny. I wish I had that guys working at my Dunkin' Donuts, all I have is bitchy teenage girls who wear too much makeup and mumble back my order so I have no idea whether they got it or not.

Leanne said...

I like it. I like it alot.

They just gotta learn to save this crap until AFTER people get their coffee.

Lori said...

I don't understand. What was wrong with the two of you taking hands and skipping off to get matching pap smears?

Oh, was it the hot coffee? Not very skip condusive, huh?