Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Dear John, I absolutely hate your stupid effin slippers

I think I want to break up with the nanny. Little things are starting to bother me, like the fact that as soon as she walks through the door she takes off her shoes and puts on fluffy slippers, ala Mr. Rogers. Then she puts even fluffier slippers on her son (I’m not exaggerating: His feet look like they’ve been engulfed by navy Sheepdogs).

All of this slipper wearing makes Junior’s socked feet look very naked and small. Which makes me feel neglectful and guilty.

To compensate, I’ve started layering Junior on top. Sweatshirts, afghans, Snuggies—whatever’s handy. So when she glances at Junior’s barren feet, that little voice in my head (not Winona, not Dudley Moore, this is more like Janice Dickinson) relaxes.

“Yah, bitch, my kid’s roasting from his neck to his waist! Suck it!”

Oh, hold on, Dr. Phil wants to interject.

“Mrs. Mullet, could your resentment towards your nanny’s slippers also be caused by the fact that another woman is getting cozy in your home? Don’t you, perhaps, envy her domesticity?”

Hmmm. Could it be about more than slippers? Could it be that she gets to play with Junior during the day while I dress up as a reindeer?

But wait! It’s not just that. Otherwise, why would her freakish preoccupation with our cats make me want to spit? Like, after we did this to the really fat one





she kept pestering me: “Isn’t he cold? He doesn’t look very happy.” I wanted to knock her lights out.

(Personally, I think he looks ecstatic.)

It didn’t stop there. She even said something to me about the kitty’s anxiety in the can. Hello, I know why the cat is having difficulty relieving himself: There’s a woman with fluffy hair and feet staring at him! Haven’t you ever heard of the website www.cantpoopbecauseweirdpeoplearewatching.com? (Not to be confused with www.cantpoopbecausenormalpeoplearewatching.com.)

I will gladly listen to observations about Junior’s stools; I will not, however, have someone feeding me commentary about my cat’s bathroom habits. For the love of all that’s holy!

So yah, I guess this is the crux of it: She’s over-mothering my household. Apparently my home—which is cold, slipperless and poopless—needs some fixin' by Mary Poppins-meets-Dr.-Doolittle.

Oh, great, Paris Hilton wants to say something: “Mrs. Mullet, your butt is, like, way hotter.”

Gosh. Do you really think so? Cause I have never, ever, ever thought about the fact that my perky buns outshine her dumpy U-butt. Not once.

14 comments:

Marinka said...

Ok, is she Eastern European? Because those people are freaks about slippers.

Oh, and I don't want to alarm you, but speaking of freaks, what's going on with your cat?

Keely said...

You're channelling Dr. Phil and Paris Hilton now? That's even creepier than Carrie Bradshaw.

Your cat doesn't look ecstatic, he looks embarrassed. ( But probably not cold.)

Dto3 said...

I think the cat has fur envy for the slippers!

Jennifer said...

OK, well, you can't keep your home a balmy 61 degrees, you have to expect she'll do something to keep warm! Do you let her wear shoes in the house? Cause I would assert some authorit-i and tell her that you would like her to wear shoes in the house from now on. I think you're right, she's getting a little too comfy and is trying to mother YOU!

Casey said...

That poor cold cat! That would bug me too but does she take good care of the kid? I just canned my sitter today since she's incapable of keeping two children from not simultaneously screaming ALL DAY LONG and I wouldn't even leave the house unless one of them was napping.

Nicole said...

Maybe you could pick up some Freudian slippers--you know, for a foot therapy session... :)

No really, I can relate a bit. Since Scott's mom has been here, my role as mother has taken second seat. It's like I have to ask her if it's okay to wipe Katie's bum... She thoroughly lives up to her matriarchal position!

But then again, she's going home in a week.

Frogs in my formula said...

Folks, the cat is fine. He's just 20 pounds lighter!

Goldtone Designs said...

Happy Holiday's from Goldie!♥

Renée aka Mekhismom said...

Oh yes, your butt is why hotter! Don't worry about Mary Poppins.

signe said...

lol...love the cat pic!

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

"Haven’t you ever heard of the website www.cantpoopbecauseweirdpeoplearewatching.com? (Not to be confused with www.cantpoopbecausenormalpeoplearewatching.com.)"

Hilarious!!

I know I can't poop when weird people are watching...

ModernMommy said...

I think you may be on to something that her over-mothering is really what is bothering you. You are the only mother of your household! I get the same way when my sisters "over-mother" my daughter as if I'm not doing a good enough job!
Eck!

Whiney Momma said...

gosh, I could just read your blog all day. BTW, your cat is d-bomb. That puffy tail could double as a duster.

your nanny sounds a little weird. Still, the whole idea that she changes her shoes like Mr. Rodgers cracks me up. I guess I am a bit jealous.

Heather said...

Maybe she is looking at your cat thinking - great lining for my slippers!

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