Monday, December 22, 2008

I can make the runner stumble

Well fricken well.

Not only did I announce to the blogosphere that my friend Jen has a bun in her Easy Bake Oven, I also announced it to mutual friends who read my blog unbeknownst to me (you sneaks!).

What’s worse is that one of those friends happened to mention to Jen that her wonderful, faithful, darling friend moi has been featuring her for the last week.

Thankfully Jen was very understanding this morning—perhaps because I complimented her good looks so profusely. Heh, heh. But I do feel I owe her an apology. To make amends, I’d like to tell you why Jen rocks my world (am I a butt kisser? Maybe).

When Jen and I shared an apartment many years ago, we were very poor (this is the year she ate microwave popcorn for dinner), so we took a job catering a Christmas party in Greenwich for some extra money. The party was held at the home of a former Talbots catalog model and her very handsome, cowl-neck-sweater-wearing husband.

While Jen drove to the party, I drank the Mr. Boston Blackberry Brandy we’d picked up at the package store. When we got to the party (sprawling mansion doesn’t even begin to describe it), Jen slipped on the ice as she was pulling up her thigh highs (don’t ask) and fell into the wooden clothes drying rack she had in her trunk—eye first.

So there we were, me reeking of cheap booze and Jen holding one hand to her slouchy thigh highs and the other over her eye, which was bright red thanks to all the broken blood vessels. In a word: smokin!

I don’t know about you, but when I start to drink I like to keep going (especially if I am offering cheese puffs to very wealthy people), so we hid a bottle of brandy behind the magazines by the toilet (apparently rich people read in the can, too). In between ogling women’s Christmas diamonds and prepping brie bakes, we would take turns sneaking to the bathroom.

I don’t know about you, but when I start to drink I get belligerent (especially if I am offering cheese puffs to very wealthy people), so I started taking too many trips to the bathroom (you know, salve to my pauper wounds, blah blah). When the caterer asked Jen if I was all right, Jen sweetly told her I had a “killer period” and needed to frequently change my female products.

This is the best method for shutting people up: Offer them more than they want to know.

But the horrible woman was on to us. Maybe it was my slurred words or the fact that I stopped taking no for an answer when someone didn’t want a coconut shrimp. (Yah, I kind of just stood there awkwardly and swayed. Rich people hate that!) She banished me to the door and put me on coat duty.

Which is when I had the pleasure of taking the coat of Jen’s daytime boss, a man who’d have a hissy fit if he discovered Jen working an extra job because people would call him miserly, and we all know that people in small towns talk.

So Jen and I did what any drunk, cycloptic, faux-menstruating duo would do: We lifted a bottle of tequila and got the hell out of there.

Is it any wonder I love her so? Jen, this is for you.


Keely said...

I really miss being drunk and cycloptic and pretending to menstruate.

Those were the days.

Wait...that was last week.

Well, I still miss it.

Jenni Jiggety said...

I SO need to get a gig like that...

Nicole said...

Tell Jen that we can't help but adore her for all her grace and glory!

faux-menstruating duo (hee hee)

Anne said...

Ahhh the days of drunken stupidity. I think most of us (at least here on the east coast) have a few similar memories (although none of mine involve a drying rack).

I am glad that Jen forgave you for outing her bun. It always freaks me out when I find out people I know read my blog.

By the way, excellent job with the embedded video. I am glad it worked.

Frogs in my formula said...

Oh how I love that song!

How to Party with an Infant said...

don't you feel funny when friends read your blog and you don't know about it?

ModernMommy said...

Great story and GREAT video!

Danielle said...

This story is fantastic!! I love it!!

Stacy's Random Thoughts said...

Isn't it great to have friends like Jen that are a constant source of entertainment? ;)

Hilarious - I'm glad she forgave you for 'outing' her bun...she's a true friend! :)

Merry Christmas!

Carol said...

Ah yes. Good times!

The Air Supply guy is better off without the clingy blonde who's whining about him going on tour.

Eudea-Mamia said...

This is why very few people that I see on a regular basis know I blog. I wouldn't want to face them with some of the stuff that I've written.

Love me some Air Supply. Ah, the glory days of Members Only and mullets. Totally awesome.

Thanks for sharing!

Jennifer said...

Niiiiice. I can only imagine what the REST of your resume looks like!
(Actually, I'm jealous. I'd NEVER be gutsy enough to drink on the job. Yeah, I'm like a freakin Ingalls on Little House on the Prairie!)

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