Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Maybe the Chinese food should mind its own business

I think I might have mentioned that Mulletville is under water because of the rain and that Chuck has been down in the basement for two days battling the flood and a kidney stone?

Some of the sounds coming up from the basement have been downright unsettling—sounds that make me think of large animals that have severed limbs, intestinal parasites and are close to death. Sounds like

Uuuuuughhhhh aaaaaahhhhhhugaaaaaaaghhugh.

And Aggggghugagagahelpmeblaaaaaaahhhhhh.

The Hug-aahhh hug-aaahh was the worst.

In hindsight, it probably wasn’t the best time to shout down into the dark abyss



and ask about when he’d get around to finishing the wainscoting in the downstairs bathroom. But we’re having company this weekend—or rather, we were having company—and I was merely looking for a status update.

It’s not my fault. Facebook and Twitter have made me a status update crackhead.

Chuck freaked. He’s normally a very patient man, but he went ballistic. I guess the sensation of having your testicles in a vice as you lift buckets of slimy basement water will do that.

He raced up the stairs and told me exactly what I could do with my wainscoting—things I wouldn't recommend even seasoned Home Depot workers do with their wainscoting! Cover your ears!

Then he collapsed.

So there Junior and I were, watching Chuck twitch on the floor



when I cracked open the leftover fortune cookies from last Thursday and one said this:



Holy shit again. It's like something out of the Twilight Zone. Is King Wah Wok Palace a portal into the Great Beyond? Someone's obviously trying to tell me something via stale cookies, and it's creeping me out.

If that wasn't bad enough, the other cookie said this:



"Even the greatest of whales is helpless in the middle of a desert."

So now I'm inconsiderate and fat.

Bastards.

24 comments:

Stacie said...

I wish I had something witty to say. Sorry to hear that Chuck has kidney stones AND has to scoop basement water out by the buckets. It sounds painful.

Buggys said...

Well if he's going to break down at the littlest provocation....

Shana said...

i had to laugh at Buggys comment. LOL.

The Mother said...

Since we only do Chinese when it's been a really, really bad day, I can't say that the fortune cookies have been all that prescient.

Pricilla said...

I am laughing so hard I can hardly type.

I am so very sorry.
I got nothin'

Little Ms Blogger said...

I had chinese tonight and my fortune said "great wealth will be coming into your home" Oh, if that were only true.

Mad Woman said...

Well geez. If he'd just done it last week it wouldn't be an issue. Does he not understand the intricacies of status updates???

Alison said...

Wow those fortune cookies are spot on.. cept for the whale one!

The poor man, I would probably have gone crazy too. Maybe you should um... give him some nice big boots to put on to keep his feet safe. Yuck!

Lindy said...

I don't get what the problem is? You were having company. It needed to be done.

tootertotz said...

Frogmama...you've got it all wrong. Chuck is the whale. Although he is a great whale, his talent goes unnoticed in the Mulletville basement bog. And the photo of him on the floor sealed it...his pose is clearly reminiscent of a beached whale.(Pose not size...don't get me wrong)

Also, wondering if Mulletville may be trying to off itself. Rocks in the pockets and wading into the water type of thing with this flooding...maybe Mulletville thinks suicide is the answer to all of it's problems. On the up side, if it succeeds in killing itself as a city, you will get that move you've been desiring!

Jude said...

So, when Chuck collapsed, did you ask if he was okay before you ran for your camera?

Just sayin...

Sara said...

Did he tell you to do it yourself? Wifey has gotta learn. *tisk tisk* ;) Hope the great flood dries up soon and he gets to feeling better.

Kathy said...

Oh, dear God that was hilarious! Is he OK? I mean, he looks dead. And you gotta hose him down good, what with the basement juice.

SLColman said...

Craziness :( What kind of guests come in the middle of a FLOOD! LOL

婷淑君婷 said...

It's great!!..................................................

Mrs Mecomber said...

The Chi-coms have been hacking Google, installing malware and trojans on our technology, and LOOK! NOW they are insulting American women! How low will they GO?! If nothing else, THIS MEANS WAR.

BTW, I sympathize with your basement woes. Here in Upstate NY, we were slammed the summer of 2004, 2005, 2006, and 2007... 3feet of water in the basement... *sigh*

I'm here from Tribal Blogs. Hi. :D
Rebecca
FreakyFrugalite.com

Grand Pooba said...

Oh my god, you're interpretations of the fortunes kill me!

Jen said...

So how is Chuck? Did you help him up after you went to get your camera, took his picture and ate a little Chinese food?

dogsmom said...

Around here the reaction is stop doing the necessary immediately and pretend to begin the other project that was mentioned - not insisted upon! - but what it really means is grumbling and gathering tools and complaining and using the interruption as an excuse that he can not finish any project.

Mrsbear said...

Are you worried that perhaps the fortune writer has a nanny cam hidden somewhere in your house?

It's just one guy, right? Writing fortunes over a desk somewhere, existing solely on Flaming Hot Cheetos and Mountain Dew.

Hope Chuck's feeling better and that your basement is dry(er).

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

is it bad that when I saw your husband on the floor I lost it....and the fortune. Oh my gosh....so, so funny. I hope that photo of your husband was set up though because if it wasn't he's really going to lose his patience! :-)

jadenotjaded said...

so is company on for next weekend? :)

blognut said...

Even more annoying than the chinese food not minding its own business is the fact that it only gives you the necessary information after the fact.

Otter Thomas said...

Hilarious! That is all.

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