I was doing fine until I realized there was no podium. It was just me, a microphone, a glass of wine, and a projector. Have you ever tried to hold handwritten notes and a microphone and gesture at a slide show while guzzling wine? Mmmyah. After 10 seconds I ditched my notes and ad-libbed.
I don’t remember anything after that. Anything.
Chuck was there. He said I spoke for 21 minutes, which was shocking to learn. What the fuck did I ad-lib about for 21 minutes? If I hadn’t seen the pictures, I’d swear aliens came down and abducted me during my intro.
Oh yes, there were pictures. I made the Mulletville rag. See?
The good news is that I learned something invaluable about public speaking: It’s a transient beast. Worrying about it is stupid. Half the people in the room probably forgot about me midway through my speech—right about the time they realized the linguine was giving them gas or they’d forgotten to feed their dog. I bet if you went to their homes right now, knocked on their doors and said, “Can you tell me a little about Mrs. Mullet’s presentation?” they’d say “Who the hell is that?”
I don’t often reference Dr. Phil because he’s turned into a self-promoting, crass, sensationalistic manbot, but I once read something his dad said, and it’s really stuck with me:
"You wouldn't worry about what people thought of you if you knew how infrequently they did."
Bingo! Essentially, I was addressing an empty room.
And more good news: According to the February issue of Psychology Today, the fact that my pimple was on the left side of my face was my saving grace. I quote, Don’t worry about that zit on the left side of your face; the right side is the one people notice most. Why? “Primates innately look first at the top left of their visual field. Once identity is established, why keep going?”
Mammoth-sized zits and social anxiety. Why keep going, indeed? Tomorrow’s post: How to make hand puppets out of your leftover lasagna and pantyhose.
You're welcome.
20 comments:
Is that YOUR left, though, or mine?
Glad you made it through with only a blurry memory to torment you!
You remind me of something someone once said...
“According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” - Jerry Seinfeld
Thanks for sharing. I loved the bit about people thinking about the linguine giving them gas or they forgot to feed the dog :)
Shelly at Tropical Mum
I'm glad Chuck was there to hear you. Did he tape it? I hear uTube calling.
pantyhose and lasagna huh? Wow that will be a good one lol.
I'm glad it went well.
I'm sure the wine helped.
I'm glad you didn't whine.
I'm sure glad it's over
You are too funny. And very brave! I am enjoying a glass (ok..my second...) and reading your post just about made me spit out my wine (but I am very protective of my wine, so I stopped myself!)
Seriously, you are a brave woman and I am so jealous and am in awe at the same time. Congrats on giving the speech and having such a wonderful perspective on everything.
Btw, I love what you said about Dr.Phil--dead on!
How could I possibly stay away from a post about lasagna and pantyhose puppets?
I love that you ditched the notecards and not the wine. Hello? Priorities!
Congrats. Glad it's over.
Were you channeling Ron White?
Glad the public speaking is over. Now on to bigger and better crowds.
I had an interview yesterday and spilled a drop of sauce on my shirt... and I was two hours away from home... I cleaned it off, but I swore that my interviewers were going to notice this minuscule shadow and point and laugh me out of their office.
I'm sitting in my office at the clinic, dodging the ringing phone because EVERY call today has been someone with some kind of rectal issue.
What was it you were saying?
congrats!! so the secret is wine?
you seem to have very nice teeth!! :))
Wait, I've just realized the resolution to all my public speaking fears.
WINE!!!!
Phew. All that agony for naught.
Also, you have Kate Beckinsdale teeth under the monstro zit. Nice.
I knew you would be fine. You're totally right, people are trying to appear that they are paying attention but, come on, those mental grocery lists will not write themselves!
lmfao.
i love what dr phil's dad said.
glad it's over for ya, now take care of that zit baby!
Congrats on it going so well. I saw an episode of Invader Zim (don't worry you will know what it is in a couple of years) the alien had a zit on his face that had magical hypnotic powers and kept all the kids of the school under his spell. It reminded me of you.
Oh, you won the contest on my blog! Congratulations!
Great tidbits about zit location and how unimportant I am to others. You are truly a fountain of knowledge.
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