Tuesday, December 8, 2009

If you want my body and you think I'm sexy come on, sugar, paint my toe

I never wanted to have my portrait painted. I’m not complaining that someone offered, I’m just saying that it wasn't on my top 10 list of things to do (in case you’re wondering, #1 is go to bed and #10 is hang glide. I’d also like to see the Grand Canyon).

Last night I went to my last sitting for Mr. Painter—with my clothes on, of course (remember how you all helped me decide whether or not I should disrobe? That was so special).

For some reason, the sitting was particularly boring. It dragged on, and somewhere between 5:00 and 5:01 I really started to dislike Painter Man. I gave up hours of my life to sit for him; if I’d known it meant I’d be listening to him wax philosophical about his passion for art, I’d have declined.

Plus, he talks to himself. After having a child I’m more sympathetic to this affliction (what parent doesn’t talk to him or herself?) but I never knew if he was looking for affirmation from me. Like when he’d shout, “Keep it together, Mr. Painter! Oh, you louse! What were you thinking with that shade of blue?” I never knew if I should interject with “I’m sure you’re doing a great job” [freak].

Since this was our last hoorah, I thought I’d amuse Painter Man with my clever observation about how portrait painting is the perfect cover for having an affair (think about it: you can’t answer your phone and you go home in different clothes. What more do you need?) But instead of applauding my ingenuity, he got all serious on me.

“It's one of the gray areas of my profession. Some of my models assume that certain extras are part of the modeling arrangement. I have to very nicely tell them it’s not.”

The room grew very

very

quiet.

I started to wonder if he thought I was coming on to him? Ack! The last thing I'd want to do is sleep with someone who'd shout out “Keep it up, Mr. Painter! Oh, you louse! What were you thinking with that hip thrust?”

And then I started to get silly. Cause really, what would a portrait painting pick-up line sound like?

“Oooooh, is that a paintbrush in your pocket or are you just happy to see my left breast?”

(Oh shut up. I triple dog dare you to come up with something better.)

When he was finally done painting, he invited me to take a look at his masterpiece. I have to admit, he captured my likeness. Fictitious DDD breasts and all. And now I want the painting. Bad. It would look so nice over the bidet.

There’s only one problem: Anyone have an extra $10,000 lying around?

27 comments:

Mrsbear said...

It really does sound like a unique experience that I'd probably rather sleep through. Sleep is high on my list too.

On the plus side, your face on canvas is worth 10K.

Kayleen said...

how very uncomfortable , sounds like something I'd get myself into. Oh while its on my mind, where did your blog title come from?

rachel... said...

Wait a minute. You don't get to keep the painting? Did he pay you to model? Who's going to buy the portrait if not you, and do you get a cut of the 10K? And how do you feel about hanging over somebody else's bidet???

Frogs in my formula said...

I got the blog title from Rod Stewart's "If you think I'm sexy" song.

Rachel, he gave me one of his paintings as compensation. A very small, very unfinished painting.

Stacie's Madness said...

holy shit $10,000??

Mommy, I'm Home said...

You have to take a picture of it so we can all see...

Pricilla said...

It's always nice to be wanted.

Now you'll be wanted twice; by Mr. Painter Guy and whomever buys the painting.

Otter Thomas said...

My wife got a charcoal drawing of herself from an artist friend. It took one day and we got to keep it. It is really good, but the whole thing creeped me out.

Working Mommy said...

Holy Heck!!! $10k for the painting of you?!?! I love myself...I mean, I do, but I don't love myself enough for a $10k painting...no. thank. you!

~WM

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

You have a bidet???

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

Couldn't he just give you a photocopy of the damn painting! lol!

kyooty said...

omg! 10,000!!! I'd rather buy a car

Lindy said...

$10,000?

And you know I had to google bidet and this is what I got

"Bidets are primarily used to wash and clean the genitalia, perineum, inner buttocks, and anus. They may also be used to clean any other part of the body; ..."

So thanks for that.

Brandy said...

you should take a photo of the portrait!

Together We Save said...

I agree with Brandy... you should at least have a picture of it.

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

...and, of course, you would upload it for us to see?!?!

Small Town Mommy said...

The dilemmas of being a stylish model. It seems to me he could be a little more generous with you if he is going to make $10,000. There wouldn't be a painting without you either.

The Mother said...

I understand that the hours of boredom required to sit for a painting are the main reason that photography was invented.

Keely said...

I don't have a long enough attention span to make the connection between the post title and why you would have tagged it 'Rod Stewart', so thanks for explaining that in the comments.

How much for just a painting of your toe?

Karen MEG said...

How much of that $10K is your cut ;)?

Yeah, portraiture is pretty pricey - we had a couple done, one for each kid, and our friend is the artist, who did them for us for a much reduced price.

You've got a great blog, thanks for finding me via SITS!

Mammatalk said...

Could you catch up on some reading while he painted....or some sleep?

Life As I Know It said...

10,000?!? yikes, that better be one hell of a painting.
that's pretty funny he didn't think your having-an-affair- comment was funny. I did ;)

HoodChick said...

I couldn't get past your obviously stated prejudice. Just because I don’t have kids, I can’t talk to myself without being judged??? *Hmmmph*

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Frogs in my formula said...

HoodChick--I love anyone who talks to him/herself!

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blognut said...

You really know you've made it in life when you pose for a $10,000 painting and then get spammed by the Chinese porn people all in the same year.

Whatever will you do in 2010?

SLColman said...

Wow, what a neat experience. Holy carp though $10K!!!

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