Thursday, December 31, 2009

Call RotoRooter! My $80 face is in the drain!

I'm sick. I spent yesterday lying in bed. The entire day. I cannot remember the last time that happened. Maybe the year I was born. Or the year I dated a gymnast. Though that wasn't really lying. More like letting someone practice his front handsprings on my thighs.

Ah, the limber days of youth.

As hard as I tried, I could not get off the QVC channel. The spokespeople are so fricken convincing. They get you in some kind of mind meld. You find yourself standing in front of the TV shouting "yes! yes! It is magic!"

Before I knew it, two hours had passed and I'd ordered $80 worth of make-up. Now I'm nervous. I don't know how to apply make-up other than the rudimentary slapping on of foundation and mascara. I can make up my face, but whenever I go for night time glamor/drama/glitter (you know, once every decade), I look more like an uptight hooker (I have a fatal wardrobe condition known as always-dressed-like-it's-a-workday).

I told Chuck about my purchase and how 2010 will be the year I look more polished and do you know what he said?

"Don't! You'll only look uglier!"

My husband. It's a wonder I ever let that gymnast dismount.

Chuck quickly backpedaled, saying that women who wear make-up 24-7 look extra horrible without make-up because you forget what they look like au natural. He said he likes my natural beauty. Blah, blah, blah. I guess I forgive him.

But I do not forgive the people who created this:

Ignoring the irony that's ravaging my insides (extra ass in our thin-obsessed society? are you kidding me?) I must ask: Am I the only person who doesn't know about this product? I almost fell out of bed laughing when the commercial aired. Between all the padded products on the market (like the Victoria's Secret Miraculous™ push-up bra, which adds two cup sizes), you'd think we were a bunch of flat chested, bony-assed stick figures.

(Obviously we're not. According to the American Demographics journal, the average American woman is 5'4" tall, weighs 145 lbs. with a dress size of 11 to 14, has a 36-37" bust, is about 29" around the waist and close to 40" around the hips.)

I want to know: What happens when you meet a guy and decide to get horizontal? What happens when you remove your undergarments and you have no ass or breasts? I want to be a guy for a night just so I can witness the metamorphosis. Just so I can say, "Is it just me or is all your booty on the rug?"

I guess in a way it's like washing off make-up. Like, "Is it just me or is all your pretty in the drain?"

Wow, man. Daytime television gets you thinking—about incinerating your TV.

Happy New Year! I hope you—and your booty—have a great night.


Brandy said...

ok - i need those booty pop panties. really. I have NO BUTT! i'm a big girl but still have a flat ass. my husband says i have a crack at the bottom of my back. really. I have a hard time not getting saggy bottomed jeans. those panties are for me. thank you.

Working Mommy said...

Mwuahahahaha! As the owner of a shiny wide-load I can honestly say that I don't know why on EARTH someone would want this attached to their being at all times!! It causes more problems than anything else, honestly. I have never seen the commercial, but I thank you for sharing. I may just go into public records and see how product sales are doing...just for shits and giggles, of course!


Shana said...

Oh my gosh that totally reminds me of an episode of Fresh Prince when Will and his girlfriend set locked in a closet or something and she starts taking off a wig, nails and others stuff and he was like IS ANY OF THAT YOU?!?!?! It was funny. Sorry showing my age. Have a great new year. What kind of makeup did you order? Bare Minerals is great!

Keely said...

Most of the women in that commercial also need a fucking sandwich.

Was it Bare Minerals? Because that stuff is awesome and I have no idea why they need to advertise on the shopping channel anymore.

Mrsbear said...

Those strategically placed butt pads are a little disturbing. Although it makes for a good place for a guy to rest his drink.

I don't do make-up much myself, a little eye-liner to take away some of the deer in headlights look around my eyes. I'm a make-up idiot. I'm pretty sure if I had to apply a decent slathering, I'd look like a done up corpse, all powder and rouge. Nobody needs to see that.

Catootes said...

Booty Pop? I'll give up some of my very own Booty Pop if there's a market for it.

I want to really know how that first naked dance, perhaps with a dismounted gymnast, goes when all the fake tits and ass are discarded and some poor dufus suddenly finds out all the advertising was a gimmick.

Sickbed television shopping is bad for you credit card, not to mention your morale. Did you buy a snugglie too? Or my Mark Harmon with my Farberware T4850?

Pricilla said...

This is so funny. I was watching that Victoria's Secret commercial and I asked my hubby - since we got married in the days before these things were created and he knew I had no boobs - how exactly would a guy react if he took out the c-cup and then you get her to bed and there are suddenly no boobs.

He said "fraud" but then he's a retired lawyer....

I definitely do not need more butt.

Sara said...

LOL I have enough ass and got my bewbs where I want them. Life is good. Now this make-up thing, I'd like to see your attempt at the smokey eye. It's a challenge. ;D

SLColman said...

Happy New Year!

You so crack me up!

Lindy said...

The hands and fingernails of the QVC hosts bug me to no end....just thought you should know that.

kyooty said...

I have a hard enough time finding Bras that aren't Padded!!! I don't need to have to start trying to find butts without extra!

Mad Woman said...

HA! You make me giggle like an idiot. Happy New Year!

Jeanne said...

I apply 15 different items to my face every morning. Sometimes I don't know if I'm heading for work or the Witness Protection Program.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I need the booty pop panties, a new face, and breasts that don't fall to my shoulder blades when I lie down for my gymnast. Ahh, aging. Gotta love it.

Happy New Year to you too! I spent the day snotting and horking too. Bodes well for 2010, no?

harper & beatrix said...

some of us actually are flat-chested, bony-assed stick figures, and i'll tell you what happens when you take off your boobs:

you say, "don't look. don't look!" then you put them on their bookshelf/coffee table/dashboard and get on with business with occasional warnings of "don't touch them. don't touch them! you will mess up the self-adhesion." the next time you wear them, the boy will poke at them and decide he is not anti-boob-job after all, if it would make you happy, of course.


Mama Badger said...

There is no end to our lack of self esteem. Was the infomercial after this one for a weight loss product? You either have it and want to get rid of it or don't have it and want to fake it.

I agree with Chuck. Makeup for the regular day day is just too much.

Mama Badger said...

There is no end to our lack of self esteem. Was the infomercial after this one for a weight loss product? You either have it and want to get rid of it or don't have it and want to fake it.

I agree with Chuck. Makeup for the regular day day is just too much.

Frogs in my formula said...

It's not Bare Minerals. That stuff makes my face itch. I bought Laura Geller something or other.

Beatrix, that is a very funny account.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

"Is it just me or is all your booty on the rug? - Bwa-HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
*wipes tears of laughter*

that was a good one.

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

I've never seen the booty pop commercial before. But now, I'm just asking myself,

how long until they get them at Bed Bath and Beyond? That's where I generally get ALL my 'as seen on TV' products.

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