Tuesday, December 29, 2009

In hindsight, coming home smelling like fish would probably suck. Oh, and sorry about all the bags and asses

I have a nasty case of the post-holiday blues. Apparently they’re pretty common, seeing how the world is ending in 2012 (why, John Cusack, why?) and it’s no longer good enough to overhaul just certain aspects of your life, like your snaggly cuticles or inability to stand up to your boss. No, now you must change everything:

Talk about pressure. I like how the Yankee magazine people added “for the better!” Just in case you weren’t sure. Just in case you thought this was an article on how to royally fuck up everything.


The year 2010 is particularly traumatic for me because I am turning 35 on January 4. I had assumed that self-reflection would help smooth my descent into 2010 and close-to-middle-age-dom. You know, a few days of Who am I and how did my ass get so big? But after Googling “dying inside after Christmas” I stumbled upon an article that said not to peer inward.

According to Susan Battley, PsyD, PhD, a leadership psychologist and clinical associate professor at State University of New York at Stony Brook: “If you keep looking back at the old year—especially last year—you will get into a downward spiral.”

(I'm curious what the "old year" might be if it's not "last year." 1982 maybe?)

Battley believes in something she calls Three BAGs Full. A BAG is a Big Audacious Goal. She says that three is the absolute maximum and that one might be more realistic. I like the idea of only having one to three goals, but I absolutely detest the word audacious; why not Big Ass Goal?

Alas, the BAG acronym is her brainchild, not mine.

The perky Battley is nice enough to provide suggestions for people’s BAGs. I was nice enough to provide my responses:

• Learn a second language. No. I don’t feel like it.

• Volunteer. I already do; every night I volunteer that night’s culinary disaster to the garbage can.

• Make more money. Bite me.

• Join a dating service. Ok, but I’ll have to check with Chuck first.

• Change careers.

Aahhhhh, change careers. Now there’s something I can dig my teeth into. Why, just yesterday as Junior and I were watching the sea lion show at Mystic Aquarium, I was thinking that exact thing. I marveled at how active the sea lion trainers were; how their jobs were so hands-on and varied. Then I thought about my own job and how I spend 35 hours a week sitting on my ass.

Why? Why did I choose such a sedentary career? Why, when the high school guidance counselor separated us into groups of those who’d like to sit for a living and those who’d like to stand, did I pick the sitters? If I’d played my cards differently, I could be tossing raw fish into the mouth of a 600-pound sea creature and paying my bills all at the same time! Just me, my perky butt and fish.


So, that’s one of my BAGs. In 2010 I’m going to change careers. At the top of my list are: belly dancing instructor, Mulletville investigative reporter and professional dart-ist (don’t laugh: the average salary for professional dart player is $73,000). Wouldn’t that be sweet poetic justice?

My second BAG is to learn how to stuff stuff into stuff. Like these:

and these:

Yep, that about does it. The new me: a belly dancing, food stuffing dart thrower. Aim high, Mrs. Mullet, aim high.

(Admit it. You want me—even in my 35-year-old faded glory. You do!)


Mad Woman said...

When you learn to stuff stuff into stuff 'n' stuff, can you come teach me how to stuff that stuff into smaller stuff so I can fit my stuff into skinny stuff?

Or something.

New career. That's what I need. And a life.

Keely said...

Heh. Reminds me of the fake magazine I once made: "How to make yourself MORE perfect!"

Good luck overhauling your whole life. I can't even overhaul my wardrobe. My Big Ass Goal (because that's a much better term) this year is also to find a new 'career'. Hell, even a new JOB.

Amanda said...

My goal in 2010 is to drink more. And to start smoking. Yes, smoking. And eating fatty foods. And hiring hookers. Do they even have hot male hookers who look like George Clooney or that dude from the Twilight movie?

Wish me luck...

SLColman said...

I too turn 35 shortly after the turn of the new year. January 16th. Let me tell you I am not ready...

Love the list! I want/need to change careers too!

Pricilla said...

It's easy to stuff stuff into stuff. You've been stuffing stuff into your mouth for years, right? Just imagine the tomato as your mouth and you're there. Only the tomato won't burp.

Happy 35th.

Leanne said...

Aiming high would be doing all three at the SAME time. Just sayin'. Oh, Happy New Year too.

Number Four for BAG? Write the darn children's book. :)

Leanne said...

Shit, I just read your comments section. Who the heck is Amanda? I'm going over to her place. Oh, and 35 is YOUNG so sush up about it mkay?

Leaving now.

The Mother said...

Men cannot resist a belly-dancing food stuffer. Go for it.

Lindy said...

Poetic Justice? The world is to end on my birthday in 2012. That's right - the world starts and ends...with me.

Also, don't stuff the stuff in the second picture - that one looks kinda gross.

Also, again, sedentary? I bought a thesaurus just so I could read your blog. :)

Working Mommy said...

A new career would be nice...maybe I'll sink my teeth into that one as well...damn the sitters! We shall see!!


Brandy said...

oooh. i'm so excited. I can't wait to hear more of how the big ass goals are going. yay for belling dancing. i have a milestone birthday coming up too. yuck.

Otter Thomas said...

Stuffing stuff into stuff is an honorable and tasty goal. Good luck with that. As a big ass goal myself I think I will just try to be nicer even if it means I am not funny anymore.

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

You know, if you take the 'l' out of Dr. Susan's name, that makes her Dr. Battey.

Fitting, I think, since she recommended changing careers and making more money while we're in the Great Recession.

What year is SHE living in?

Catootes said...

Happy 35th!

Let's talk a little more when you're closing in on 43, 'kay? Because that is what 2010 has in store for me.

My BAG is to minimize my Big Ass Girlypants and stuffing stuff into stuff does not aid & abet that effort.

Dr. Battley can Bite Me! Unless she finds a way for me to get paid to sit on my ass and while writing my blog everyday, then she and I can be friends.

Happy new Year! Which is so much less important than saying Happy Birthday once more!

Jeanne said...

I'm not planning a new career
(cause that's so last year) but I have made arrangements for a blog-friend (who lives in France) to tutor me in French.

And then there's my big-ass-goal of getting rid of my big ass....

Frogs in my formula said...

Amanda, I'm thinking your hot hooker quest would make a great blog post...

Small Town Mommy said...

Whenever I go to Mystic Aquarium I think of how marine biologist would have been such a great job. Beats the heck out of professional suck up (can you tell I am having a bad day professionally). I much prefer Big Ass Goal and I only have 1 (earn more money). I would be happy to teach you to stuff stuff into stuff. One thing I can do is cook.

Frogs in my formula said...

Can you teach me how to stuff annoying co-workers into trunks? Oh wait, you said cooking...

Mrsbear said...

Can my Big Ass Goal be to grow a bigger ass? Never mind, already there, although I could always use a Booty Pop if I hit a plateau.

35 in March for me. Please tell me that's not actually middle age. If I live till I'm 90 I've got at least a decade yet.

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