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ABOUT ME

About me: I'm 42 and added another gherkin to our pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our 9-year-old Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

I have ridden the dark horse. All I can say is, I'm sorry

Many years ago, I attended grad school in Vermont. Chuck was a little under the weather at the time, but he wanted to spend New Year’s Eve with me so he drove from Connecticut to Vermont.

T’aint that sweet?

When he arrived, he didn’t look so hot. He was pasty white and grumpy. He was walking like he’d just dismounted a horse.

What bothered me most was that he wouldn’t sit down. We were celebrating New Year’s Eve at a local bar; everyone wanted to know why my sketchy boyfriend wouldn’t sit down. Why was he standing against the wall looking miserable? Damn him!

I got up and accused Chuck of being anti-social. I accused him of not wanting to sit near me because he didn’t love me. I went and sat back down.

(I may have been wasted at that point.)

Still, the man wouldn’t sit.

Finally he told he me why: He had a hemorrhoid, and it felt like he had a hot poker in his ass. He had just spent six hours in the car. If he didn’t stand, he might die.

At the time I thought, Bah! How much could a hemorrhoid hurt? Those people on TV who needed ointments and medicated pads and toilet paper made of down comforters were a bunch of sissies. I told Chuck as much. Even after he drove home and his nurse of a mother lanced the thing because he was crying from the pain—I still doubted him.

Years later, when Chuck needed surgery for his hiney, I still rolled my eyes when he groaned about the alleged hot poker feeling.

How much could it hurt? Suck it up! Butts can’t hurt.

Right?

Wrong. I have an appointment to see the proctologist in one hour. If he can relieve me from my pain, I will kiss his feet. And Chuck? If I could go back in time, I would not only stand next to you at the bar, I’d cram an ice pack between your cute little buttcheeks and knit a carry case for your surgical donut.

I'm sorry, okay?

Honey?

17 comments:

rachel... said...

I had bleeding hemorrhoids near the end (get it? ha.) of my last pregnancy. It was awful. Ointments and pads did NOTHING for the discomfort.

The good news is that it got better almost immediately after giving birth.

Good luck.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

ouch, hope all goes well for you!

SmartBear said...

Ohmahell girl! You just can't get a break!
Good luck with the butt doc!
Best,
Tina

Mama Badger said...

I remember an old Auntie of mine had hemorrhoids like nobody's business. She sewed herself a special seat cushion that went everywhere with her (in one of those old fashioned plastic see through bags!). Nobody dared speak ill of it.

Poor Chuck. I'm pretty sure if he's been there he isn't feeling justified, he's sympathizing (or at least he'd better since its his kid!!)

Pricilla said...

I am sorry this pregnancy has been hell for you. (I was going to say a pain in the a....)

I hope you are feeling better very soon. Pain sucks no matter where it is occurring.

The Mother said...

Yep. They hurt. But nothing hurts quite as much as any man thinks it does.

Mrs. Tuna said...

I hear a rumor that it's one of those things you get as you get older too, for that alone I will be 39 and holding forever.

tootertotz said...

If not for the delicious baby at the end, pregnancy would be a valid defense against homocide. Damn near every aspect of it sucks ass...hemmorhoidy ass, at that.

I got them for the first time with my second pregnancy as well. The good news: it has improved dramatcally since he was born. The less than appealing news: I have experienced one or two since he was born. I attribute it to my prenatal vitamins which I will stop taking when I am done nursing. I am hopeful that will make them go away for good.

If not, I'm going to kick and scream and make everyone in this small town miserable! haha!

Hang in there, girl...you're bell is just about to ring, right? That baby should be almost fully cooked!

Lindy said...

I've never had a hemorrhoid so really...can it be *that* bad? ;)

Good luck...I hope you get some relief soon!

Jenni said...

I had one after one of my kids. Thankfully it was small and went away, but it was basically torture. Hope your ass is feeling better.

Keely said...

I'm sorry. Chuck should maybe kiss it better?

SLColman said...

Oh no!! I hope that the dr can help!!

spunfull said...

Hemorrhoids are horrible but anal fissures??? Don't even ask! Hope you feel better soon!

Mammatalk said...

Hysterical! Karma at work!

Much luck with your hiney!

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

Mine just itch...pain like a hot poker in the ass? Um.....I'm so sorry for you and Chuck!

Otter Thomas said...

I feel like I can't sit now. Hope the dr. takes good care of you.

Kori said...

Uh, yikes. Nothing more to be said about it. *shudders*