ABOUT ME

About me: My husband Chuck, our six-year-old Junior, our three-year-old Everette and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

For Kate. I hope this helps you poop


I’d like to tackle a subject that’s been on my mind lately, ever since my co-worker Kate told me she drives to McDonald’s to poop instead of doing her business at the office. It got me thinking about how there might be more people who, like Kate, would like the convenience of pooping at the office without the embarrassment.

The fact is, given that most of us work 40-100 hours a week, pooping on the clock is inevitable. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but let's be honest, you don't ever want anyone to know you're pooping. I’m going to show you how to discreetly poop at work, so none of your co-workers will ever wonder again, “Was she just pooping?”

Yay.

I’ve tailored this to people who work in larger office buildings, like myself. If you work for a small company with one bathroom, you’ve got your own unique set of issues. Also, if you're a man, Chuck says this doesn't apply because "men don't obsess about anything and chicks are freaks."

Gah.

So here we go. It’s 9:45 a.m. and you’ve just finished your coffee. You also ate a bran muffin. There’s no turning back. You’ve got to go.

First, your goal is to find a bathroom that’s not being used. The basement or top floor bathrooms are obvious choices, but everyone goes there. They’re the building’s dirty little secrets. Look elsewhere. Do some laps, stick your head in doors, check for feet, etc. Don't choose a bathroom that a co-worker is exiting. If she happens to circle back around in 5-10 minutes as you’re leaving, she will know you’ve been pooping.

Once you’ve found an empty bathroom, your next obstacle is to choose a stall. If your bathroom has stall doors that reach the floor, consider yourself lucky. You’ve been given the gift of anonymity. If you don’t, be aware that people will be able to recognize you by your shoes. Ergo, the best days to poop are those that you’re wearing black boots and black pants because everyone in an office wears that.



Red shoes with flowers and bells are a dead giveaway, unless you can poop with your legs in the air—in which case, you are a pooping maverick.

You could play it safe and choose the stall on the end, but again, that’s everyone’s first choice; chances are it stinks in there. Be brave and choose the stall in the middle. You’ll ward off fellow poopers, because no one wants to sit next to someone they believe might also be pooping. Co-pooping is an extremely awkward and uncomfortable ordeal.

Now that you’ve selected your bathroom and stall, it’s time to get to work. You’re in the clear. Unless...

...Someone walks in.

Don’t panic. Your insides will tense up. You’ve actually got several choices. You can:

1. Abort the mission, which is painful and uncomfortable but sometimes necessary
2. Poop so fast the person won’t even notice
3. Vigorously shake the sanitary napkin box and/or toilet paper dispenser
4. Outstay the other person(s) and hope she is oblivious to your feet

I recommend option 3. Slam the sanitary napkin box lid a few hundred times and rattle the toilet paper dispenser. Loud noises scare people off. And really, isn’t it better to have a co-worker think “Omigod, she’s having the worst period ever!” or anger management issues than “Gross, she’s pooping!”?

Yes. Yes it is.

Option 4 is risky. If someone walks into a bathroom where there might be a pooper, she will generally hurry the hell up so she won’t have to overhear anything, but others are downright confrontational. They might apply mascara or talk to themselves, in which case you will have to leave the stall and meet them eye-to-eye at the sink. All the while knowing what you’ve just done. Don’t be naive: these people enjoy your discomfort and will go back to their department and tell everyone you just dropped a huge stink bomb.

Another caveat to option 4, you may be in there for hours. It’s a total crapshoot.

So those are the basics on becoming a star office pooper. Just remember, your success can easily be squashed by bumping into someone as you're exiting a bathroom that reeked before you entered. Don’t take the blame for someone else’s poo.

You're better than that.

Any questions?

32 comments:

Pricilla said...

We goats don't worry about such things. We just poop when we need to. One of my favorite things to do is poop and run at the same time. I have heard the publicist say something about it looking like a salad shooter - whatever that is.

Loving Wife, Working Mom said...

I used to work in a place where there were old people coming and going. One time, I tried to wait it out, until I heard an old lady asked a cleaning lady (whose voice I recognized because we were familiar with each other) who entered the bathroom: Can you check on the lady in that stall? I think she might be dead or something because she has been there for a LOOONG time! Thankfully, she declined the offer and left the bathroom. Since then, I just poop. That's what the place is for after all.

Trac~ said...

ROFLMAO!!! The funny thing is that me, my sister, nor my mom can go to the bathroom - pee or poop if anyone else is in the bathroom at all! HA!

FoN said...

I once picked option 4, but so did the other person and then we spent the better part of the morning in this awkward game of poop-chicken.

SAHM's have it so good.

Frogs in my formula said...

Poop chicken--the ultimate stand off. As for pooping being compared to a salad shooter? I laughed so hard I almost...I won't say it.

blognut said...

I will actually die before pooping at the office. I am a home field player.

However, if I'm really going to explode, I will drive to McDonald's and hope like hell I don't run into a co-worker.

Sha'ahn said...

hilarious. I was thinking of doing a post like this just today when I had a pooping incident. You're right, maybe we should team up to give people advice about being "proper" LOL. Im following your blog. You're funny.

Mrsbear said...

I'm so so glad I don't have to poop at work anymore, especially after an rancid Taco Bell lunch. Sometimes an emergency pit stop nullifies all other options. Although rattling the sanitary napkin box is an excellent strategy.

Mad Woman said...

Hotty Hubby would like to know why we can't all just poop on schedule like he does.

I hate going to the bathroom in public...I'll have to employ some of your tips next time.

Keely said...

I'm with Chuck on this one, but I realize I'm in the minority. I work with a woman who has IBS (among other issues) and recently revealed to me that she can't poop at work. She drinks like, 12 cups of coffee and eats nothing but fast food. I'm kind of not surprised that her insides are messed up.

Yaya' s Changing World said...

This is funny. I don't know why we get so hung up on something so natural, but not knowing why hasn't changed my hang-ups.

~ Yaya
Yaya's Changing World

idifficult said...

Excellent. You should put this on your company's intranet. Then they'll all know why the staff are doing circuits of the nearest poo rooms.

jo said...

Ha thats hilarious. Difficult situation at my workplace, one unisex bathroom with 2 cubicles inside (& lockers & a teeny shower stall) You never want to bump into someone coming in as you are leaving. One person brings their own air freshener!

The Mother said...

Never understood the fixations and hangups about bodily functions.

Give that lady a copy of "Everbody Poops" and get on with it.

Jenni said...

Pooping maverick, hahaha!

When my husband works at the telework center, he leaves to poop because it is a one-bathroom office. He goes to the hardware store across the street.

Brandy said...

I'm so glad that you put this tutorial out there. I think there a lot of girls that could benefit. I tend to be the wait until the bathroom is empty to leave.

MaryBT said...

We have 2 separate bathrooms at our office with 1 toilet in each.

The other day, the mail lady was using the women's room (which is a whole nother story because she comes to our office 53 times a day to use the bathroom) so I had to use the men's room.

On the back of the commode were 3 magazines: concrete international, diesel power, and playboy.

Chuck is right. Men got no problem pooping. They aren't even embarrassed that they read while they poop.

http://marybt.wordpress.com

Buggys said...

Love the salad shooter image. It's stuck with me now!

The last place I worked was a very small office. 8-10 people and the office was a small cape cod style house. Two single bathrooms and they were on opposite sides of the front room. No privacy at all! There is no good strategy for that and further, it was out in the boonies.

Life As I Know It said...

oh my god, that was the funniest thing I've seen in a long time.
thanks for the friday laugh!

Catootes said...

OMG Funny!
Frankly my sphincter snaps shut tight if I'm in the office bathroom and someone enters. It's a bioligical safeguard, I'm convinced.

Grace said...

Oh dear lord, that was sooo funny!

Magpie said...

I need to send this to my sister...

Jen said...

I have been lucky, I poop first thing in the morning, before the shower because that just seems right. Both my kids suffer from the inability or unwillingness to poop at school and the first thing they do when they get home is head for the bathroom, and they don't care who hears them.

The comments on this post are the funniest things I have ever read. Salad shooter and poop-chicken!

Dawn Sherriff said...

matches are excellant for disguising smells, just light one and blow it out straight away, let it smoke. Of course then your co workers will think you've been smoking. Which is worse lol!!

Kathy said...

LMAO! Stumbled because this is the funniest thing I've read in weeks. "unless you can poop with your legs in the air—in which case, you are a pooping maverick."

Dying.

I do not go at work. Cannot go at work. Will not go at work unless my insides are on fire and are threatening to become my outsides.

I'm very regular and proud of it. I plan to put that on T-shirts.

Katie said...

Thank you for the best laugh I've had all week! I'm also glad to know that I'm not the only one with public pooping issues.

Lindy said...

I used to work somewhere where the guys would take in reading material. If that doesn't say "I'm a free pooper" I don't know what does.

Sheila Sultani said...

An Ode (or odor) to true friendship. What an awesome friend. The research must have been something else.

LuckyLady said...

I gotta go when I gotta go. Trying any of the hold-outs would definitely result in an accident. If anyone here has a problem with that - it is their problem not mine.

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

What if you only have one stall like us? Then everyone knows! Or at least the woman waiting outside to pee after you. The woman who comes right back again with an odd look on her face, sits at her desk and quietly announces she didn't really have to go anyhow and she'll wait until later, but then finally goes in and sprays the hell out of the bathroom and....OK. I'm done. This story has become waaay too personal.

Busy Mom in Iowa said...

Ha ha ha...I have total issues pooping anywhere in public....I have been at my job for 2 1/2 years and I have only pooped there once!! I have been known to go home during my lunch break for relief LOL

Sandra Elle said...

I work for a small company. I can see the bathroom sink from my desk. I can hear the air freshener being sprayed from my desk. For some reason, our rogue farts are muffled. Still, with only three women and the occasional delivery guy using it, we know exactly when one of us has taken a dookie.