Thursday, April 15, 2010
For Kate. I hope this helps you poop
I’d like to tackle a subject that’s been on my mind lately, ever since my co-worker Kate told me she drives to McDonald’s to poop instead of doing her business at the office. It got me thinking about how there might be more people who, like Kate, would like the convenience of pooping at the office without the embarrassment.
The fact is, given that most of us work 40-100 hours a week, pooping on the clock is inevitable. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but let's be honest, you don't ever want anyone to know you're pooping. I’m going to show you how to discreetly poop at work, so none of your co-workers will ever wonder again, “Was she just pooping?”
I’ve tailored this to people who work in larger office buildings, like myself. If you work for a small company with one bathroom, you’ve got your own unique set of issues. Also, if you're a man, Chuck says this doesn't apply because "men don't obsess about anything and chicks are freaks."
So here we go. It’s 9:45 a.m. and you’ve just finished your coffee. You also ate a bran muffin. There’s no turning back. You’ve got to go.
First, your goal is to find a bathroom that’s not being used. The basement or top floor bathrooms are obvious choices, but everyone goes there. They’re the building’s dirty little secrets. Look elsewhere. Do some laps, stick your head in doors, check for feet, etc. Don't choose a bathroom that a co-worker is exiting. If she happens to circle back around in 5-10 minutes as you’re leaving, she will know you’ve been pooping.
Once you’ve found an empty bathroom, your next obstacle is to choose a stall. If your bathroom has stall doors that reach the floor, consider yourself lucky. You’ve been given the gift of anonymity. If you don’t, be aware that people will be able to recognize you by your shoes. Ergo, the best days to poop are those that you’re wearing black boots and black pants because everyone in an office wears that.
Red shoes with flowers and bells are a dead giveaway, unless you can poop with your legs in the air—in which case, you are a pooping maverick.
You could play it safe and choose the stall on the end, but again, that’s everyone’s first choice; chances are it stinks in there. Be brave and choose the stall in the middle. You’ll ward off fellow poopers, because no one wants to sit next to someone they believe might also be pooping. Co-pooping is an extremely awkward and uncomfortable ordeal.
Now that you’ve selected your bathroom and stall, it’s time to get to work. You’re in the clear. Unless...
...Someone walks in.
Don’t panic. Your insides will tense up. You’ve actually got several choices. You can:
1. Abort the mission, which is painful and uncomfortable but sometimes necessary
2. Poop so fast the person won’t even notice
3. Vigorously shake the sanitary napkin box and/or toilet paper dispenser
4. Outstay the other person(s) and hope she is oblivious to your feet
I recommend option 3. Slam the sanitary napkin box lid a few hundred times and rattle the toilet paper dispenser. Loud noises scare people off. And really, isn’t it better to have a co-worker think “Omigod, she’s having the worst period ever!” or anger management issues than “Gross, she’s pooping!”?
Yes. Yes it is.
Option 4 is risky. If someone walks into a bathroom where there might be a pooper, she will generally hurry the hell up so she won’t have to overhear anything, but others are downright confrontational. They might apply mascara or talk to themselves, in which case you will have to leave the stall and meet them eye-to-eye at the sink. All the while knowing what you’ve just done. Don’t be naive: these people enjoy your discomfort and will go back to their department and tell everyone you just dropped a huge stink bomb.
Another caveat to option 4, you may be in there for hours. It’s a total crapshoot.
So those are the basics on becoming a star office pooper. Just remember, your success can easily be squashed by bumping into someone as you're exiting a bathroom that reeked before you entered. Don’t take the blame for someone else’s poo.
You're better than that.
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