ABOUT ME

About me: My husband Chuck, our six-year-old Junior, our three-year-old Everette and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Random Tuesday Thoughts: Beards

randomtuesday

I recently learned that my aunt shaves her face with a razor and that my cousin had eyebrows tattooed on because she plucked them off and they never grew back. I wish I'd known that before I bought their Christmas presents. Shaving cream is a lot less expensive than electronics.

My brother’s ex-fiancée Holly came over last night. She brought a bottle of wine and fancy cheese. I fed her tator tots. I guess that qualifies as our second date.

Holly now knows the relationship is officially over because my brother set his Facebook status to "single." Fucking Facebook.

Things were going great (well, better) until my brother called my house phone and left a message. She cried when she heard his voice. I jumped up and gave her her Christmas present—I thought it might cheer her up.

“I love it!” she said. Then she burst into tears again. Turns out the colors in the scarf I’d given her—turquoise and pink—were going to be the colors in her bridal party.

Brilliant.

She’s only 22 but she knows she loves my brother. She also knows she wants to settle down and have kids. She said she’s known since eighth grade, when her teacher asked everyone what profession they wanted to pursue and she answered “I want to be a mom.”

Do you know that the teacher wouldn’t accept her answer? She made Holly pick “an actual profession” (the teacher’s words).

Blasphemy.

Holly's present is the only one I've bought so far. I'm not sure what I'm waiting for. Maybe for things to be 100% off. Oh wait, that's shoplifting.

We're having 20 people for Christmas Eve. I'm terrified. Last year my gravy looked like simmered brain in mud sauce, and we all know what happened the last time I tried to cook meat.

If you read about a family that spent Christmas Eve in the emergency room, you'll know they belong to me. Except for the bearded woman. I'm not ready to admit I know her just yet.

29 comments:

mo.stoneskin said...

I always had a sneaking suspicion that you were a shoplifter. Can you remind me of your real name and your address? (I have a few phone calls to make)

Mama Badger said...

Tattooed on? Wow, that raises the penciled on in my family.

I'm not so sure the stores would mind if you shoplifted at this point. At least stuff would be off their shelves.

Good luck, and Merry Christmas.

Working Mommy said...

Oh, if only everything were 100% off...if only! Poor Holly...sounds like she isn't holding up very well, but it does sound like your second date went okay - minus the scarf colors and your bro calling! Here is to hoping you have a happy holiday season!

~WM

Shana said...

100% off would be awesome! Your post made me sad for Holly but also cracked me up with the other stuff. have a Merry Christmas and good luck with the food!

Lindy said...

Damn Facebook, and pink and torquise.

VandyJ said...

Tattooed in that permenantly surprised look? that always gets a giggle from me.

100% off huh? Maybe I shopped to soon.

I am Harriet said...

That took guts. good thing you had tater tots :)

Have a great holiday weekend!
http://iamharriet.blogspot.com/2009/12/so-much-for-super-saturday.html

Brandy said...

poor holly. it's so nice you are still friends with her.

my nana shaves with a razor and draws her eyebrows on everyday. She told me if she has to go the hospital that I have to come draw her eyebrows on before I let her have visitors.

Otter Thomas said...

Good luck balancing that relationship with Holly.

"simmered brain in mud sauce" That is hilarious. I think I have had that gravy.

Pricilla said...

Just put your gravy through a sieve after you make it and you will be fine...it holds back the brain part.

Merry Christmas to you and Holly. And Chuck and Jr.

Michele said...

My Aunt used to paint on her eyebrows. Sometimes they were quite even. Very strange.

Jeanne said...

All women over the age of 53 whose natural hair color is dark brown or darker shave their faces with a razor.

Or join the circus.

(Fingers crossed that you're a natural blonde.)

Keely said...

Ugh, poor girl. Well, maybe if you set her up with someone your brother would pull his head out of his ass...

Perhaps you should be buying some bleach or wax for your family members for Xmas...

Grand Pooba said...

Seriously, what has Facebook done to the world?

SLColman said...

Poor Holly!
Good luck with Christmas Eve Dinner!!

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

I'm not kidding... do you think that female shaving thing is more prevalent than we realize?

There's a lady at church who I just KNOW shaves. She has that 5 o'clock shadow! But I'd never ask. I thought it was weird, but maybe not?

And, I just wonder, how does a woman begin that whole habit? Why would it EVER occur to a woman that shaving her face would be a good thing, even one time?

Mad Woman said...

Ohhhhhh ouch to tattooed eyebrows. That's gotta hurt!!

Poor Holly. At least she has you to date.

Small Town Mommy said...

Poor Holly, I feel for her. Too bad you don't have another brother you could marry her to, at least she would still be in the family. Is there a chance they will get back together?

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kyooty said...

oh no! FB break ups? ACK!

Marinka said...

I feel bad for Holly. I'd been there. OMG, now I'm re-traumatized. Thanks for reminding me of my breakdown.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Hairy and hairless relatives, eh? Way more interesting than my relatives! ;)

Poor Holly! Can you smack your brother upside the head for me?

Hope you survived the Christmas Eve dinner...and have a Very Merry Christmas! :)

James (SeattleDad) said...

Once had a classmate in HS who had a mustache. We kidded her a lot about it until one day she came to school shaved! That was 25 years ago.

I feel bad since she probably looks like Tom Selleck now.

Nanc Twop said...

''...100% off.
Oh wait, that's shoplifting.''



Well, why not bring along a few trinkets to exchange for said items? Then it'd be a swap instead of a swipe...

;-)

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