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ABOUT ME

About me: I'm 42 and added another gherkin to our pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our 9-year-old Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

The good news is that Quentin Tarantino is working it into his next script

Almost one year ago, I posted this. Oh, fine, lazy asses, I'll give you the Cliff Notes. I wrote "...I want to be culinarily fertile. I want to leaven a lasagna, birth a moist banana nut bread, souse a Succotash."

I still feel that way, even though the memories of this and this still haunt me. So last night, I put on my big girl pants and ventured into the Land of Meatloaf.



But instead of Julia Childing a meatloaf, I ended up with something that resembled...oh, shoot, are you trying to eat breakfast? I should probably be offering you a puke pan instead of descriptive analogies.

What happened? Was the meatloaf scared of the edge? Why did it recoil so?

Seriously, if that damn chunky blob of wretch is not the most compelling argument for becoming a vegetarian, I don't know what is. You fellas at the National Cattlemen's Beef Association better watch out. I'm single-handedly (and, albeit, unintentionally) bringing you bad boys down.

I'm hoping the Apron Goddess can whip me up a flowery one of these. I'd like mine in extra small: all this nauseating food means Mama Mullet's shrinkin as fast as her meatpile.

The silver lining to this debacle is that Chuck has agreed to take a cooking class with me! Isn't that sweet? Now I just need to find one through the Mulletville Continuing Education Department. Shudder. One whose menu doesn't include possum dumplings or fried muskrat. Mmmyah, maybe now you'll take this post a little more seriously.

30 comments:

Sara said...

I'm scared of your meatloaf. What happened?! Still stand by my suggestions in the last link. :D You can do it! Think of the classes as an adventure. Or start making out with your Schwan man.

Lindy said...

What. The. Hell.

That looks like low grade dog food. :)

marybt said...

How the hell do you screw up meatloaf?! Seriously. I mean, I'm not trying to give you low self-esteem or anything, but ... meatloaf?!

Get you a Fannie Farmer cookbook. She goes over all the basics. Like meatloaf.

Keely said...

Uh...is your whole house on a slant and you've never noticed or something? That is seriously bizarre.

Do you think taking a cooking class with Chuck is a good idea? I mean, he'll probably rock at it and cause unnecessary tension. Just deem cooking HIS job.

rachel... said...

Oh my god... I've never seen anything quite like that before. I'd love for some kind of forensic chef to come along and let us know exactly what happened there.

Not that I can cook or anything.

Brandy said...

i don't belief that is meatloaf. I googled meatloaf images and that is not even close. i shudder at your meatloaf.

blognut said...

I am not going to make fun of that thing you called 'meatloaf' because I'm giving you credit for trying.

However, I would like to recommend that you let Chuck do the cooking.

Just sayin'.

Anne said...

You are a smart, funny woman who is graphically talented. You should probably play to your strengths. Maybe you should sign up Chuck for the cooking class and let him take over the cooking.

Mel Fraase said...

Gah! That is scary! Question is... did you eat it anyway? Sometimes closing your eyes helps. And plugging your nose? Good luck in the cooking classes!

Thyra G said...

Growing up, I always hated meatloaf since my mother's was particularly brick-like and unpleasant. You couldn't get me to touch that stuff...

Okay, so I found a "normal" meatloaf recipe and it looks like a huge football but it tastes F*&^ing awesome. I'll send along recipe if you want...

Just askin'.

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

Um, no offense, but at first I thought, "Why is she showing us a picture of a pan filled with vomit?"

And then you said it was meatloaf.

And I had to re-read it a few times to make sure I had read it right.

You'll get it figured out! I have a great book called the Food Lover's Tiptionary. It gives simple tips about all kinds of foods, like how to store them, how long they can be frozen, how to boil vs. broil vs. grill, etc. I also love my magazine, Cook's Illustrated, because they explain how the WRONG techniques can make a dish turn out weird. Sometimes I need to know that because I tend to experiment too much in the kitchen. Not good when I'm not exactly a gourmet cook to begin with!

Magpie said...

I'm so confused. My mouth is hanging open in disbelief. What happened to that?

Maureen said...

Your commenters are even funnier than your meatloaf!

Kate said...

I can hardly type with all of the laughing going on. Thanks for being that "ugly friend" that makes us all feel better about themselves!

Pricilla said...

Good heavens - is the burger afraid of your pan?

that is one scary looking meal. No offense intended.

Elle said...

Holy crap! That's pretty damn scary. Maybe I should show this picture to my husband and he might not complain about my boring cooking.

Suzi said...

Yeah, the apron would give people more than fair warning when they want you to bring a dish. ;-) Maybe Chuck will get you the apron.

How cool is that? Chuck taking cooking class with you? If only I were that lucky! Can Chuck come live with me? He can send me on my day with lunch and then make dinner too! You don't know how good you have it sister.

Mad Woman said...

Um. Hmm. I dunno what you did to that, but I'm scared to look anymore. I have the easiest meatloaf recipe, and it's yummy too. But maybe we'll wait til you've had a few cooking lessons.

My goodness.

Staci said...

A cook after my own heart. Chances are if I ever tried to make meatloaf, it would look far worse than yours. A cooking class wouldn't help. I'd either blow up something or set the kitchen on fire the first night and be kicked out, guaranteed. I'll keep my fingers crossed that the same doesn't happen to you.

Julia said...

Apparently your oven is tilted at a 45 degree angle to the floor for that nightmare to coagulate in the corner like that. I am still wondering about the red pieces. Um. Pimento? Say its red bell pepper please.

I am sending you a foolproof meat loaf recipe right now. I can't stand this any more. You HAVE to be able to make meatloaf. That is just so long as you can get the level out and check your oven. And maybe you need a kick ass apron to inspire you to greatness. I'm just sayin'...

Dto3 said...

Meat Loaf? Really? Are you sure? As I traveled down memory lane with you, I must repeat my comment from a year ago. . .Embrace the knowledge that you must be AWESOME in bed, or else Chuck would be long gone!

Frogs in my formula said...

Thank you, everyone, for your comments about meatloaf being the easiest thing to make. Apparently I was using the wrong recipe. I love the idea of a forensic chef! And yes, I am awesome in bed. Just for the record.

Frogs in my formula said...

Thank you, everyone, for your comments about meatloaf being the easiest thing to make. Apparently I was using the wrong recipe. I love the idea of a forensic chef! And yes, I am awesome in bed. Just for the record.

kyooty said...

OK I've got a LOT of questions, what's th white stuff? what's the red stuff? how much meat did you put in it and why is there extra stuff in there?

Meatloaf ready? Company's Coming cook book Main courses.
Favorite Meatloaf,
2 Eggs,
3/4 ketchup
1/2 cup water/milk
11/2cups dry bread crumbs
1 envelope dry onion Soup
2lbs ground beef(lean is nice)
1tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper
1/2 cup ketchup

So basically mix everything but the last Ketchup together like a BIG meatball. and the put it in a loaf pan, Smooth the last Ketchup over top and Tehre you have it bake at 350F for 1-1 1/4hours.

Another way, put in 1 cup opr more of cratted cheddar to the meat.

my sister uses diced tomatoes instead of the ketchup. BIG meatball/hamburgers in the shape of a loaf. I think your situation called for more meat or less pan.

Grand Pooba said...

Ok wait. Are you for real? Is that really meatloaf that you were trying to cook? I'm sorry but you're right, it's scary!

I take cooking classes and love them! Mostly because we get to eat. But do I cook more at home? Nope.

kyooty said...

for some reason it says you posted but it's not here?

Buggys said...

Ok, that pan of something is scarey looking! Sorry.
Love, Love the apron goddess. I could just wear those aprons every day!

Junk Drawer Kathy said...

Jesus God Almighty that's a scary piece of meat. Although it almost doesn't even look like meat. It just looks like body parts mixed up. I gotta go. I'm about to order take-out and I need to cleanse my brain of this.

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

*sigh* same here!!

Mrsbear said...

Wow! The red bits and the runny stuff? Are you sure it's not some kind of conceptual art? Social commentary? Cause if it is, you're very talented...I still wouldn't eat it though. Take-out is your friend. ;)