Monday, November 23, 2009

She who sees grasshopper on turkey's head should find new forest



I'm grouchy. I know that Thanksgiving is a time to enjoy our families and all that jazz, but between Chuck's divorced and remarried parents and my divorced and remarried parents, I always end up with that nagging feeling that we've left someone outside.

Oops, I mean out. I'd never leave a cherished relative out on the stoop.

Never, ever.

And I know it's only November 23 but I'm already tired of people trying to sell me things. All we hear lately is "Buy now!" and "Get to the store now!" Even worse, I've ended up on a new-agey mailing list. I’m not sure what purchase invited this travesty, but suddenly I am getting catalogs for organic lemur sperm and sustainable salmon headbands that make you look 10 years younger—and I’m sick of it.

I’m all for the spiritually-enlightened-meets-“green” slant, especially if it means one more person recycles or meditates by a tree instead of chopping it down, but I don’t want to buy a piece of it. I’m broke. And the messages are so corny. Like the letter I got today from a local spa. Can I share it with you?

Spa lady begins:

“It was a splendid Indian Summer week...there was a convivial atmosphere...a fresh palette was in the air.”

Yaaaaaaaaaawn. Two days of sixty degree weather does not change the fact that the trees are scraggly, gray-black premonitions of winter’s decimation.

“...in the autumnal season the most notable thing that is changing is change itself. Change happens...what may be harder to see is that the manner in which change occurs is in itself changing. Today change happens in giant leaps and bounds whereas before change took little hops.”

Huh? What kind of mind bender is that? Change is changing but not in the way it used to? How does she know how change operates in my life? My husband has been out of work for an entire year. I still live in Mulletville and work for a bunch of wackos. Not only is change taking minute hops, it’s hopping in the wrong fucking direction.

“...leaves had dried up into little origami balls...the light was playing with their round shapes. When I bent down...the little grasshopper jumped into the scene...What are the chances...?”

Probably pretty good, seeing as we haven’t really had a frost yet.

“What this scene...depicts...is that the thing that is changing, the experience, is something to be thankful for and not forgotten. The enjoyable present moment is in the cusp of change, the moment where you see the past and have a glimpse of the future...Enjoy the moment...”

Blah, blah, blah. Stop projecting your crazy ass grasshopper metaphor on me! Getting a facial at your spa is not going to transform my life. How did I get on your mailing list? Did Stop and Shop sell you my name because I bought non-flouride toothpaste? Or gawd, maybe it was the hemp and flax post.

The experience of change and deriving meaning is great and all, but sometimes a grasshopper is just a grasshopper. What if those queer little origami balls are just, as she noted, dried up leaves? You just wasted twenty minutes assigning meaning to an insect and a wad of organic matter when instead you could have been...

...you know, enjoying the moment.

For free.

We all can.

20 comments:

FoN said...

I would never get a facial from anyone who uses the phrase 'cusp of change'. Ever.

The Mother said...

The rate of change in change requires calculus. I'll send the engineer over and he'll straighten you out.

Amanda said...

I get that lemur sperm catalog as well. Some evenings my husband brings it into the bathroom with him. Not sure why...

Julia said...

Wha? What's a facial? Spa?

Our turkey eats grasshoppers. That's what they are meant for!

Pricilla said...

Maybe the grasshopper wants a facial....

mo.stoneskin said...

I can see through all this. You left one of your relatives outside on the front step didn't you?

kyooty said...

Stick to the snow facials! they are coming soon, you just stand there and catch snow on your face, :)

tootertotz said...

And I figured it was all about eating then feeling fat and happy afterward.

Damn, those spa groupies mess with everything. I bet she would suggest hitting the holiday spread in moderation...so screw her crazy ass. I'll shove that grasshopper down her throat and see how she likes that for a "change."

Lindy said...

What the hell is a "cusp" anyway?

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

I have a new sales pitch for the spa:

Come get a facial! Mental masturbation included in price!

Sara said...

Huh? Guess I'm not new age enlightened. Think I'll stick to my daily apricot scrub and regular life.

VandyJ said...

Seven times she used change in that one quote. Must be a record. I think my eyes were glazing over and my mind turning off, probably not the reaction the letter writer intended. Getting out and enjoying the moment for free is way better than a facial any day!

Buggys said...

She used a whole bunch of (time) and sappy words to say nothing. Don't you want to go find her and bitch slap her back to reality?

Grand Pooba said...

Wait, why would a grasshopper want to hang out on a turkey's head?

Otter Thomas said...

That nearly made me sick. What in the hell is wrong with the hippies at that spa.

Mama Badger said...

Just reading that caused my shoulders to hunch. She should give out a free massage for making us sit through that. What krappe. Sorry your on those mailing lists.

Mad Woman said...

Her whole email thingy was just way to wordy and confusing for the likes of me. A two liner would have been better. "Buy this. It rocks"

Small Town Mommy said...

Instead of talking to you about change, shouldn't she have been trying to convince you that you need a spa day? Tell me how damn stressful the holidays are and that a spa day will help me to relax. That is more likely to make me book a trip to the spa than boring me to tears.

Frogs in my formula said...

So it's decided then? We take the bitch, the grasshopper and the turkey down?

Ms. Salti said...

My therapist would love you. Being "mindful" is what we talk about all the time. You've obviously mastered it. Maybe you should become a therapist!?

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