Sunday, November 15, 2009

Sport & Shave Ken has the worst pick-up lines

Yesterday, as I rode Thomas the Train for the second time this month, I watched all the fellow mommies diligently shuffling their kids through the pouring rain, and I remembered something.

I remembered that before I had Junior, I made fun of moms. Mercilessly. They seemed so eager to please and to use the word poop. I didn’t like all their stupid containers and how they always needed to compartmentalize snacks, toys and diapers.

I thought women who became mothers morphed into Mombots who sacrificed their fun, quirky and sometimes irresponsible inner selves to the ravenous child beast and shared way too much personal information. I also thought that mom-types were predetermined much in the way that Barbie’s different personas are and that I had no choice about what kind I’d become.

Would I become Crunchy Vegetarian Mom who only wore corduroy overalls and ate trail mix? Would I become Cocktail Mom who had a stiff drink in one hand and formula in the other and who accidentally slept with Crunchy Vegetarian Mom’s husband, also known as Malibu Dad?

(Heh, heh. Don’t you love when people accidentally sleep with eachother?)

Now I have a kid, so I have a clearer picture. Although I use the word poop a lot and share way too much information (hello, blog?), I’ve learned that you aren’t arbitrarily engulfed by a mother persona; or if you are, you were probably leaning in that direction anyway.

I’m also happy to say that my former inner self is alive and well. I know this because my friends keep telling me: “It’s so great. You haven’t changed since Junior.”

Over. And over. And over again.

At first I thought, Yeeha. But the more I thought about it, the more it bothered me. How could motherhood not have changed me?

I can think of the little ways I’ve changed. If I go to the grocery store without Junior, I can ransack the place in 23:04 minutes because I am so efficient now. I vacuum at strange hours of the night. I am a compulsive multi-tasker, often in ways that disgust me (like putting on mascara while talking to the credit card company while sitting on the porcelain bowl while supervising Junior’s bath while ruminating on my work to-do list).

But those aren’t necessarily good things, and they’re not fundamental. I didn’t go through nine months of labor to not only stay the same but also become unexciting, mechanical and anal. In a(nother) moment of self-doubt, I concluded that if motherhood hasn’t changed me, I must not have embraced my new role with enough testicle. Ergo, I’ve been mommying with only one nut.

Will the world ever be safe again?

Yes, yes, my kittens, it will. I’m happy to report that there’s a giant uniball at the end of this tunnel.

Last night, after Junior and I had dried off from our Thomas outing, my friend Jen came over with her four-month-old son. This girl is a trooper. Not only did she drive to Connecticut from North Carolina by herself with an infant to see her family and friends, she drove an extra hour to see me in Mulletville.

Jen and I drank wine and talked. Then we drank some more. Something beautiful happened, and it wasn’t just the wine buzz. The more we talked, the more I realized that despite being ridiculously sleep-deprived, Jen really hasn’t changed that much (cue sit-com “aha” moment). Her sense of direction still sucks. She’s still a bitch for never gaining weight. And she still manages to find cool shoes at the Maxi Pad. So, duh, she’s Jen, but with a kid.

It was like I got a glimpse of myself from my friends’ perspective and it wasn’t bad at all. It was gloriously reassuring. I love that Jen is still Jen; I wish I’d told her that. I also love that every day, thanks to this blog, I realize what a freak I am for obsessing about things that aren’t stress-worthy. I do have two nuts and I need to caress them and honor them with all my heart.

Simply, I need to give myself a mommy erection a bit more often. I hope you give yourself one too—and your partner*.

* Malibu Dad made me write that.


Lindy said...

Thanks to Malibu Dad, my husband says I have to read this post everyday for "inspiration."

Anne said...

Having kids really didn't change me (except for rarely getting a chance to go out). I did have something happen in my life when my older daughter was 18 months old that changed me dramatically. I don't think having kids changes people necessarily, it just realigns your priorities a little bit.

Keely said...

I generally find the 'friends' who think you've "changed" are the ones with shallow interests that you no longer share.

Cause I'm still the same weirdo, dammit, and I plan to mentally scar my kid just as much as my mom did to me.

Anonymous said...

Embrace the inner you dear child.
Embrace with both nuts.

Yep, I'm still the same me.

SugarBritches said...

All my iced tea, all of my keyboard. Thank you very much.

Julia said...

Now you just need to get a pair of the metal balls that some people hang on their rear bumper. They you will really be able to embrace yer balls.

Mad Woman said...

My husband says that you should grab those nuts with both hands and hang on tight while you remind yourself constantly of this post.

Personally, I say "bravo". I still have many days where I feel like I lost myself.

Kayleen said...

Oh shit, I'm a mombot.

Jen said...

Having kids didn't change me but changes have happened anyway. For the most part all good. I can multitask with the best of them and I too do a lot of it while in the bathroom, if I could balance my laptop on my lap I would blog from there, except I don't get any privacy in there so...hell, I lost the train of thought I was on...damn kids!

I was never cut out to be one of those kinds of moms. I say poop a lot but I also say shit and other really bad swear words, and yes, in front of the kids. I do have two balls, and maybe even a few extra.

I loved this post. If I weren't so tired from being a mom I might be able to articulate why but I am and I can't. But thanks for writing it.

mo.stoneskin said...


I'd have thought a mombot like yourself could shave 10 minutes off that! I'm expecting to hear of a record-breaking time next post.

Frogs in my formula said...

Dear Santa,
Please oh please bring me a pair of metal balls for my car's bumper! Extra large please.

NeCole@Eclectic Ecstasy said...

I love that you have balls and that you use them. It's why I read your blog.

Sara said...

I'm pretty positive I haven't changed too much. Not sure if I've reached the status of mom-gasmic, but I do rawk...most days....

Mama Badger said...

Eh, I had the same worry after kid #1. What the hell were other mom's doing that I wasn't? Then I realized that moms who change didn't have much of an identy before hand.

Forget the balls for your bumper, you need the brass ones that you can carry in your pocket and fondle at your leisure!

The Fam said...

I am proud to say that I am not just so-and-so's mom. I am a wife, friend and so many other things. I think we have to show our kids that we are well rounded people. The kid who thinks mommy's world revolves around him is in for a rude shock later on.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

yay for mommy erections! That is an excellent term that needs to be used way more often.

and the only man I ever sleep with by accident is my husband. and that has to do with having too much wine, sleeping too heavily and not having sex with him in too long, lol.

Renée aka Mekhismom said...

You are so funny. I don't think I've changed since being a mom. Same person but I have a little hanging about most of the time.

Mrsbear said...

I could say being a mom hasn't changed me, but it would be bullshit. 15 years of it has sucked the life right out of me. I've still got my sense of humor though. And my balls as far as I can tell.

Otter Thomas said...

I feel like the same guy, but my wife is struggling right now. I know she is the same person as before. She was always a mom at heart. She is just way more tired and stressed now.

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