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About me: I'm a 40-something mother to a pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our tween Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler Cam, and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). I'm a freelance graphic designer and writer.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Who put the cuckoo in the cookie jar? Yes, you put the cuckoo in the...

Sunday morning. Chuck, Junior and I are lying in bed.

Junior: Mommy, your butt is big.

Me: What? Chuck, is it? Is it?

Chuck: No.

I looked at him just in time to see the left side of his top lip twitch slightly. It’s Chuck’s tell. He’s a horrible liar anyway, but the lip twitch is how I know without a doubt that he’s full of shit. It’s also how I know he’d never even attempt an affair. He’d make it, like, two minutes before I busted him.

I jumped out of bed to get a better look at my backside in the mirror.

Me: Oh, God. It is bigger.

Chuck: It’s not. [Lip twitch]

Me: You’re lying.

Chuck: You’re pregnant. Everything is bigger.

Me: I don’t have a baby in my ass, Chuck. I mean, behind. I ate clam strips yesterday. I should be saying no to things like that.

Chuck: You have a right to indulge in things that make you feel good. Like food and walks.

Me: Walks? Walks? You think I need to exercise?

Chuck: [pulls pillow over head] I didn’t mean it like that.

Me: Then uncover your face!

Chuck: No!

I hate myself for what happened next: I cried. I actually shed tears over the ten (ish) extra pounds I've gained so far. I’m disgusted by myself. I’m not fat. I covered that in my damn Blubber post. I don’t even like hanging out with skinny people who think they’re fat.

People gain weight when they’re pregnant. Then, they lose it.

I don’t like all these cliched chick moments I’m experiencing. The emotional instability and hyper sensitivity are pissing me off. It’s like I walked onto the freaken set of Legally Blonde. What’s next? Tiaras and boas? Bedroom slippers with fluff balls and lilac-scented bubble bath?

It's because I’m having another boy, isn’t it? The Universe read my post about my pink leg lamps and it’s blasting me with a tsunami of sugar and spice.

Or because I’m having a girl.

Yep, my regular doctor told me on Friday that there’s no way in hell the Go-Go doctor could have known the gender at such an early stage.

I find out for sure this week. I don't know about you, but I have my money on the doctor that wasn’t dressed like someone employed to entertain crowds at a discotheque.


Whitney said...

Bless your heart. I hope, for your sake, that your new baby is a girl. :)

Jenni said...

Miles William was an ass baby. He's a super sweet kid, though.

SLColman said...

*fingers crossed* that the universe does bless you with a little girl :)

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

Read this. It is so funny. I immediately thought of it when you said, "I'm not carrying a baby in my butt!"


Keely said...

Were you this female-y and hormonal with Junior? Cause maybe that means the Go-go doctor WAS wrong.

Personally I'm horrified at the thought of raising a girl, but other people seem to like the idea.

Lindy said...

Maybe it's twins. Wouldn't that be awe-some?!

The Mother said...

Someone said twins? Girl and boy, best of all universes.

Except she'd be outnumbered two to one.

When we were expecting our fourth, hubby kept telling me it had better be a boy. With three older brothers, she'd never get a date.

Sara said...

The butt question will get you every time. Hope it is a girl. :)

Mama Badger said...

This is why I'm glad my two are so close in age. LG wasn't old enough to talk while I was pregnant with little o.

Besides, God put your face on the front and your a$$ on the back for a reason. Stop turning around, for God's sake!

Pricilla said...

Now that is just rude to tell you it's a boy when she didn't know for sure.

kel said...

Oh honey, I know the feeling!! I was so emotional when I was pregnant!

kyooty said...

Baby, you get to have a baby!! focus here...

Tarheel Rambler said...

Being of a grandfatherly age, I had forgotten what it was like to be the emotional support for a pregnant spouse. Thanks for helping me remember why I don't miss those days.

Tell your hubby I'll be sending good thoughts his way. ;0)

Nanc Twop said...

Remember tho...
Once you put on the spike-heel, fluffy slippers, then you must start dressing up pets.

Yours, or your neighbor's.


Lisa said...

I dunno...I've seen the ultrasound photos, looked like a little wee-wee to me. Then again what the eff do I know?

When you get weepy, just think of all the tequila shots we'll pound later.

Jen said...

When I was pregnant with my daughter, before we found out the gender, I had a dream about a pink puppy. I knew I was having a girl. I don't remember if I acted any nuttier with that pregnancy that I did with my son (they were ten years apart and my son had killed a lot of my brain cells) but I know I cried a lot, and my ass was huge.

Otter Thomas said...

Pregnancy is fun for the whole family. Hope the universe sides with you when you find out.

rachel... said...

Hey, I think I distinctly remember saying the EXACT SAME THING about that doctor being able to tell so early on! This is exciting!