Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Did you google rhinoceros penis just to see? Didja?

There’s a reason Junior’s meltdowns at preschool are bothering me more than usual. Yes, having your kid suction himself to your leg during drop-off isn’t pleasant, but you can recover from it. You should recover from it.

Instead I’ve been lying awake at night worrying. Why? Because in a matter of a month, life has gone bananas. Big, rhinoceros's penis-sized bananas!

First, my mother Linda put her house on the market. She’s lived in this particular house with my step-father for 25 years. It’s 45 minutes from Mulletville. It’s where Chuck and I got married, and where Junior has had all his birthday parties. Lots o' history.

She’s closing on Friday.

Second, my father put his house on the market. He’s lived in this particular house since 1979. It’s the house he and my mother bought when they got married. It's the house I grew up in; it’s also the house he got in the divorce (along with me). Barrels o' history.

My father is closing on Friday.

And finally, there’s me and Chuck. There’s a reason I asked if you’d want to know the true identity of Mulletville. It’s because—duh—we are getting the hell out of here. I’m still in shock; I didn’t think this day would ever come. I thought I’d be 85 and that I’d still be blogging about Mulletville—that somehow I was fated to spend a lifetime here paying penance for a sin I’d committed in another life.

And I’m not even Catholic.

Where are we going? That’s where things get interesting. Over the next two months we’re moving...

...into my father’s house.

Even though I’ve called his town Mulletville Lite, the ratio of mullets to people is 1:5,000 instead of 1:1. It was named one of the best towns in Connecticut in which to live. We get to raise our kids in a town that doesn't have belligerent drunks loitering in front of the library. I can stop worrying about the street-talkers and the nuns. The Park and Rec Department knows how to spell.

The interesting part of this is that my mother is moving into a smaller house and is giving me a lot of her furniture. Furniture that would have a lot less mileage had it stayed where it was 30 years ago and not moved into a new house with my step-father.

Father’s walls: “You again? Didn’t you leave here? What the fuck are you doing here?”

Mother’s dining room hutch: “Hell if I know. Jesus, are you still beige?”

Chuck and I will probably host Thanksgiving and Christmas since I'll be barge-size with Kid #2 by then, which means my darling parents will again be reunited in the house that holds so many delightful memories.

At least everyone will know where we keep the extra forks. And hand towels. And bottle openers.

God, I need a drink.

But look, after I recovered from envisioning all the bizarre and surreal ramifications of what Chuck and I are about to do, I was struck by something. This move is a gift, in a million different ways. Chuck and I have a chance to make whole a house that has, for many years, symbolized a lot of pain, sorrow and emptiness. I have the chance to metaphorically repaint. (As soon as I throw a dropcloth over my mother's dining room hutch.)

Greener pastures await!

I just hope Junior sees it that way. In the next few months he's experiencing a new preschool, a new house for his grandmother, grandfather and himself, and a new sibling. Is it any wonder he’s having issues with object permanence (fine, I have the Early Childhood Education Director on speed dial) or that he wants to stay home and cling to things that are comfortable and familiar before they, um, get up and cohabitate with Granny’s stuff in Grandpa’s house?

I told you it was rhinoceros's penis-sized bananas.


Sparkling said...

The whole scenario is movie-worthy! I love the furniture dialog. I live in the house I grew up in. In the kitchen, almost everything is where it always has been(we all know where the forks are) but the rest of the house is quite different. I gives me a total sense of peace living here. My mother grew up here too. Good for you!!!

Dto3 said...

Wait - I've been gone too long - is there a tadpole? Congrats!

Stacie said...

Congratulations on moving. That house is gorgeous. I hope you and your family will be happy!

Anonymous said...

Congrats for getting out of Mulletville and moving back home!

Anonymous said...

All I can say is that you are a very brave woman!

Jenni said...

Damn, woman, that's quite a wild ride you're on. Talk about ch-ch-ch-changes.

Angel said...

Wow this is right outta a Lifetime movie or soap opera!! I plan on staying tune!!

Julia said...

That's quite a big bomb to walk through just about now. I wish you the most luck and ease in transition to the newold house. Congrats!

Mama Badger said...

It's a whole hell of a lot of krappe in the short term, but keep your eye on the prize. By this time next year, you'll be happily living in your childhood home, and making happy memories there for jr and newbie.

Sara said...

Lots of changes! Congrats on the new old house. Mulletville-lite sounds quaint. :D

♥Georgie♥ said...

wow just wow....I think it is all very exciting to be moving into your fathers home.... and your Mothers home is beautiful!!!!

Brandy@YDK said...

congrats on the new house. does that mean same job or new job?

Lindy said...

I think this is awesome. If I could afford to buy my grandparents house, I would do it in a heartbeat.


SmartBear said...

Wow! That's a lot of new stuff to handle. Hope it all goes well. And congrats on the pregnancy!

Jeanne said...

My daughter used to have a doorknob hanger on the door to her room. On one side it said, "Go Away. I'm Sleeping." On the other, it read, "We're Off On an Adventure!"

Congrats on the new adventure!

Leanne said...

Holy flip. You're truely CRAZY. And I can't wait to read all about it. Good luck!

SLColman said...

That whole scenario is quite a lot for little Junior and you to take in!! I think that it will be great once it is all said and done!

Pricilla said...

Junior will find himself so excited by the move that he will soon forget.

I'm glad you get to have a mullet free vista.

Magpie said...

Enjoy your move!

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