Frogs on Facebook

www.facebook.com/FIMFormula

ABOUT ME

About me: I'm 42 and added another gherkin to our pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our 9-year-old Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Random Tuesday Thoughts: Nice try, lazy eye

randomtuesday

My company's purchasing department hired Jim two weeks ago and he’s already been spoken to about inappropriate ogling. Since he’s not a construction worker, the three second rule doesn’t apply. From what I’ve overheard, he blames his wandering eye on the fact that it’s a lazy eye.

I find it hard to believe that a lazy eye would consistently be lazy in the same direction. From what I’ve seen of lazy eyes, they tend to shoot around or veer outward. Not breastward.

Junior has developed a sudden fascination with breasts. In the morning, when he sees me getting dressed for work he yells, “Are those your bellies? Can I TOUCH them, Mommy? Please? Can I SEE them?” Chuck has taken to correcting him. “Those are boobs, son.”

This all goes down while they’re lying in bed watching Curious George. “Are those your boobs? Can I TOUCH them? Can I SEE them? Can I TOUCH them?” (That’s Junior, not Chuck—most days anyway.) I feel like a lactating bush woman on the National Geographic channel.

According to the Journal for Sex Research, the average breast size in the U.S. is 35.9 inches, roughly equivalent to a 34B bra, which is the average bra size in America. The average bra size in Mulletville is 42QQ. It's all the Aqua Net in the water.

If a woman with breast implants dies, is she buried with her implants in place?

How to tell if you're an ogler really should be a college course. I nominate myself to teach it. First lesson, "Tactical moves = powerful clues":

#1: The Thinker (as in, I'm pretending to hold my chin in pensive thought but really I'd like you to stop staring at my rack)



#2: The Prayer (as in, for the love of God, stop staring at my hooters)



#3: The Book Block (paper, purses or office plants may also be used)



#4: The Barricade (the most obvious yet often most overlooked maneuver)



For more about headlight etiquette, head over to the Un Mom.

34 comments:

Laufa said...

LOL, you should so e-mail this to the Ogler. 42QQ, Wow, the chiropractor is making a ton of money in your town.

Lindy said...

That'll be great when Junior's at the store and points out all the other "boobs." So nice of Chuck to correct him! :)

Christine Gram said...

Too funny. I keep wondering when my children will stop being so fascinated by my breasts. Hopefully before puberty.

mo.stoneskin said...

Nice cardigan.

The Mother said...

Or you can try being flat chested.

I only had boobs when I was nursing. Maybe that's why I had four?

Everyday Goddess said...

From cradle to grave those guys are just boob crazed.

Nicely randomed!

Everyday Goddess said...

I mean all guys, not just yours.

Brandy said...

I saw on 6 feet under - they took out the implants and replaced them with cans of cat food.

Katherine said...

Oh, my. I am certainly not looking forward the the "curious" stage!

Julia said...

I'm all about the barricade with a serious bitch look added on the side.

Yer boy is going to be a boob man too. There are more doomed women out there... :)

Michele said...

Junior will stop talking about breasts all the time but chances are he won't get over his fascination with them. If we go by my husband and sons.

blognut said...

OMG! I have a customer who inevitably forces me to go through that entire series of tactical moves! He's such a slimeball!

Sara said...

Love the lesson! Pretty sure they (men/boys) never lose their fascination with boobs.

♥ Kathy said...

42QQ? wow...I might ogle those just because of the shock LOL

I am Harriet said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
I am Harriet said...

Too funny. Love the pics!

Have a great RTT!
http://harrietandfriends.com/2010/02/learn-how-to-slice-your-kids-hot-dogs-boomers-who-still-smoke-the-stuff-pit-bulls-and-little-people-all-have-what-in-common/

Jenni said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jenni said...

You have to be careful with the barricade though, because if done incorrectly it can cause excess cleavage and actually increase ogling.

Keely said...

X has that same fascination. His is a little more violent, though. He likes to punch me in the funbags.

Melanie said...

hahahaha!! That is so funny! I use the thinker all the time.

Pricilla said...

The publicist never had ooglable boobs and now they have sagged so far as to be totally unnoticeable.

As for me? You should get a lot of my udder!

kyooty said...

heehhee I was in college some guy was talking to my boobs one day, I asked him if he took the communciations first year course? He said "yeah" I said "did you fail? cause my boobs wont talk back" :P

The Crazy Coxes said...

Looks like you have developed some nice skills to use against Junior, Jim and Chuck...if necessary. I love it!
Great Random!

Shelly said...

The prayer, hehe, too funny.

My son used to try and cop a feel. He's, fortunately, over that.

Happy RTT~

CaJoh said...

Stopping by from the Un Mom…

"If a woman with breast implants dies, is she buried with her implants in place? "

If they are removed, it makes me wonder if there are ads out there on Amazon: "Implants for sale— slightly used"

Thank you for your randomness,

Julie from Momspective said...

See, that's where we differ. Of course, I don't wear my boob shirts until I go out (rarely) and that's for the free drinks.

By MelCole of PA said...

Hi there! I always admire your humor and writings in your blog. BTW, I got an award for you and hope you'll grab it. Here's the link: http://melcoleofpausa.blogspot.com/2010/02/i-got-happy-101-award.html

God bless to your family!

Frogs in my formula said...

Agh to Mo.Stoneskin!

SLColman said...

Boob talk makes the world go round!

steenky bee said...

Like I said in a post of mine cleavage wins every time. I use the arms cross method to block any views too. My family doesn't know if I'm hiding or I'm mad. I just let them sit and wonder.

Leanne said...

How about just taking the book and smacking the ogler on the forehead with it? Just sayin'.

Grand Pooba said...

Hahahaha! But wait. Why would you want to hide your hooters? I don't get it.

Buggys said...

Creepy men!

Otter Thomas said...

Random thoughts about Boobs! This must be Christmas.