Friday, February 12, 2010

Sticks of butter should not have teeth prints

Do you see this? It's my butter dish.



Our mother *#$^&ing mangy, fat cats have taken midnight kitchen thievery to a new level. No longer content to just snack on forgotten pasta or loaves of bread they drag down from the kitchen table in the middle of the night, the filthy bastards actually climbed the dishtowel



knocked the lid off the butter dish and ate almost an entire stick of butter.



I'm taking suggestions on what to do next. Things I'm willing to entertain include:

1. murder

2. opening the front door and pushing them out into the street

3. slathering them in bacon grease and inviting a Pit Bull over

4. murder

I'm also willing to ship them to anyone who wants them. And I mean anyone. I'm thinking a 50-pound postal carrier should do it. Added bonus: The puffy one picks up all kinds of dust and lint as he walks. Cuts vacuuming time in half.



He even does tricks



Just shoot me an email. You've got until midnight tonight. Then the fluff ball gets it.

35 comments:

Small Town Mommy said...

I love the fluff ball but if I brought another cat into the house, my husband would throw me out (notice I didn't say he would leave, that I might entertain). Too bad, we could even meet halfway. An added benefit is that the butter may cause stomach upset. Cats love dairy but dairy doesn't always love cats.

slow panic said...

i've got a beagle that would love to spend time with fluffy.....

OLLIE MCKAY'S ~ A Chic Boutique said...

OMG ~ This is so hilarious!! We caught our cat trying to jump up on the kitchen counter when I had cookies up there just out of the oven - and here we thought she NEVER had been up there before. . . UH. . . wrong!!

Brandy said...

omg -that is a fat cat. he needed that butter to stay ummm fit?

Keely said...

That's actually pretty impressive, for a cat of that girth. A whole stick of butter though? That's...not going to come out well.

steenky bee said...

Oh dear. I too, have a kitty that licks butter. I wonder if she knows just how those extra calories are going to look on those hips of hers. If she keeps it up, we'll never get her married off.

As an aside...I love it over here!

As another aside...whenever I see dishtowels that aren't hanging perfectly straight, I think of Julia Roberts in Sleeping with the Enemy and her creepy, creepy husband.

Lindy said...

If that is THAT big, I wonder what his crap will look like AFTER a stick of butter.

Good luck with that.

Mrs. C. said...

Looking at that picture of your cat makes me feel pretty skinny. Think I'll go eat a cake.

The Mother said...

So I guess the time I found my dog chowing through a twenty pound bag of potatoes is not even close, huh?

rachel... said...

I'll trade you for a bulemic cat who binges on ribbons and plants. I keep my butter in the fridge.

Magpie said...

Wow. Determined. Our cats would lick the butter, but never ate a whole stick that was in a container with a LID.

Mrsbear said...

Really, can you blame him? I have to keep the butter sticks under lock and key, otherwise the kids would be at them like...I dunno, fat cats, I guess.

Grand Pooba said...

Oh my gosh I'll take him!!!

beyondpanicsometimes said...

Get him a job at Sea World. With talent like that, he can always sub for one of the whales if they're sick or they wanst to take a vacation day!

Cris Goode said...

Perhaps your kitties watch Paula Deen when you aren't looking?

Come to think of it, maybe you could ship them to her...

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Good God, that's one big ball of fur you got there. He must have been doing some midnight self-medicating for a hairball or something, is what I'm thinking.

Jen said...

That is a big cat! I'd take him but my kids just talked me into a kitten. Sorry. Put some tabasco sauce on the butter and leave the top off of it.

Emily said...

Be grateful - if that were my cat, this story would end with a $500 vet bill to combat the pancreatitis that would certainly come after eating so much FAT. Actually, this story would probably end with me saying "we had to put him down, we couldn't afford the vet bills..."

Nanc Twop said...

Come to think of it, I need a new coat...

Dana said...

I don't know, that is one big cat....humm is he good with catching mice? On second thought, he would probably eat my dog which is quite a bit smaller than him. He would be a good lap warmer though.

FranticMommy said...

WOW...no offense but that is one FAT CAT. Brings new meaning to the word "butter ball"!
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Buggys said...

My stomach is queasy just thinking about a whole stick of butter!

Jenni said...

That is a fluffy cat. Would make good slippers.

blognut said...

My favorite way to handle cats is to leave the oven door open and trick them into hopping into it.

What? Don't judge.

SLColman said...

Oh boy.. I would be throwing that cat out the door at least until all that butter cleared out of its system.... EWWW!

Kathy said...

I have a cat who does almost the same thing, but he limits his butter licking to the edge of the butter dish, which we find terribly gross. We're too lazy to put the butter away every night. Um. I think murder is in order.

Buggys said...

I would go with number 1, or 2, or, again, 4. Number 3? Never, that would be cruel!

Cyndi @ 6 Ring Circus said...

I stumbled across your blog via Top Mommy Bloggers and I'm so glad I did because it's cracking my ass up. I think we have a similar (weird, warped) sense of humor. Check out my blog at http://our6ringcircus.blogspot.com if you get a chance.

kyooty said...

I remember when our cat ate a dish of lasagna, she was about 6months old, I think she thought she was Garfield?

Catootes said...

That is one BIG cat! In all honesty, some days I would prefer the cat that secretly binges on butter than the dog that blatantly eats her own crap. And then tries to lick my face.Fucktard mutt.

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

Um, I'm probably the only dork to mention this, but why is your butter out on the counter? It's made from milk, ya know. Like, it will spoil. So, maybe, letting the cat eat it wouldn't be such a bad thing...

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I'll take Mr. Puffy, but I have MAJOR allergies to cats...how quickly does his fur grow back?

Kelly said...

OMG, that is the biggest cat i have ever seen!!!

Dto3 said...

Why is it that we Texans are so smart? Like Texan Mama, the first thing I thought was - put the damn butter in the fridge for cryin' out loud!

Marinka said...

Poor Fluffball.
Hey, remember when your cat had a cast? that was really fun.

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