You know, I’m pretty amazing for having the self-confidence to admit that my own husband turned me down. Not every woman can hear “no thanks” without being reduced to tears. Never mind the heckling from the stuffed lamb.
I rock (just apparently not the bed).
As I suspected, there was more to Chuck’s abstinence than mere fatigue and a desire to wash dishes. After a weekend of barraging him with “You think I’m fat!” and “Admit it! You’re boffing the bonbon again!” he came clean.
Turns out Chuck is scared. Why? Because I recently had a barbaric, tortuous device known as an IUD extracted from my innards.
In case you didn’t know, IUD stands for I Understand Dying...Pain. I’m sure there are hundreds of you with IUDs who don’t have the faintest idea of what I’m talking about. If the ParaGard or Mirena people asked you to be their spokesperson you’d jump at the chance. Me? Never!
For one year that damn thing has caused me stabbing, crippling pain—pain that ran down my legs and up my sides. Seriously, it brought tears to my eyes. The doctor assured me the IUD was in the right place. Again. And again. I paid copay after copay, just to hear “Everything looks good, Mrs. Mullet. Great to see your hooch again.”
Two weeks ago, I couldn’t take it anymore: I got the damn thing out.
It was a beautiful feeling. (I actually asked the doctor if I could take it home and set it on fire, but apparently they sterilize them and reuse them. I’m kidding. So kidding! They sell them to summer camps for crafts projects.)
Before I left, the doctor asked me what I was planning to use for birth control.
“I’m going to cough really hard after sex,” I said.
She looked me in the eye and said, “You realize that after you leave this office, you could get pregnant at any time. Any time.” She gave me a second to digest the weight of her words, but all I could picture was a giant penis walking down the street and accosting me at my car. Bam! Prego in the doctor’s parking lot. I felt as fertile as a dewy daisy…
Then, the smackdown.
“Of course, you’re 35 now,” she said. “You’re in a different category.”
“What category is that?”
“The mature category.”
“But I’m not mature. I was just picturing a cartoon penis impregnating me on the hood of my car.”
“Sorry sister, your eggs are pickled from booze and crusty with age.”
“So I’m fertile, but I’d probably birth a geriatric gherkin?
“Exactly.”
You see, Chuck? There’s nothing to be scared of. An old pickle won’t keep us up all night or cry for no reason. An old pickle won’t cost us $200,000 to send to college. We'll be the happiest family ever. In fact, if the pickle comes out ok, we could even try for a Pepperoncini.
I know, I know, I'm pushing it.
28 comments:
Hey I know and understand that "reason" well. Along with the one that somehow relates to my health in general.
I guess there is some form of BC in your future again?
I had one of those and while I had no problems with them I became unhinged for about three days out of the month. I had my tubes tied and they pulled it out while I was under. Don't know what they did with it. I was more fertile after 35 than I was all the years before that. I even got pregnant while on the pill. Don't believe a word that doc says. It might not be a dill, it could be a gherkin.
Speaking of Dill, when I saw your title all I could think of was the little boy with short pants, impressive overbite and really just a young Capote from To Kill A Mockingbird.
Uh, tell Chuck that you have suffered it's his turn to take care of the birth control for a while. Tell him to wear a condom if he's that scared.
Tell him to get the snip. Best thing Hotty Hubby ever did for our sex life. Giddyup!
If you aren't wanting any more kids consider Essure. It is an implant that permanently blocks your fallopian tubes. It is like getting your tubes tied but without surgery.
"I'm going to cough really hard after sex."
Laughing all the way to work....
I don't recommend the coughing technique. This produced an offspring over at my house. Maybe I did it wrong, just saying....
Doctor's seem completely baffled when they find out you aren't using anything for birth control - gasp - it's like we're supposed to be spaded and neutered.
It's not exactly bright of a dr to tell you that you will get pregnant the second your IUD is out. You have to wonder where they got their degree?
Ah, the irony of getting old is that your wrinkly eggs have to contend with his vigorous, young, active sperm.
Men age more slowly EVERYWHERE.
So double-up. :) There are many ways to avoid pregnancy. Ya'll haven't reached this ripe ol age and not know a few tricks. :D BC sucks.
Love the picture!
I LOVE my IUD! LOVE IT!!!
'Cause I'm a total horndog and am not mature or responsible enough to handle other forms of birth control. Heh.
My first pregnancy came using TWO forms of birth control... My husband has SUPER SPERM! Even the doctor couldn't believe it. Then, we couldn't get for 3 years 5 years ago and the dr. said that my eggs and hormones were at LEAST 10 years older than my real age. After trying (and giving up on) fertility treatments, we got pregnant naturally 2 months later. Goes to show that it's when God wants... Now, the words of the fertility doctor are haunting me, since I am going through full menopause at age 36. I begged my OBGYN for a partial hysterectomy and my husband is now allowed back in the house and breathe.
I know a guy who asked for his wife's IUD after her hysterectomy. He set it in clear lucite and made a paperweight for the doctor. His wife thought it was pretty funny...until she found out it was hers!
birth control generally messes with either my head or body or both...so we're kind of gambling lately. So far so good...but I'm 38 so I'm thinking the odds keep going down every year, anyway ;)
Ah yes, the "mature" category. I fall into that one too.
Does that mean there will be no Junior Junior?
Shit, I haven't even started yet and I'm already cracking up the mature category.
Well, I do like pickles.
Ahh, the mature category. If only some one had met us before they started calling it that. Then they'd have just called it the "too freaking old to be up all night with an infant" category.
Why is it that dr's assume when you've gone off medical bc you will simply fly blind? As though no one has ever used a condom before? Tell Chuck to find his inner teenager and head over to the drug store.
You crack me up!
I thought my doc was the only one who said "great to see your hooch again." LOL!
So what, the coughing thing isn't 100% effective?
"I'm going to cough really hard after sex," is the best line I've read in a long time! I literally laughed out loud! Good luck with the not getting prego...
Now I'm scared about IUDs... thanks!
O.M.G. You slay me!! But yeah...I totally give you a high five for being brave enough for an IUD.
Okay, are you TRYING to make me pee on the office chair? I just got this thing for Christmas.
That is too funny. And, I've had TWO "mature" pregnancies and they were just dandy. C'mon you can do it. You need more stretch marks, don't you?
I can't believe you are just letting jesus take the wheel in the birth control area. get protection - stat!
it must be the month to blog about birth control.
omg, this post is hysterical...
i am glad you have the IUD out and hopefully you'll feel much better...get some female condoms or somethin.
Good thing you're feeling better!! As long as you plan things (you know, instead of just going at it whenever) then you should be just fine with the whole avoiding another babe thing. Then again...what is adding one more frog to the mix?!
~WM
shut the fuck up with this post - HILARIOUS. I laughed out loud at the IUD craft projects and I'm still laughing about the giant penis.
So my mom works in an Ob/GYN office and she wears an IUD on her lapel of her leather coat. I'm now going to have to ask if it's used and promptly sanitize my body where we've hugged pending her response.
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