Friday, February 19, 2010

I've got a suggestion for you: Kiss my grits

I'm happy this week is over. It was the week of office suggestions, thanks to a few peckerheads who got their panties in a bunch over life’s minutiae. Seriously, folks, if you’re nit-picking the small stuff, do everyone a favor and get yourself a hobby. I don’t care if it’s putting your prize boogers in shadow boxes and labeling them with glitter pens. Just do something.

Ahem.

Monday’s suggestion: Anyone caught using an old planner will be tasered.

See this planner?



It’s the planner issued by the company. Everyone has one. It’s different from last year’s in that last year’s planner started on a Sunday. This year’s starts on a Monday. You’d think a minor detail like that wouldn’t be enough to derail a company but alas, it is.

Since January, everyone’s been playing the "I'm a day off" card. People are missing meetings left and right, and they're blaming it on the planner. So on Monday, it was suggested that we cease and desist from using the old one. New planners are being ordered; we get one when we turn in the old one, which will be recycled. They’ll be given out by name (i.e., you better get your ass to Purchasing and get your life back on track).

Sigh. It was such a lovely excuse while it lasted. I highly recommend it.

Tuesday’s suggestion: No one should be exposed to HPV against his or her will.
One of my marketing co-workers, Linda, was aghast to find a sticky note stuck to her computer. Not because of the message, but because the sticky note was a GARDASIL sticky note (GARDASIL is a vaccine for human papillomavirus, or HPV).

See, Roberta from Accounting is married to a pharmacist and she’s been unloading all his pharmaceutical freebies at work (where's the good stuff?). They finally made their way down to my department. Linda went to the Corporate Head and complained. She shouldn’t have to be exposed to words like papillomavirus. She doesn’t work at Planned Parenthood.

Voila, no more distributing drug paraphernalia at work.



I’m pretty pissed. I love my Abilify and Lexapro pens. They’re the real deal: heavy metal, impressive ink quality, aerodynamics and stuff. Sniffle, sniffle.

Thursday’s suggestion: What are you doing on Facebook at 9:15 a.m. anyway?

You know Facebook has taken over the world when your company needs to have a Facebook policy—about status updates. This is what happened: Co-worker Sue friended a bunch of younger male staffers, then was horrified to see some of their status updates (I know this because I’m “friends” with them too).

The statuses ranged from "Even though your face is huge, bus stop girl, I love the shit out of you girl. Crotchduster" to “Sick of people’s shit eatin grins (probably asshole eating grins) makes me want to punch them in the face.....especially their little golfing fairy status updates!”

Are they eloquent updates? No. Are they glimpses into the homophobic, drunken, shallow lives of 21-year-old boys? Yes. And what does Sue expect? It's Facebook.

I’m happy to report that in this case, the suggestion was for Sue—and others like Sue—to get over it. Sometimes reason can prevail...over herpes.

That should so be a bumper sticker.

21 comments:

Lindy said...

Boogers should always be displayed with embellishments by the bedazzler. NOT glitter pens - those are sooooo last year.

Brandy said...

i love the awesome drug stuff. what a bitch for taking that away

Mary said...

I accidentally bought a calendar that started on Monday once. I was out of sorts for weeks until I got fed up with having to scratch through all my appointments and rewrite them so I burned the moth - I mean lovely item.

Whose brilliant idea was "suggestion week" anyway? Today you should suggest that that guy be shot. Or fired. Or at least not allowed to make anymore suggestions.

marybt.wordpress.com

The Mother said...

It seems that some people just don't have a real life, so they have to complain about something. I like drug company pens. You really can't catch anything from them. Promise.

Shana said...

Oh man those medicine pens are the best. that sucks that you can't get them anymore.

Buggys said...

Suggestion week? Are you crazy? People, in an office, are idiots! As we now know from reading said suggestions. Of course, they did make for an entertaining blog read. Eh, good for something.

Mrs. C. said...

We love the swag here at the House that Drugs Built. One of my favorite pens was for an I.V. narcotic and it looked like a big syringe...

"Buy Drugs and Send My Kids To College!"

Mama Badger said...

Hee hee hee. Uhm, if you don't like their status updates, unfriend them, moronic co-worker. Easily done.

As for the free post its? My company would gladly tell someone to "eat it" for free office supplies.

Love to see you channeling your inner "Flo".

tootertotz said...

Clearly, the most important suggestion seems to have been overlooked...all employees and mgmt ought to be settled into a conference room with lunch brought in and a DVD of Office Space played for all.

And someone needs to mention to 'Ms. HPV Sensitivity' that just b/c she suffers from said virus is no reason to ruin the fun for everyone. She's a real buzz kill, that one.

Jeanne said...

For a clinic, we receive amazingly little swag from the drug companies. I guess the $7K I send them every month isn't enough to draw their interest....

Question: how do you get your posts onto Facebook? Manually, one-at-a-time, or have you figured out how to link them?

Pricilla said...

Man, free pens and post its are the best. How could she complain.

Or is she hiding a shameful secret?!

Mrsbear said...

You almost make me miss my corporate office job. The camaraderie that naturally evolves from being surrounded by morons.

Keely said...

*orders a new day planner*

Grand Pooba said...

Um, where in the world do you work? Wait, let me rephrase that, what company do you work for? Someone needs to spike the watercooler or something. Calm down people!

I want that pen.

Kelly L said...

Very funny! My mom works for a doctor and is forever trying to dump her freebies on us..lol

Kelly

Small Town Mommy said...

I love freebies. I used to work at a medical center and my favorite was a Viagra pen. It actually had a place in the back to hide your Viagra (because you never know when you will be writing and suddenly want your Viagra.
As far as Facebook is concerned, if you don't like what someone says, unfriend them (and then get over yourself).

Sara said...

Wow! Your work rocks! Bummer about the freebies. Our work has blocked FB, can't figure that one out. :S :D

Magpie said...

I can't imagine - our office is so laid back that no one complains about anything. Everyone is on facebook, like all the time, we use whatever pens happen to be around, and we have like no meetings. Or office supplies to be signed for. It's fascinating to read your post, because it's like visiting a foreign country or something.

judemiller1 said...

I love medicine pens--I've had one and been using it for 5 years and it hasn't run out of ink yet!!

SLColman said...

They are taking away the promise of more drug pens??? The cruelty of that :(

Laufa said...

Two months of planner excuses, on the ball on that one.
Why do the pens with the worst writing always are the best?
My company blockeded FB all together. So we cannot even be-friend each other unless we are on our own time. Good thing they haven't blocked Google/Blogger yet.

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