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ABOUT ME

About me: I'm a 40-something mother to a pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our tween Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler Cam, and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). I'm a freelance graphic designer and writer.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

It's just one of those weeks. All I want to do is stick it to people

While I was out sick my co-workers were busy developing presentations, as per the Marketing Head's command. The task? Decide what theme and graphic represent you and the mission of the company for 2010.

My presentation is on January 20. As miserable as this is, I’d still choose it over puking and being puked on. In fact, that’s going to be my new barometer for 2010: Would I rather be puked on?

I spent a lot of the morning ruminating but I was having trouble shatting out a work motto. Should I go for something that's full-on kiss-ass corny? Or should I just copy something from someone else? I decided to copy. Co-worker Bill was up first. I’d let him set the bar. So I sat down at our first "theme" meeting this morning with my pen, paper, corporate zeal and waited.

Oh. My.

Bill’s theme was “pushing through” and he chose this as his graphic element:



And this:



and this:



In total, there were 22 Powerpoint slides of enormous, phallic submarines. Oh, Bill.

Bill’s presentation and choice of action verbs (“thrust forward”, “penetrate” and—my personal favorite—“straddle,” as in “we must straddle missions to reduce workloads”) elicited snickers, guffaws and...

...RAGE.

I think I’ve mentioned that I work mostly with women? They were not amused by Bill’s presentation. George (aka Orgy George) elected himself Official Calmer Downer but his suggestion that one woman shut her “pie hole” didn’t go over so well.

I have to admit, I wasn’t offended by the submarines. I honestly don’t think Bill understood what the problem was. And I didn’t see anywhere in the employee handbook that stated “Though shall not pair submarine graphics with verbs ripe with sexual innuendo.” It wasn't there—I checked.

After giving the matter a lot of thought, I’ve decided that I am going to copy Bill after all. His presentation did hold my attention and generate discussion, which is what the Marketing Head wanted. So I’ve chosen “Open for business” as my theme. My graphic is this:



Because marketing is a team effort. Because submarines need flowers.

Because this is what they asked of me.


Are you having that kind of week, too? Is it some kind of celestial event? Or maybe I'm just feeling better...

22 comments:

Catootes said...

Oh, Can I come to your presentation? Please oh please oh please?? Seriously.
You can use words like shimmer, and glide, and "..if we hit just the right spot" or "...all it takes is just a little stroking for success"

Frogs in my formula said...

You're brilliant! I love it.

VandyJ said...

Please say there are not lots of presentations between your presentation and Bill's. That image just works to well after his submarines.

Dto3 said...

That is one beautiful stamen!

Mad Woman said...

Ohhh Please please please do what Catootes said?!?! And can we all come watch?

Pricilla said...

Wow, maybe Abby could butt in....

Joanie said...

I want to be there too! just too good - you made my day.

Mrsbear said...

I really wasn't expecting full on vaginal bloom when I stopped by this morning, but truly, you're a genius.

Do it!

Lindy said...

Circa Grease 2: "Where does the pollen go?"

Casy Schweickart said...

That is hilarious...people take things way too seriously some times. I love your theme. ;0)

marybt said...

Snort.

In my business, we have screws and vibrators. lol.

Small Town Mommy said...

Poor Bill! I have to admit, I would have sat there and laughed throughout the presentation. If he had meant it, it would have been even funnier. Do you think your coworkers will be offended by yours too? Or is it ok if it is female imagery? That seems like a lot of time that could be better spent getting work done.

Sara said...

Wow! I like work that encourages creativity! Poor Bill!

"Put our heads together and start humping out some ideas."

Have fun!!!

Ms. Salti said...

Oh my God, that is going to be awesome! You should record it and post it on here. I can't wait to hear all about it!

Brandy said...

lol -thank you so much for letting us into your workplace!

Keely said...

Bwahhahhahah! Oh, my. That is HILARIOUS. I'd have a field day with that one.

Also, I'll echo Small Town Mommy - um, don't you guys have stuff to DO? ;)

Working Mommy said...

Um...yes...I would KILL to be a fly on the wall during your presentation!! I can't wait to hear about it - hopefully you'll write a "flowery" post about it!!

~WM

The Mother said...

I can see the descending integrity of the conversation from here...

Otter Thomas said...

Laughing too hard to comment.

Frogs in my formula said...

I'm tickled that everyone is so supportive of my project. My non-work related project that eats up time that I could be spending on actual work...

Kim Hosey said...

You are a genius. Love it.

P.S. I'm new to you blog, but I'll definitely be back!

Jeanne said...

I'm expecting a blow-by-blow of the presentation on the 21st!