Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Random Tuesday Thoughts: Wearing my child

randomtuesday

Before this week, I’d thought co-sleeping sounded kind of quaint. (I said co-sleeping, not co-puking.) But after having a sick Junior in our bed for the last three nights, all I have to say is this: never, ever again. Junior wanted to sleep on me—on my neck!—like a human scarf. And Chuck put up some kind of heat force field with his body hair that repelled me and Junior to the far corners of the bed. Add two obese cats and about 30 stray socks that have pooled at the bottom of the bed and you’ve got yourself a sit-com.

A really awful sit-com that could probably be used to torture people.

Junior threw up on me seven times over the last four days. Just once on my birthday. I thought that was awfully nice of him.

When we took Junior to his doctor, the doctor put his hand to my forehead and said, “You don’t look good, Mrs. Mullet.” Then he listened to my lungs, looked in my ears and prescribed me an antibiotic. He even gave me a lollipop. If he didn’t wear pilled gym socks and smell like oatmeal, I’d probably have a crush on him.

I haven't been to work since last Thursday. I am going to have serious re-entry issues.

I found out Chuck had planned a surprise 35th birthday party for me on Sunday night. Seeing how I was puked on instead, I’m going to try not to think about that.

I manhandled the Christmas tree as I dismantled it. I don't want to talk about it.

Toddlers emit a low wail right before they upchuck. It reminds me of an animal’s mating call. I’m no zoologist, so I couldn’t tell you what animal, per se, but I do know that if I hear it once more—and if any more snow falls—life is going to play out like a scene from the Shining.

My father stopped by this morning with a birthday bouquet. After listening to Junior wail “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommeeeeeeee” for 10 minutes, he said he had to get going. As he stood at the door he said, “You’d better be careful. You’re going to have to have that kid surgically removed from your side if he gets any more attached.”

See now, if he watched my sit-com, he’d know it’s my neck. It’s my neck, Dad. My kid’s stuck to my neck.

The Un-Mom wants to hear all your Random Thoughts. She told Mrs. Bear so.

34 comments:

Mama the Chef said...

oh you poor thing! Ugh, and I hear you on the freakin' snow

The Crazy Coxes said...

Happy Birthday!
May you not get puked on any more!
You may want to re-enter the working world after all that throw up and neck attachment. You may actually welcome work. Crazy! I know!

Happy Tuesday!

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

I can't believe you missed your own surprise party. Did Chuck save you some cake?

jk

Grand Pooba said...

Well Happy Birthday! I was going to throw you a late birthday party but seeing how you associate that now to puking I'll do ya a favor and forget the whole thing.

Sara said...

Work will be a welcome relief after this past week? Hope the puking is done and you feel better soon.

My MIL let her son co-sleep until he was 13. He's 25 and still lives at home. There is something to that saying "Cut the umbilical cord". You have some time though. No worries.

Eternal Lizdom said...

Oh... is there anything more miserable than sick kids? It's heart breaking, annoying, frustrating, exhausting... and then to be sick on top of it all... you poor thing!

I think you need to just pick a new date for your birthday and try again!

Brandy said...

i'm sorry. and co-sleeping isnt quaint. it gets less and less quaint with each day they get bigger.

happy birthday anyway.

Mrsbear said...

Jeeeezus. We're sisters in puke, aren't we? Ugh. Couldn't it be something cooler, like blood brothers? I hate barf.

Also, I think it's convenient Junior makes that puke-alarm sound, my three year old is the silent type, he coughs once non-nonchalantly (ahem, just clearing my throat, lady) then coats me in a thick layer of vomit. It soaked down to my underwear. My. Underwear.

I think I need therapy after this last month.

Hope you're all on the upswing of sickness.

Jenni said...

there are an awful lot of puking toddlers on the internets these days. glad mine's not one of them.

oh, god. i just totally jinxed myself, didn't I?

Mama Badger said...

What was it with the holiday and the puke this year? Ewww.

I noticed that LG used to puke a lot of PB, and now o pukes on me. Do you think they have a preference?

And do you find that toddler puke is like velcro? It's just awful to try to rinse off.

Jenera said...

I have heard the 'I am going to puke' wail before. It's always worse in the night too, waking from a dead sleep to that.

SLColman said...

Oh no! Sorry to hear that you and Junior are still ill. I really hope that you feel better soon!

VandyJ said...

Turbo rang in the New Year with a celebratory puke. I think he had too much Apple juice all at once. Other wise we are well. Sorry to hear about your rivers of puke and I am hoping that they dry up soon.

Ms. Salti said...

Happy belated birthday... too bad you got puked on. That's never fun! You may have to keep a plastic surgeon on retainer to have your neck fixed!

Lindy said...

Wait. You just turned 35 and then you went to a pediatrician? :)

I really hope this situation remedies itself soon!

stepmumoftheyear said...

Happy Pukeday!

Pricilla said...

Hmmm, cats do the same thing before they hurl.

I hope it gets better. When are you having the next one?
heh heh heh heh

Jeanne said...

Entries for the 2010 Erma Bombeck Writing Competition opened Monday. You seriously should check this out, funny lady. (See my post from Monday, or just Google it.)

Susan said...

I'm so sorry about the sick barnacle baby.

Small Town Mommy said...

Co-sleeping is in no way quaint. I did it accidentally for 15 months with my youngest (she still wont sleep alone, but now she settles for the dog). It was very considerate of Junior to only throw up on you once on your birthday. I am so sorry that you missed the surprise party. Vomit is so not as good.

Frogs in my formula said...

Sick barnacle baby is awesome. I may have to have t-shirts made up.

Julie from Momspective said...

I have super booger baby. The doc'll say sinus inf and treat him and he'll be good for about 2 weeks until it comes back.

Happy Birthday!

blognut said...

Yeah, you have to get Junior back in his own bed right away or he'll be there until he's six. Trust me.

Hope everyone is feeling better soon!

Keely said...

Well, now, if he'd planned the party in March it would REALLY be a surprise, wouldn't it?

That sucks. But....by my count you're still 34, so that's something.

X doesn't do the low wail. When he spent 3 days as my human scarf, he would warn me with a small coughing fit first. Just long enough to NOT get him to a sink in time.

Julia said...

Lady, your life sucks right now. I know, I've been there too except with two kids alternating between screeching and sleeping for brief moments though out the night. (minus the puking though). Good times for all. :)

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Happy Belated Birthday! Sorry your gift from Junior was the gift of being a puking human scarf...ugh! So not fun. Hope you're feeling better soon, too - isn't it nice how they feel the need to share?

I'm with Keely - since you sort of inadvertently 'skipped' your birthday this year, you won't be 35 until next year. Seems only fair.

piecemeal people said...

How old, just out of curiosity, is Junior? Because as I'm reading this I'm kind of picturing an infant, but then I read the "ommy mommy mommy" part and that sort of switched the picture to "toddler" and a toddler sleeping/puking on your neck is TOTALLY different...!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

A pukefest instead of a surprise party really sucks. I hope you get to party after everyone is better!

Shelly said...

Oh no. Now I'm a fan of co-sleeping but that's not fun at all. When the kids are sick we do co-sleeping with a bucket, lol.

Sorry your birthday was a bust. Maybe next year?

mo.stoneskin said...

Sounds to me like you would be very wise to start wearing a waterproof onsie.

Buggys said...

Oh the pity! Life should not be this unfair. Is he going to postpone your great party?

The Mother said...

My children always wait until I'm sick as a dog to decide to start puking.

And then they do it on the only unwashable, expensive thing in the house.

Frogs in my formula said...

Junior is 2 1/2 so he's a 34-pound human scarf. OUCH.

Jen said...

I hope you feel better soon. My daughter has been in my bed with me for the last week since this cold spell started. Her room is just too cold and the space heater doesn't do much. Add the dog, the cat, all the animal hair in addition to the socks at the end of the bed and I'm almost right there with you. I've been lucky however no one has puked on my since October but my birthday is in a week or two and daughter seems to be running a low grade fever so anything could change. Your dad cracks me up.

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