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About me: I'm 42 and added another gherkin to our pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our 9-year-old Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Yes, God bless mothers

An elderly woman walked by my office today. She looked sweet and smushy, in that pilled sweater, grandma kind of way.

"Are you lost?" I asked her.

“Eating lunch at your desk?” she asked, looking at my salad.

I nodded yes.

“That’s nutritious,” she said. “But where’s your protein?”

“I have walnuts.”

“You shouldn’t eat at your desk.”

“Do I know you?” I asked.

“I’m Gary’s great aunt,” she said. She shook her head and walked away.

I was about to call co-worker Gary and ask him why I hadn't gotten the memo on "Bring your nosy, cranky ass relatives to work day" when Chuck called with some bad news. Junior’s ear infection isn’t responding to the antibiotics. The underwear-loving pediatrician wants to try a new one. If that doesn’t work, it’s ear tube time. I inhaled the rest of my salad and drove to the Mulletville CVS to pick up the prescription...

...only to be told CVS doesn’t carry that brand. But if I wanted to drive across town to Walgreens, I could get it there.

“Noooooooo!” I cried. “Anywhere but there!”

The CVS pharmacist shook her head sympathetically. The Mulletville Walgreens is a frightening place—perhaps the most dilapidated, blackest hole in town (besides the bar on Main Street that boasts live Jell-O wrestling contests). It kind of looks like this:

It’s the saddest collection of Mulletville residents you’ve ever seen. There are obese women with hairy chins, men with black eyes and brass knuckles, teenagers whose hair is so greasy and stringy that it hangs in clumpy strands. Sometimes children with rat tails spit at you. The last time I went there, I vowed never to return.

But Junior. I could not let overgrown or unwashed hair stand in the way of my child’s health. In I went. I patiently waited. And waited. And waited. Then I heard someone shouting “Hey, lady! Lady in the coat!”

I turned around to find a man holding two boxes of diapers. “Yes, you!" he cried. "Which one would be better for my kid?”

What the hell, right? First my nuts aren't good enough. Now I'm the Mulletville diaper expert?

I pointed to the Huggies. “Those?”

“Yes!" he shouted. “God bless mothers! God bless mothers!”

The Walgreens cashier beamed at me, like I'd saved the day. I looked around to see who else was basking in my diaper wisdom.

"You're next," someone said, nudging me forward.

"Don't have all day," came another voice.

I turned around again. Gary's great aunt. Thisclose.

"I got out for lunch after all," I said sweetly.

"Aren't we lucky," she said. "You're NEXT!"

Brrrrng brrrng. "Hi, Gary? It's Mrs. Mullet...something terrible happened to your great aunt. I was backing up in the Walgreens parking lot and felt a horrible thunk..."


Stacy @ BlueMonkeyButt said...

Okay, the guy buying diapers, was he also holding a twelve pack of beer? I'm betting he was. At least he wasn't asking you which tampons worked the best!

Delia said...

The guy buying diapers...I swear, that's my redneck hubby. He visited Mulletville today and I told him to stay away from Walgreens.

Mrsbear said...

If that old lady was stalking you, then you're perfectly within your rights to back over her with your sedan.

You might want to check the legality of the previous statement before you go committing vehicular homicide though.

God bless mothers indeed.

Leanne said...

Ooooh. I like the thunk idea, I know someone I'd really like to try that out on today too. Next time someone asks you about diapers? Show him the Depends.

blognut said...

OMG! I think Gary's great aunt was in my Walgreen's store today, too!

Will you come run her over, too?

Dto3 said...

I would have just gone with the ear tubes. Much easier on all.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

I would have chosen the Huggies, too. :)

And yes, I believe that running over Gary's Great Aunt would have been considered justifiable homicide - or would it fall under self defense?


Mad Woman said...

I think you need to avoid that old lady...sounds like she has it out for you now. No protein in your lunch and then holding up the line? What the hell were you thinking?

mo.stoneskin said...

Seriously? She turns up at work, then turns up at the pharmacist across town?

I think she is a figment of the spirit realm, an ageing ghost that has inexplicably attached itself to your consciousness and will now pop up as and when she pleases.

Frogs in my formula said...

Ear tubes and figments of the spirit realm? I can't take much more.

Lindy said...

Your Walgreens is across town from your CVS?

I thought it was standard operating procedure for those two establishments to be built across the street from each other.

At least that's how it is in our town.....

Brandy said...

oh no. i'm so sorry you have a crap walgreen's. i love the walgreen's. it's my best friend in store form.

Jen said...

Huggies are always the better choice. Your Walgreens sounds like our Walmart. A place I dread going to. I hope junior feels better soon. We finally went with tubes after about five rounds of antibiotics. I wish we had done it sooner.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

I sse an old lady restraining order in your!

Keely said...

Yes, god bless mothers, but not crabby old aunts. Who are probably not mothers. I bet.

Pricilla said...

I am sorry Junior is sick. My goddaughter had the worst time with ear infections and then poof! she grew out of them. I hope the same thing happens to Junior.

The Mother said...

Walgreens is why I love the mail order pharmacies.

Choleesa said...

That is funny. Mulletsville sounds like a good time, just passing through, very very quickly, with the doors locked.
My daughter ended up having to get tubes in her ears after lots and lots of ear infections. Hasnt had ONE since they put them in or since they fell out.

Mrs. C. said...

Had a man in the grocery store last summer comparison shopping for tampons and asking me for my opinion. First, I had to feel bad for the guy because our town IS a tourist town, so his vacation was pretty much in the dumper. But giving advice about tampons was just a little, well, eh...

And the pharmacy my husband sometimes works at looks a lot like your Walgreen's. A guy came to the counter yesterday with a roach in his hand he'd just stubbed out.

The Crazy Baby Mama said...


Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

my two ear old (I mean two year old) is also going thru the same thing. On another antibiotic and we have to gear up for the ENT in another week if it doesn't work out! Best of luck on your little one!

Otter Thomas said...

When you tell stories about Mulletville I feel we have so much in common. Our little town it part hillbilly, part vacation spot, and part retirement community. We have plenty of grumpy grandmas that I would love to hit with my car.