ABOUT ME

About me: My husband Chuck, our six-year-old Junior, our three-year-old Everette and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Because a frozen turkey is riding shotgun, that's why

Every year, the company I work for puts together a Thanksgiving gift basket for an employee they deem deserving. Notice I said deserving and not in need. Even though the gift basket is generous in its contents (a frozen turkey, canned goods, stuffing mix, a grocery store gift card, frozen vegetables and a set of scented candles), delivery is a delicate matter. No one wants his or her co-workers to think he/she is poor or needs the basket, so the marketing committee pretends to hold a selection session based on merit when really we sit around and talk about who we’ve seen sleeping in his or her car.

Sad but true.

We met today to discuss the top contenders. We finally selected Robert, who has been spotted by more than one co-worker walking the 10+ miles from his apartment to work, and not because he needs the exercise. He looks like this:



But not so happy—or green.

Let’s listen in on how the rest of the meeting played out:

Marketing Head: “So everyone is amenable? Robert is our gift basket honoree?”

Group: “Yes.”

Co-worker #1: “Sir? I just thought of something...”

Marketing Head: “Yes?”

Co-worker #1: “If we give Robert the gift basket and he doesn’t have transportation, how will he get it home?”

Marketing Head: “How heavy is the basket?”

Group: [Raised brows. Shrugged shoulders]

Co-worker #1: “Even if he can carry it, what if it’s raining or sleeting? He might slip.”

Marketing Head: “Excellent point. People, I need ideas.”

Co-worker #2: “We could include a bus pass in the basket—”

Co-worker #3: “—A bus pass? He’ll be carrying a frozen turkey! We can’t ask him to ride the bus with a 20-pound turkey! We should pay for a taxi.”

Marketing Head: “Yes! A taxi! And how much money will a taxi­—”

Co-worker #4: “—Taxis are very expensive. The fare might put us over our gift basket budget—”

Marketing Head: “—We cannot deny someone the gift basket just because he doesn’t have the means to get it home. That is in direction contradiction to the Thanksgiving Gift Basket mission.”

Co-worker #3: “Do you think he might eat some of it before he brings it home? It might make the basket lighter.”

Co-worker #2: “What’s wrong with the bus? Plenty of people bring large packages—”

Co-worker #3: “—Someone will need to help him onto the bus. If he took a taxi—”

Marketing Head: “Quiet, everyone! There won’t be a bus or a taxi. Someone will give Robert and his gift basket a ride home. As compensation, that person may leave 10 minutes early that day. Mrs. Mullet? Is that something you’re agreeable to?”

Me: “Whatever.”

Co-worker #2: “Why should she get to leave early?”

38 comments:

Sapphire said...

Hilarious!

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

oh PUH LEEZE tell me you are kidding about that conversation.

If you are using fictional liberties, that's fine because it is so funny. It's like a scene from "The Office".

But if that was the real conversation at your office, I would run like hell to get out of there.

WHAT KIND OF PLACE DO YOU WORK AT?!?!?!

rachel... said...

See, this kind of post is what makes me wish I had an office job! I could listen to conversations like this all day.

And I heard Robert walks to work because he lost his driver's license after a DUI while he was out celebrating winning the lottery. Thought I should mention it.

Dto3 said...

Hey, get him a bike for the basket!

♥georgie♥ said...

OMGosh look how sweet and gracious you are...your first paragraph cracked me up then I went into the discussion...you always make me leave here with a smile

Pricilla said...

I used to run the collect the toys and give them to the needy kids at Christmas hooha at my job.

I am SOOOOOOOOO glad I don't have to work or do that anymore. It was really, really easier to just write the place a big check and call it a day.

Amanda said...

Since Robert walks 10 miles to work every day do you really think he's going to bother to cook a 20 pound turkey?

Robert probably dines at the local Denny's on Thanksgiving. And LOVES it.

He probably doesn't even have an oven because he needs room in his apartment for his bomb making supplies.

I suggest you keep an eye on "Robert." If that really is his name...

Julia@SometimesLucid said...

I know - buy him a car to put the basket in ;)

mo.stoneskin said...

I agree with co-worker #2, why SHOULD you get to leave early?

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I do believe I am speechless.

Anne said...

Didn't you mention a job that would allow you to work from home? I think it is about that time. What a peculiar tradition. Your company is basically admitting they don't pay people enough and are having you evaluate who they are most underpaying. Where do you work? Walmart?

PropellerHeadMom said...

Too funny! I think we may work for the same company :-)

Frogs in my formula said...

Anne, I don't work for Walmart. I work for a largish company near Mulletville where there is a huge disparity between the entry-level staff (and custodians) and the higher ups.

tootertotz said...

Its still not too late for you to suggest that you will also bring him to work and drop him every day. Of course, out of the kindness of your heart and as part of the 10 min. early arrival and early exit program.

Let's hope you haven't just missed a great opportunity here!

Lindy said...

Are these the same people that decided to clap?

Sara said...

That made my day! Whoo! Love your company!

Mama Badger said...

This conversation could have happened in my office. Oh, except the asking why you get to leave early part. That would have happened when the rest of the group gathered in a cube instead of in the actual meeting.

I like the sentiment, but a GC for the whole thing probably would have solved the problem in total. Then poor Robert wouldn't have to figure out how to cook the darn turkey...

Buggys said...

This is too funny but, sadly, sounds exactly like too many meetings I have attended.

Brandy said...

I love your work stories. crack me up. I'm glad I don't work there but I'd totally be worthy of a free turkey. lol.

Choleesa said...

That is hilarious! Co-workers....ah, what can you say??? Theyre usually idiots, but they keep us from getting bored.

Ms. Salti said...

Oh, the joys! I'm glad my workplace is so much less bureaucratic. Much less headache for me to deal with!

Nessa said...

LOLOL, i work with some people like this too and I work from home!

Jamie said...

How have you not offed yourself (or somebody else)by now?

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

wow! I so wish I could work at your office and attend meetings like this!!

Otter Thomas said...

Hilarious! I love the person that wants him to eat some to lighten his load.

Jenni said...

have you been taking crazy pills? you have, have't you?

SLColman said...

OMGosh funny but sad too...

The Mother said...

It never occurs to anybody that someone should drop the basket off at a homeless shelter?

Mrsbear said...

I am humbled by the compassion of your basket giving committee.

Maybe a wagon to pull the basket behind him for 10 miles...along with his dignity?

blognut said...

Do we work for the same company?

Geez!

Keely said...

Gee, I can't IMAGINE why you want to work from home. I'd go to work just for the entertainment value alone - right before I stabbed myself in the eye with a No. 2 pencil.

Mad Woman said...

I get to leave early because I'm willing to give the guy a ride home instead of making him carry a 20lb turkey on the freakin' bus.

WOW. What a place, man!

Julia said...

I am actually sad for gumby boy since it sounds like he walks up hill both ways to school. If I were there I'd give him a ride home, but maybe make him ride in the back of my truck... JUST KIDDING... But really this kinda made me sad for the dude.

kyooty said...

Coworker #2 wanted the basket!

WeaselMomma said...

amazing. This could be a scene in an episode of The Office!

jdcoughlin said...

That is so amazingly funny. No matter where the group of people are, my neighborhood or other side of the moon, there's always one. So hilarious.

Great blog!

marybt said...

I am totally cracking up.

But poor Robert! :(

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

I am so glad my office is made up of selfish old farts and greedy bastards!