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ABOUT ME

About me: I'm 42 and added another gherkin to our pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our 9-year-old Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Spoonfuls of whoopass

Behold my act of rebellion:



Yes! It’s a floozy of a snow-woman, with erect nipples and tarty red cheeks. She may be wearing nice jewelry, but don’t let her fool you. She’s 100% bona fide Bad Girl.

She’s everything I want to be and more. Everything.

Why? Because my image is at stake! Last night over dinner, Chuck’s cousins told me I reminded them of a “modern day Mary Poppins.”

Jim Jiminy what?



I have nothing against Mary, but you have got to be kidding me. I don’t carry an umbrella, I don’t float, and I certainly do not sing to birds. I'm also not that happy. Mary is Xanax happy. I'm, like, Tums happy. And just because I look squeaky clean doesn’t mean I am. I can be badass and do bad things and you know, rough people up and stuff. I’m really intimidating in my cable knit cardigans and striped socks.

Don’t fuck with me, yo!

Of course, I couldn’t tell the cousins any of that because the conversation went like this all night:

Me: “Is your pork chop raw? I—”

Cousin #1: “It’s like my Aunt Edna used to make. Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk Edna talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk Edna talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk honey glaze talk talk talk talk talk talk talk celery salt talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk Edna talk.”

Cousin #2: “It wasn’t Edna! It was Winky. Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk. Talk Winky talk talk talk talk talk talk horseradish talk raisins talk talk Winky talk talk formaldehyde talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk cracked peppper talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk Winky talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk Winky talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk.”

After dinner, I sneaked downstairs for some Tylenol. I thought the maelstrom was behind me. Then I opened the medicine cabinet in the guest bathroom and saw this:



My virginal Poppins eyes were appalled. Who would put such a personal item in a guest bathroom—and next to Junior’s baby lotion? Then it hit me: My brother and his fiancee stay in the guest room all the time. His buxom lover must have stocked the medicine cabinet with her lubricant du jour.

Ew, ew, ew.

I did what any woman who has been likened to a Disney character and who now knows that her brother’s girlfriend experiences vaginal dryness would do: I went back upstairs and drank a lot.

I.Am.Tough.*

*I'm really not bad. I can't even kill spiders. Though I did get an F in Oceanography once.

22 comments:

Suzi said...

You had me laughing the whole post. Love the trashy-tough snow woman. Don't worry, it isn't like you see the cousins often. Just grin and bare it....your hubby knows who you are and that is all that matters. Glad you were able to wade through the talk talk talk talk.......

Dto3 said...

Are those raisin nipples?

Michelle said...

LOL! Oh dear that's TOO funny. ::wipes tears::

Belle said...

You are such a bloody TART.
And don't thing I fell for that brothers/girlfriends/lubricant trash!
That bottle's got your DNA all over it Mary.

Frogs in my formula said...

They're smushed/flattened chocolate circles!

Anne said...

I would be scared to meet your snow-woman in a dark alley. She intimidated me.

So what was it about you that reminded the cousins of Mary Poppins? Was it your amazing way with Junior? Your fabulous cooking? You generous supply of lubricant for your guests?

Keely said...

Just send them down to the guest bathroom, they'll lose their Mary Poppins vision of you pretty quick.

You are SO funny. I just want to send you a hug. And a flat of Jack Daniels.

Joanie said...

Oh way too funny!!! Love the snowslut and the lubricant next to the baby lotion is too much!

relimom said...

I'm sure Mary Poppins never made such a tarty snow woman.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Hilarious! I love it! Who the fuck brings personal lubricant to a relative's house and leaves it in their medicine cabinet?

And I love your snow woman, she is HOT!

Nicole said...

Did you build that snowman? Hilarious! Conversation sounded like a night out with my in-laws...
And about the KY sensual stuff--the visual images it conjures isn't worth it--I'd have chucked it--you are so much more than a modern day Poppins!

Heather said...

LMAO!!! And what would Mary Poppins had done with the lube...inquiring minds want to know!!!

FoN said...

Bwwwaaahahahah...that post was hilarious! 'Tums' happy is the best.

Ummm...how did you smuggle a camera into their bathroom?

Mel Fraase said...

Hi! New here, your posts are a riot! I think my crazy relatives and yours should all be locked up together rumble-style...probably a much more entertaining night. Good luck!

Julia said...

Thanks for a good laugh once again. :)

TattooedMinivanMom said...

Someone put their personal stuff in YOUR bathroom cabinet??!!

Nice tits btw.

Stephanie said...

So funny!! Love the SnowWoman :)

Ryan@Cool Dad Central said...

If we actually got snow here in SC I'd make as many SnowSlores as possible.

On The Verge said...

LMAO and EWWWW!

mrsbear said...

Ugh. I wasn't even there and I feel like I need a shot of tequila. Wow. Your slutty snow woman kicks ass, and I would have been more than a little disturbed by the lube in the guest bath, why would you put that in someone else's bathroom? If you were Mary Poppins you would have sung a clever rhyming tune about it.

Stacy's Random Thoughts said...

OMG! You had me at the floozy snow-woman... :) Mary Poppins? (snicker!) Love the fact that you took a picture of the medicine cabinet...anyone notice the flash or think Mary Poppins was flashing? ;) Thanks so much for the laugh...I'm still laughing... ;)

Temple said...

You SOOOO should have swiped the love potion and strategically placed it with your floozy snowman (which I love, by the way)

And I didn't know Mary Poppins cursed....