Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I'm Tina Fey's stunt double...for when she's gettin' some McMullet

I have a confession to make: I have no idea why I’m on Twitter.

First, it seems kind of pointless. Second, it’s hard coming up with a catchy line. Increasingly I find myself embarrassed by the asinine ideas I have for twats, I mean tweets. Why I think anyone would care about my striped socks or Thomas the Train phobia or the fact that I just drank a glass of water is beyond me.

And the Twitten’ crowd is intimidating. Everyone seems to be abnormally attractive. I don’t know if it’s because everyone went and got their photos taken at Glamour Shots or if Twitter has some kind of hotness policy I missed in the fine print, but I find it unnerving. (If there is a cuteness pre-req, I’m not sure how my angry cartoon woman got in. Maybe the bar is lower for drawn people.)

Anyway, all of this got me thinking about:

a) how I want to break up with Twitter and

b) how even though I know what so many blog people look like, no one knows what I look like. And that’s not fair now, is it?

But what to do? Out myself? Hell no. There was only one option: meld together all the "hey you look just like..." comments I've gotten over the years and put together a composite just for you.

So, um, voila. According to other people, this is what I look like:

Mary Poppins meets Orphan Annie meets Tina Fey meets romance novel cover woman. Aren't I fine?

I'll break it down for you. The Mary Poppins comment happened this night. I hear Tina Fey all the time because I wear glasses and sometimes snarl at people.

I got Orphan Annied after my boss hired me. She told me she’d always wanted to work with someone who looked like Little Orphan Annie. (It was humid the day of my interview and my hair curled up, but that’s all I have in common with a 10-year-old with freckles—thanks.)

I got the wench comment pre-Junior, when a man at a bar told me I looked like a woman who belonged on the cover of a romance novel. I’m still not sure what that means, as I’d left my billowing frocks at home and I’d yet to cling to a rippling man with my I’m-saying-no-but-my-eyes-and-bountiful-cleavage-are-saying-yes expression (if you’re looking for that in a lipstick try Nars’ Fire Down Below).

So there you have it. I really hope if you see me on the street you'll say hi and not call the authorities (you didn't know Mary liked Cardinals on her shoulder best, did you?).

P.S. Is it just me or is it absolute kismet that I found a romance novel with the word mullet in it? Special thanks to the other Mary for writing this incredible Tour de Loins.


Keely said...

Wait - that's an actual romance title?? Bwahhahhahah!

I have no idea why I'm on Twitter, either. The only time I go there is when someone follows me so I have to go follow them back. Then I type what I'm doing.

At least the people on Facebook actually KNOW you and might care.

Frogs in my formula said...

What about the part about how hot I am??

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

You're HOT! ;)

I used to Twit nonsense, too, but find I just don't have time (OK, really, how much time does it take to tweet something 140 characters or less? But I digress...) Now I leave the work of 'announcing' my new blog posts to TwitterFeed instead...and every so often I'll find myself on Twitter to follow people or do a random check in once in a blue moon... ;)

Julia said...

Everything is incredibly clear now. Thanks for painting a picture anybody could meld together in their minds if on acid, smoking pot and drinking gin and tonic.

And if you were wondering, I HATE twitter.

Nicole said...

twat/twit tit/tat--whatever! You are a serious riot! I love reading your blog!

(I'm taking a break from blogging, but I'll be back to visit--you're definitely one of my favorite writers! Take good care!)

WhisperingWriter said...

I recently joined Twitter and sometimes I have no idea what to say. And sometimes I feel stupid when I reply to someone else's post and that they'll be all, "Huh? What's she talking about??"

I do have a Glamour Shots picture up but only because I don't photograph well. That picture is after I sat for TWO hours getting make up done. Needless to say, I'm lucky if I get TWO minutes to have my makeup done these days. Which means all my "regular" photos are somewhat scary..

Jeanne said...

I came over as a courtesy return visit, only to find that you are spew-my-prune-juice funny. Loving mulletville, because it reminds me of the time my lesbian daughter visited a dyke bar (sounds like a good Friday post). Adding you to my blogroll.

Anne said...

Tina Fey, that is quite a compliment. She is a hottie. The only celebrity people have ever said I look like is Justine Bateman. Yes, not so hottie. I don't know why I am on Twitter either although it does bring people to my blog occasionally.

Scary Mommy said...

I'm totally with Jeanne-- you are awesome! I'm adding you too.

(And I debate ditching Twitter daily. I just don't get it.)

Rachel said...

Whew. I thought I was the only one who isn't crazy about Twitter. Although, we follow eachother there so maybe this is an insult to me??? I hear it's more fun if you have more than 12 followers (like me).

Anway, you are totally hot. No wonder you want to share that with all the world.

Lidian said...

Oh, Twitter really does bring on the writer's block like nothing else. I guess I'm on so I can offload the odd comment that does not fit into a blog post, really. But then I start feeling guilty if I haven't, you know, twitted in awhile. Tweetered. You know.

And hey, look at you on the romance cover! Cool beans! :)

FoN said...

I haven't bothered with Twitter. It looks like a lot of work and I'm just not into that.

LOVE the pic - you're a baby for sure. I'd buy that romance novel and I hate those things.

HeatherPride said...

Well, I had a brief fling with Twitter a few months ago, when I logged on and kept up with it for about 3 days, then fizzled out. Too much work!

Also, is it just me or is it weird that someone would aspire to work with someone who resembles Little Orphan Annie?

kel said...

If that is a real book title, I am so buying it.

Kate said...

Wow, what a visual!

Holly said...

According to my Mother, an angry cartoon woman is the only way to go. Those of us who are using real pics are going to be hunted down by stalkers and murdered in a back ally. (Again, this is according to my mother) You made me laugh, hard, as usual.

Whiney Momma said...

LOL, I totally don't twitter. i so don't get either. BTW, your combination person is hilarious!

And..you should stop by to get award at my blog when you have some time.

Belle said...

I tried to register on Twitter, and got bored half-way through. Really.
I'm not on if you tried to look for me..
I'm just saying..

We all have our vices. Mine are just...bulkier

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