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ABOUT ME

About me: I'm a 40-something mother to a pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our tween Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler Cam, and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). I'm a freelance graphic designer and writer.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Maybe I'd be nicer if I were waking up next to Bill Murray. Nah

I'm pissed off so if you're all sunshine and hearts right now then shoo, go read this.

Why would I be pissed off on a Friday, you wonder? Or maybe you aren't wondering—maybe you already left and I'm talking to myself at this point. If that's the case fine, I don't need you, I don't need anyone. (Do you know I actually said that to someone once? I was drunk and on a date and it wasn't even appropriate, I just wanted to say it for dramatic effect. We had just had sex on a picnic table near the Family Dollar. Yah, that's right, I had sex on a date and it wasn't in a bed. Now you know that Mrs. Mullet is also Miss McSlultlet. Ooooh).

Anyway. Life is starting to feel like Groundhog Day and it's all my husband's fault. Every morning—and I mean every—begins with this: "What time is it?"

For fuck's sake, the man needs to get an alarm clock that affixes to his forehead. I'm sorry his vision is 5/-25000, but that's not my fault. It's the fault of his hunting and gathering ancestors. When they were stalking lions and picking berries and they couldn't tell a boulder from a bush, they should have been eaten or poked in the eye by a branch instead. Then his wretched eyeball genes would have died.

Though shit, that means he wouldn't be here. And we wouldn't have our kid.

Ok, fine, scratch all that. My point is this: If he asks me one more time upon waking "What time is it?" I am going to perform lasik surgery on him myself with some gin and a wire whisk. Can't he at least make it the second thing he asks me in the morning? What's wrong with yawning and scratching and "Hey, how did you sleep, honey?" or "Would you like breakfast in bed?" and then "What time is it?"

Or what about yawning and hugging and then "Would you like breakfast in bed?" and then scratching and then "Should I buff or shine your shoes?" and then "What time is it?" Switch it up a little. Give me some variety before I douse myself in lighter fluid and jump off the roof in a ball of bright orange flames.

Doesn't someone write scripts for this type of thing? No? Fine, I'll do it then. I will write the "How to find out what time it is when you can't see the clock but you don't want to drive your wife crazy with the repetition of your question" manual.

And I'll do it myself because…

Wait for it…

Just one more second…

I don't need you, I don't need anyone!


(Do you feel gypped because I said that even though we haven't screwed under the fluorescent lights of the Family Dollar? Don't. When she was in her late teens, Miss McSlultlet was also Miss McGetitoverwithalready).

17 comments:

Keely said...

Love the labels you attached to that there post. In case someone is actually looking for those topics.

I get "what time is it??" too. But that's because I'm usually waking him up at the crack of noon to take care of his kid so I can go to work. He usually says it in a groggy, "I'm positive it's like 4am and you're just fucking with me" manner.

One day I really WILL wake him up at 4am. Just to fuck with him.

Jen said...

I think I just found a favorite. I laughed my ass off. Ok it might have been at your expense but it was good for me and not under the lights of the Family Dollar. You are funny. You should consider joining the Humor Bloggers. I'll sponsor you.

Heather said...

LOL!!! This is what you call pissed off??? I'm glad I kept reading!!!

Jeanne said...

Too funny. I get crap all the time about "how can you be so open about your life?" It's nice to read someone else who lays it all out there!

mrsbear said...

Is there anything wrong with being Mrs. McGetitoverwithalready?

Suzi said...

I think I would rather have hubby ask "What time is it?" instead of being poked or shaken awake to make lunch. It has taken me 8 long years to train him that if he wants pleasant in the morning then he has to change his poking and shaking to a nice gentle rub of the back. He is still working on it.

Kate said...

What if he said, "Hey sexy girlfriend, what time is it?" Ya know, prefaced it with a little compliment?

Question: Do you love Bill Murray? Find him oddly appealing? Please tell me I am not the only one!!

Nissa said...

I love that you could have written the first paragraph of my comment on Stacey/Anymommy's blog...and I love that it made me come check out YOUR blog because I am now in hysterics. Love it. I'm hooked! :)

Rachel said...

OMG. Do you know what drives me to inhuman rage?

My husband asking me what time it is. As he sits at the computer. Where the time is right there at the bottom OF THE SCREEN.

Or my husband asking me what the date is. While he's in the kitchen. Where all he would have to do is TURN HIS HEAD to see the calendar hanging on the fridge.

I swear, sometimes I don't know how we're still married.

Awesome post!!!

Joanie said...

Get him a talking alarm clock. Aw, he'd probably still ask you.

I will think of you every time I drive past a Family Dollar store. LOL

Julia said...

You got a whole bunch of funny tonight! I get the same question in the form of "Where's my phone?" at least 3 times every the morning. Dude, find a search image and go for it. Please. I don't keep track of your stinking phone.

I would like you to video the fireball...Pleeease!

Mrs. V said...

Hysterical descripton of an everyday rut that many of us fall into. :D After almost 18 years of marriage, my hubby has learned that handing me a cup of coffee before speaking to me, is the best course of action for him. I'm unbearable in the morning, and have a tendency to growl at anything that moves.

Elle said...

My "crazy" button is when my husband is in different room and yells to me "What's this?" WTF?? How the hell do I know? It's done on almost a daily basis and is guaranteed to make my head spin around in a cirle and flames shoot out of my head.

Now to get rid of the unsettling feeling that I've eaten at a picnic table near a Family Dollar.......

HoodChick said...

Scary. My hub's vision is fine. He's just to f'ing lazy to lift his head up and look at the clock. I refuse to tell him what time it is anymore.

One morning (because I AM NOT a morning person) I fear that I will smother him with one of the many pillows he has all over in the bed.

Nicole said...

LOL... I so know how you feel! Okay, this morning I was greeted with the ever popular, "Don't take this the wrong way, babe, but why can't you put anything away in the same place?" Not that big of a deal, but sure would have been nice to have been greeted with a "Good morning, babe." or something! MEN.

Dto3 said...

I'm confused. What is wrong with that? I mean, I only ask my wife that first thing after she wakes up and says, "I'm so happy to be married to you, you hunk of awesomeness, you!"

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

ROTFLMAO!!! Too funny! My crazy phrase from my hubby is 'Hey, what's going on?' rather than a 'hello'... :) Thanks for the laugh! ;)