ABOUT ME

About me: My husband Chuck, our six-year-old Junior, our three-year-old Everette and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

I'm not 100% sure I like children



Last night I went to bed at 7:45. And it wasn’t one of those gee, yawn, stretch, I’m pooped maybe I’ll hit the sack. It was I am going to die if I don’t lie down and shut out the world.

Why the tizzy?

I brought Junior to IKEA. On a Saturday.

Idiot!

All I wanted to do was buy a topiary tree for my office. Trees and plants keep dying in my office, but that doesn’t stop me from trying again. If I admit that plants can’t live in there, what does that say about human life? Anyway, a coworker overheard me talking about the $19.99 topiary trees, and she sweetly asked me to pick one up for her. As did the coworker next to her.

So, here we go: IKEA. Saturday. Junior. Three topiary trees.

Chuck happened to mention to his sister, Angela, that I was taking Junior down to IKEA. She offered to meet me since she lives a few minutes away and has two little girls who like to pet Junior (I’m serious, they brush him with their hands, which is very cute but also very show pony-ish).

I like Angela because even though she’s not on lithium she acts like she is. She says she’s taking the B family of vitamins. I think I took those vitamins in college—from a bong.

Revised agenda: IKEA. Saturday. Junior. Three topiary trees. Chuck’s sister, Angela. Two little girls.

Angela happened to mention to Chuck’s step-father that we were taking Junior and the girls to IKEA and since he is retired and does nothing but craft life-sized wooden cows in his free time, he offered to meet us. (I’m not kidding, the backyard of Chuck’s parents’ house looks like a miniature dairy farm.)

Revised agenda #2: IKEA. Saturday. Junior. Three topiary trees. Chuck’s sister. Two little girls. Chuck’s step-dad.

I won’t bore you with the details of our trip except to say that there was something happening in the children’s section of the cafeteria that was straight out of Lord of the Flies. Furniture was thrown. Children were beating their chests and jumping against walls. Boys screamed. Girls screeched. The goings-on were so traumatizing that they instilled in me a profound and all-encompassing fear of Junior’s fifth birthday party, recess, playgrounds—basically anything having to do with children.

I’m pretty sure I ate; the crusty piece of macaroni I found wedged into my shirt collar is evidence that at some point food was near my mouth.

And then, the store.

Oh holy mother, the store. Junior wanted to touch everything. He wanted to yell “fast! fast!” then show us how he could run fast. For the hour it took for us to wind through that evil maze of a store, I bent over to remove his hand from stemware, lifted his 25-pound writhing body as he tried to pull curtains down from the wall, wrestled him into the carriage only to have him scream “down, down!” Basically, I laughed, cried, stretched, ran, jumped—I might have even thrown up at one point.

And I hadn’t even gotten the fucking topiary trees yet.

Finally we got to the damn plant section, which was the last stop before the registers. I crammed the trees into the carriage and wiped my dripping brow (I had long since abandoned most of my clothes, because it was a hellish 90 degrees in the store) and raced to the registers.

The end was in sight.

I paid for the trees. We all walked to the door. Stood a moment. And everyone said goodbye. Leaving me to push a carriage full of trees and a child to the far corners of the slushy parking lot.

You know what? That’s fine. I bought the trees. I didn’t ask for help. But after I had put Junior in his car seat and thrown the trees on top of the stroller, bags of sand and other miscellaneous and unnecessarily large hatchback items, I sat in my front seat and contemplated dropping Junior off at my mother’s and buying a one-way ticket to an island where liquor is plentiful and so is silence.

Until yesterday, I never would have associated IKEA with things like anarchy and Armageddon. But leaving the world of babies and venturing into the land of toddlers and children is a trip best taken with booze and small steps.

IKEA, until Junior is 21, I have to break up with you. Or at least meet you in back alleyways when no one is looking. And Junior, your fifth birthday party is going to be me, you, your dad and a leisurely stroll in the woods.

Emphasis on leisurely.

32 comments:

harrietv said...

It's a learning experience. May it never happen to you that way again.

Don't ever tell anyone your plans. For safety's sake, don't tell your husband either.

laughingatchaos said...

I'd kill for an IKEA. Just leave the kiddo home next time and go with a girlfriend...and laugh at all the other schmucks who took their kids! LOL!

Stacy's Random Thoughts said...

ROTFLMAO!! Ok, I'm sorry, I just...can't...stop...laughing! Deep breath...OK, I think I'm done for now...*snort!* Um...sorry... ;)

Good advice from harrietv... Don't ever tell anyone your plans.

Especially your husband. Or your pets. Or yourself in the mirror. Shhhhhh!!! :)

Joanie said...

I am SO glad all that trauma is behind me! Please remind me of it when I have grandchildren.

I've discovered why I am not a teacher or daycare worker. Frankly, I don't like other people's kids that much. You can't beat them, yell at them, punish them in any fun way ant more. sheesh.

Frogs in my formula said...

Harriet, you nailed it. It's a learning experience and I learned my lesson AND THEN SOME.

Nicole said...

Oh my God--that is so funny! I think it is double funny for me because I had my first IKEA experience with Katie--and let me tell you it was a doozie... It was the first time in three years that I literally wanted to relinquish my responsibilities as a mommy, leave the country with no forwarding address--really it was that bad... I went back once since then--you know, feel the fear and do it anyways... I can pretty much say--for sure--that I will not be back with kid in toe... Online IKEA? maybe, still a little nightmarish!

Nicole said...

it's "kid-in-tow" (not a kid in your toe--duh) right? Whatever--I never get it right...

Vodka Mom said...

I am STILL Laughing my ass off at your title.


ROFLMAO. and the post rocked.

Suzi said...

Yeah....we don't do birthday parties. It is just immediate family, with Aunt, Uncle, and 2 cousins. I had a similar experience this morning at Target with the boys....ARGH!

Julia said...

So I am guessing there is no twinkle in your eye for a 2nd child at this point. I think IKEA could be used as some form of birth control under certain situations. Kind of like taking you kid to a restaurant and having them do backflips over the bench seating. Lauren really should have been on this trip too.

♥georgie♥ said...

LMFAO!!!! I am dying here...you are too funny loved your 'revised'
we dont have ikea here guess it's a good thing..

Michele said...

Awesome post! I love it!

Michelle said...

You couldn't pay me enough money to go to Ikea on a Saturday. You are a far braver woman than I.

Lidian said...

Oh, IKEA on the weekend! No thank you. Been there, done that (not the tree part but the rest sounds strangely, hauntingly familiar).

I wouldn't mind a little vacay on that island, too. Do they have a spa there? As long as they have vodka and tonic, I'm good to go.

Hope your week is more restful (it probably will be no matter what happens!) :)

Sassypants Wifey said...

Hehehehe, I went to an IKEA once in Iceland. I was not a mother at that point, but I filed it away in places to avoid once becoming a mother. It had devil written all over it. Incidently I have yet to be in one since, that was 8 years ago. Thankfully I live in Colorado, where I actually dont know if we have any here. All I can say from our experience is that we barely made it out alive, I couldnt imagine with kids.
Godspeed to ya next time!

Keely said...

Ikea? On a weekend? With CHILDREN?

Dude, you need more than an early bedtime. You need medication.

Stacy said...

I totally agree with you. I am not a fan of large groups of children. I once had a birthday party for both of my boys at our house. It was 15 BOYS at our house. I made them all stay outside, and if they needed the bathroom I would escort them one at a time. It was very "Lord of the Flys-ish" too. They basically ran around hitting eachother and yelling. Fun fun. Just wait...it'll get worse. (sorry, but no need to sugar-coat it)

Frogs in my formula said...

Stacy, I appreciate your brutal honesty. LOL.

Dto3 said...

And your coworkers deserve to be spat upon on Monday for sending you into the 9th circle of hell for topiary trees. They knew what they were doing, oh yeah, they knew. That's why they were so eager to pawn off their chores onto you, Oh Gullible One!

kyooty said...

you did well if you got what was on your list?

Leanne said...

I'm laughing...sorta of. I'm laughing in a 'been there, hell I'm never going back either, sorta way.' An island with Bahama Mamas? I'm so so so in.

mrsbear said...

If it weren't for those chaotic migraine inducing outings, I'd never leave the house. I've been to Ikea once. I'm still building up the courage to go back, maybe once my youngest is potty trained and I can take advantage of the sitting. Those leisurely strolls in the woods are also not as peaceful as you'd assume.

bernthis said...

I love your blog. You've got a great sense of humor. I avoid IKEA at all costs, I don't care if whatever I need is only sold there, fine I will buy something else similar to it, I don't need anything that badly that I have to go to IKEA and I definitely would not take my five year old.

I have been in your shoes and often think about buying a plane ticket of my own.

Holly said...

HILARIOUS, as usual.

Belle said...

Ikea's are taking over the world. Becareful. They seem harmless, but they are not.Don't say I didn't warn you.

Anne said...

Ikea with 3 kids, you are brave.

I recommend having the 5th birthday party elsewhere. There are many places that will host it. Preferably, someplace that has a private viewing room for parents outside of the main party room (soundproofing is good too). I have no advice about Ikea. Even if you leave Junior home, everyone else's kids will still be there.

HeatherPride said...

Oh yes, this is why I do all my shopping when my husband can stay home with the kids! It's just too hard to take them anywhere!!

kel said...

I used to wish there was an Ikea around here.. you just changed my mind.

Michelle said...

ROFL!! I just have to laugh because I have a two year old and I can't ever take him to the store because he would drive me crazy!! I found your blog at Georgie's and notice the name. I have thefroggybottomblog. :)

kreations said...

Oh my goodness. Your toddler is only 25 lbs. then it could have been much worse. LOL Mine is 30 lbs.
I completely understand we went for a high chair and somehow didn't get the safety strap and I called them to get the part sent to me so I didn't have to go back to the store.

ModernMommy said...

OMG, I have always had a love/hate relationship with Ikea, because of course the hellish maze. And because of this I have only been a few times in my life. But a week and a half ago we were there for no less than 2 hours with a screaming toddler. She literally cried the ENTIRE time we were there. I'm with you I think I need to break up completely until she is at least 21.

Temple said...

Fake wooden cows? Really? I so need a picture of this!