Thursday, July 8, 2010

Maybe next week, babyface. Tonight I'm making dinner for me and the Kenmore Java Lava Upright

Ok, ok, I admit it: My last post was a shameless attempt to get a free vacuum cleaner. I was hoping that a sales rep from Dyson or Electrolux might be perusing the Internet for needy cases, see my pathetic hairy sock picture and exclaim, “We must get this woman a vacuum!”

Why not? It worked with the Furminator and Snuggie. And that was years ago. If cheese and wine improve with age, the value of someone’s blog freebies should too. It’s perfectly reasonable that someone should want to send me a $500 vacuum. I’m a mom blogger, dammit! I’ve earned it.

Sadly, no one has contacted me.

But fear not, I have a working vacuum cleaner to hold me over. It’s one of the few things I inherited from my grandfather after he passed away. My father had bought it for him as a birthday present, and he never used it. You think my stairwell is dusty? My grandfather’s stereo was once stolen; after the police caught the suspect they confirmed the lifted stereo was indeed my grandfather’s by matching it to the dust imprint on his bureau.

Isn’t it sweet how I’ve followed in his footsteps?

My mother doesn’t think so. When she comes to my house to baby sit Junior, she twitches at the sight of the dust balls. Sometimes I’m not even out the door before she’s got the vacuum in her hands. Physically disabling the vacuum cleaner so she couldn’t use it would be akin to torture.

Torture!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining that my mother vacuums my house while I’m at work. It’s just that she vacuums like she’s...in the midst of a serious romp with a 25-year-old Brazilian gigolo who knows how to use his poker.

I can’t tell you the times I’ve walked in on her as she’s bent over with her face in the baseboards.

“Yes! Yes!” she cries. “It feels so good to get in there and suck it all up! How could you not enjoy this?”

She’s covered in sweat. She’s breathless. It kind of makes you want to shower.

Inevitably, I end up teasing her. Then I feel guilty because deep down I know that it is possible to have a satisfying encounter with the vacuum cleaner. It does feel good to suction up things that have been attacking your toes and clinging to your pants, children and guests. (Of course, I’d never tell my mother that because she’d enroll us in a vacuum cleaning retreat for mothers and daughters. Moms are hokey like that. At least my mom is. Hokey and embarrassingly intimate with the brush nozzle.)

Having said that, I don’t experience vacuum nirvana frequently enough to use it as an excuse (“Not tonight, hon, I’ve already ridden the Dirt Devil”).

But I guess you already know that, don’t you?

16 comments:

kyooty said...

LOL!!!! you will note that I took the side of the dust bunnies not the socks.

Pricilla said...

What's a vacuum cleaner?

VandyJ said...

I vacuum when the dust bunnies have become dust dinosaurs. Or the cat/dog hair starts to stick to my kids.

jadenotjaded said...

I never thought it was fun to vacuum until I got my Dyson! Keep trying to get your freebee, it is well worth it. ;)
Maybe you could show us all a video about how your mom vacuums!!! lol

Stacie said...

I'll come over and vacuum for you. I love me some vacumming. So much that I vacuum once a day.

I absolutely loved the way you described your mom when she does it. hahaha

Ms. Salti said...

I don't vacuum nearly as often as I should, but it is quite satisfying when I hear all the crap being sucked up and clinking around.

SLColman said...

I think that Dyson should hook you up. Maybe if you had one then you could have the same kind of relationship as your Mother does with the vacuum?

marybt said...

Shoot, I'd be asking her to babysit at LEAST 3 times a week! lol.

My mom and I are opposite from you all. I'm the vacuumer in the family.

The sock picture left me speechless. However, it did inspire my latest blog post. How scarey is that?! lol.

Mama Badger said...

I use the excuse that the vacuum scares the baby. I can only sweep. Rarely.

Lindy said...

For the longest time I didn't know where the on/off switch on the vacuum was. Isn't that why we get married?

Sparkling said...

I loved to vacuum until my 14 year old vacuum cleaner suddenly developed an ear piercing shriek. I'm so Thrifty I dont' want to buy a new one, so I just wait until I can't stand the mess and think about how I will go deaf at an early age. I have my eye on a Dyson but I want to get it for free so I use a complex system of using my Discover points to get Sears gift cards until I have enough to get it. I'm halfway there and might have to break down and buy it because I am developing a ringing in my ears...

Keely said...

Post a vid of your mom making out with the vacuum cleaner, and I bet Dyson will be ALL over you with freebies...sex sells, y'know.

SmartBear said...

you could just put double sided tape on everyone's socks and have them walk around? I'm just sayin'....
Best,
Tina
P.S.
Thanks for visiting me!

Maggie said...

I feed my dust bunnies. I figure they help keep the spiders away, so I better treat them right.

JasonBirk佳琪 said...

人不可以求其備,必捨其所短,取其所長............................................................

Jeanne said...

Sounds like you don't need a new vacuum--you just need to invite your mom over more often.

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