(You might want to send the kiddies away. This shit’s hot.)
First, I put on my pajamas. At 8:35 p.m. Then I got the lemon-scented Pledge out and dusted my bedroom. Then I settled into bed and slathered on some super gooey, banana-scented foot cream. I had a new David Sedaris book.
All was right in the world.
Then I heard the buzzing. I looked over and saw two bees zipping around my night table. They must have been drawn to the fruit cornucopia.
My perfectly rational mother's instinct kicked in. Junior has never been stung by a bee. If I didn’t kill these bees they could fly under his door and into his room, sting him and cause him to go into anaphylactic shock. His life was at stake.
I had to kill these bees.
But how? I didn’t want bee smush on my new book. I grabbed the Pledge from the night stand and doused the bees. They didn’t like that. I squirted them some more. They started dive bombing me. They were out for blood. I jumped off the bed so I could finish them off and that’s when it happened:
Gooey banana foot cream + Pledged hardwood floors = Mrs. Mullet slides face first into her dresser.
And ends up looking like this:
I know what you’re thinking: what about the bees? Did she kill them?
I don’t fricken know. They disappeared as soon as I started wailing. Despite my condition, I mustered up the strength to get on my computer and google “Does Pledge kill bees?” but I never got a definitive answer.
I did, however, discover that I’m not alone in my quest for an answer. Some stalwart made a video chronicling her Pledge + bee encounter.
Killer ending! A real knee gripper.
18 comments:
Mothers will do anything to protect their children from those nasty, dangerous, 10 mm long predators.
Is there a ever a dull moment in your house?!
I would have freaked the f*ck out if I had two bees buzzing around any part of house.
There should be a warning on that video...and I once killed a spider in the bathroom with a few squirts of Scrubbin' Bubbles. They should put that on the label.
New Scrubbin' Bubbles: scour mold and mildew away in seconds, AND new and improved formula also kills spiders!
Hope your eye feels better soon. :(
That shit IS hot. I need a shower now.
RAID!!! Wasp and Hornet killer will get them everytime! yes it might "stink" a bit but it's well worth it, for no stings.
It's a good thing you documented this. Now your kid will never be able to say that you didn't do anything for him. It cracks me up what you can find online.
Ahhh, in our house it would have ended up with a towel under jr's door and me in another room. I had a brief encounter with a mutant wasp last summer, and now I just don't even try. Those little bastards have WINGS for goodness sake. Why did God give them stingers, too?
Oh my gosh.. I am cracking up!! You poor girl!!
ouch. I HATE bees. but I would've ran first and demanded my husband come home and deal with the situation and not gone in the room again until he showed me their corpses.
Jesus, woman. Your eye!
Hmmm bananas, lemons, a human who is about to fall into the world of Sedaris and become oblivious to the world around her. I don't know what could be more inviting to a bee.
Hey, join the Blog Bash that started today! Info's on my blog.
OUCH! No Pledge doesn't kill them. Don't ya have a GF on speed text? Hope your eye heals quick.
Ouch!
You need to bee careful.
What did we do before google?
Hmmm, maybe I should google that.....
This looks like it could be the cover to one of the Twilight books.
You think just like I do, danger can find it's way to the child. Thankfully by the time they are a little older you don't worry so much about them. One day you will call them when something needs to be killed. And they just might do it for you.
buahahahah that video made me pee a little.
Bees must die! I can't argue with your logic. But man, that was one heck of a face plant. Falling down as an adult is not fun, kids are bendy and rubbery, we are not.
That is the best story I've ever heard for covering up domestic violence in my life.
(You know I'm sarcastic, right?)
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