ABOUT ME

About me: My husband Chuck, our six-year-old Junior, our three-year-old Everette and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

$50 says my boobs are going to hang the lowest, plus, a giveaway

I want to thank everyone who left me a comment on my flea post. I seriously expected comments like “You’re disgusting!” or “I’m never coming back to this blog, Cootie Girl!” but instead you shared your own horror stories. I don’t know why the Today show hasn’t picked up on the real household scourges. According to you guys, cricket, tick, flea, silver fish and earwig infestations are, like, rampant.

Shudder.

I still haven’t seen any fleas, so I’m hoping we caught it early enough to avoid a full-blown catastrophe. I also hope that it wasn’t stupid to have company over yesterday. I’d disclosed the situation to everyone, but still, I’m trying really hard not to make follow up calls today along the lines of “Hey, great to see you yesterday. Itchy anywhere?”

Two of the guests were my brother Ted, and his fiancĂ©e, Holly. If you’re new here, Holly’s the former nanny who set my oven on fire and whose parents invited us to a foodgasm.

I like Holly, I really do.





But. She and Ted are planning their wedding. Yesterday while we were talking, I asked her if she'd picked her bridesmaids and she said, "Yep—you're one of them. And Junior is a ring bearer."

Come again? Is it just me or does it take serious nut for a 21-year-old to tell a 35-year-old woman that she’s in her wedding? How about, "Hey, would you and your child like to be in my wedding?" Am I overreacting?

Chuck says yes. He keeps telling me to relax. Oh, I hate that. I think that every time a man tells a woman to relax, his testicles should be zapped with a taser. How can I relax when every black speck in my house makes me think we are seconds away from flea armageddon? Or when all I envision at my brother's wedding is me and a bridal party of 21-year-olds decked out in hot pink bikini dresses and sparkles? I’ll show you relax, you %^&#^#^&ing %#%#^&%#^&er.

Oh, dang. I’d hate to see this post end on a sour note. I started off all warm and smoochy with gratitude and look, I’m back to being crotchety. Would it make it all better if I said I had a Diamond Edition Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Blu-ray Combo Pack DVD* to give away?



This movie is always a thrill to watch. The story-line contains twists and turns and keeps you on the edge of your seat. The movie is humorous, dramatic and engaging.

It’s completely remastered and digitally restored, plus lots of extras. All you have to do is leave me a comment and a way to contact you if you win. If you're not into chicks who cater to the needs of dwarfs, feel free to leave me a comment telling me I'm not overreacting.

Mwahahahha.

This is open to U.S. residents only, since I have to pay postage. Leave your comment by Wednesday, October 21, 9 p.m., EST.

*Holy mouthful! This giveaway was made possible by the One2One Network.

52 comments:

Jenera said...

I would like to enter!

I'm going to be a bridesmaid in my brothers wedding next year and apparently it's been decided my kids will be ring bearers too. I freaked because most of the other girls are skinny minnies with big 'ol boobs and I was worried I would have to wear a hooker-tastic dress. But luckily the dresses are gorgeous and there will be one girl bigger than me.

SugarBritches said...

Men suck! Nuff said.

Oh and I want to win.

Ladybug Mama of 2 said...

I'd love to win.

My sister is eight years younger than me. And I'm sure when she eventually gets married it's going to be the same thing. Me and a bunch of young hotties.

Mary Anne said...

When he has to wear a bridesmaid dress and get Junior into a tux, THEN he can tell you to relax. I really hate that.
When my husband's brother was getting married, the bride said to me something along the lines of "'Joe' would like you to be in our wedding." Nice. During the shopping for bridesmaid dresses, there were more than a few thinly veiled comments about my weight at the time. Yeah, we don't get along too well . . . But, she lost all the weight for her wedding on crazy supplement stuff and as soon as she went off them, she practically doubled in size. Payback is a b#%*h and so are... you get the point.
And sign me up for the Snow White contest, too.

blueviolet said...

It's gonna take a while before you feel like you're in high flea alert mode.

I'd love to win the movie!

Suzi said...

Snow White, such a fun, loving movie. Sure enter me, why not?

Brides maid? I was one at the age of 35, but it was my sister I wouldn't tell her no...she is my only one. She also gave me free reign on the dress, she just gave me the colors. I guess she had to leave it up to me since she is in Australia. Don't sweat it, look at it as an honor....she likes you enough to want you in her wedding party.

Anne said...

I was in my sister-in-laws wedding way too soon after having my first child. The rest of the bridal party was skinny fashion industry New Yorkers. I sucked it up and got over it. It is a compliment to be asked to be in a wedding (although Chuck is totally wrong to tell you to relax). Good luck with no fleas! Any types of creepy crawly things cause me to freak out.

Jeanne said...

Winning Snow White would be cool.

Mostly, I think it's good to ask people to spend a ton of money on a single-use dress rather then telling them they're going to do so.

rachel... said...

Oh, I was the oldest and saggiest bridesmaid in my sister-n-law's wedding a few years ago. The wedding was out of town and my (then 5 year old) daughter was the flower girl and I was still nursing my (then infant) son and WHAT A PAIN IN THE ASS! The good thing about being the only mom in the bunch is that I had an excellent excuse to skip the bachelorette party. Good luck.

Our Crazy Life said...

Count me in for the giveaway, my girls would love to have that movie!!
I had my daughter in law invite hersel to b4 a bridesmaid at my daughters wedding and we had to scramble to find another dress~ then she showed up late anyway.

Joanie M said...

It would have been nice if she ASKED you rather than tell you that you are in the wedding. You can always decline, you know! I was in my brother's wedding when I was 40... way too old to be a bridsemaid!

ErinFromIowa said...

Fleas. *shudder*
Bridesmaids dresses. *shudder*

Good thing you have a movie to sweeten up this post. ;)

Magnolia said...

God help you

suddenstorm0@gmail.com!

Shana said...

Hey! Dwarves need love to!! Hope that doesn't offend anyone I actually am related to a few. the weird thing is they HATE being called dwarves or little people. hey would rather be called midgets. Go figure. Tasered testicles...hmmm, sounds like it could work.

Shelli (wishes she was) Mrs. Burchett;) said...

My sister told me I was going to be the maid of honor in her wedding last year...cause she has no friends I'm guessing!

So there I was, 36 years old, wearing a spaghetti strap dress which accentuated my extra large bat wings, standing next to my waif-like 5'7" 110lb daughter.

But my sister was sporting back fat because her idiotness never tried on her wedding dress, so I'm pretty sure I looked better than she did!

Shelli (wishes she was) Mrs. Burchett;) said...

Oh, and I want the movie!

tootertotz said...

I am no Miss Manners but what happened to asking a person to be in the wedding as opposed to telling them?! Especially when you are presuming their little one will be in the wedding, too. It just would have been polite for her to ask instead of tell.

SO, in the interest of being polite...'ask' Chuck to go to hell. Then 'tell' him to go to hell and see which he thinks is more polite. You can also 'tell' him that he gets to prep Junior for the wedding since you will be busy performing your bridesmaid-ly duties. He may begin to see where Holly went astray.

Ooooo...and throw my name in for Snow White. I need another reason to avoid fresh fruit besides just wanting to eat crap.

Staci said...

I don't think you're overreacting. Sometimes brides make the bridesmaids buy the dresses. What if she insists on designer ones that cost more than you make a month? She should ask instead of assume. Unfortunately, brides often go all bridezilla and expect the world to do as they say and forget to ask. Maybe you could slip some itching powder in her wedding dress as payback or teach your son to puke on cue.

Gillian said...

I think I just literally scared the crap out of my daughter, I laughed so hard about the testicle taser idea! I love your blog! How's that for warm fuzzies?

I'm in for the giveaway too.

HoodChick said...

It's totally reasonable to expect someone to ASK if you want to be in their wedding. We need to start a petition for public schools to have mandatory manners classes. It's so sad what people think is perfectly acceptable nowdays.

Elle said...

Relax? That's almost as bad as when they give you the shushing noise. Nothing gets me madder than the shushing noise.

Hey sign me up for the giveaway. Not that I cater to the whims of dwarves..really.

Elle said...

Relax? That's almost as bad as when they give you the shushing noise. Nothing gets me madder than the shushing noise.

Hey sign me up for the giveaway. Not that I cater to the whims of dwarves..really.

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

Sign me up for the dwarf movie. But, for the record, the PC term is "Vertically Challenged" or "Little people"

And, I think you should just tell her if you don't want to be in the wedding. I'm sure she won't care. Think about it: when you got married, did you have any of Chuck's sisters in the bridal party? Was it because you were BFF's or was it more out of a sense of obligation.

Not trying to make you feel less than worthy, but really, I'm sure she won't care if you bow out.

But totally put Junior in as the ring bearer. Nothin' cuter than a little kid in a tuxedo!

Pricilla said...

Please enter me.

I was in all of my brothers' weddings. I think my one sister in law only did it 'cause she felt she had too.

I really wish she hadn't.

Maybe you can put some style sense into the process...

Kayleen said...

The new baby would love a snow white movie!

And I'm 25 and loathe being a bridesmaid... sorry you got roped in to it!

mo.stoneskin said...

Sounds like you need to relax...

*zap*

Youch.

Lindy said...

Balls zapped. I'm totally on board with that concept.

Gina said...

If I win, I will wear my Snow White costume and take a photo of myself watching. because I'm giving like that.

As for the bridesmaid thing - I think that many 21 year olds are still at the stage where they assume that everyone WANTS to be a bridesmaid.

I was in my cousin's wedding a couple of years ago and I was the oldest, fattest one. Luckily, she is awesome and let us pick our own dresses - we only had to wear the same color.

Brandy said...

ummm. that was nice of her to include you and her future nephew? right?

The Mother said...

Deep breath. Repeat as necessary.

I learned a long time ago that family relationships are MUCH easier if I just go with the ridiculous flow than if I kick and scream.

(This after a number of years of kicking and screaming).

Show up, be nice, wear the hideous dress, then toss it in the garbage once you've done your familial duties.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

I was thinking about getting Snow White for my dd. I'd rather win one though!

I think you have to ask before even contemplating being in a wedding. What if the person has stage fright? Hot pink sparkle dress fright? Or simply no way never gonna happen issues?

Stick to your guns...or taser as the case may be.

marybt said...

You ought to poke her eye out with your lipstick. Really. You should.

And I'd love to be entered in your giveaway! :)

I leave my email when I comment or else you can go to my blog and check out the turkey baby costume. Either way. :)

Katie said...

I was just in a wedding -- the bride was older than me but was a beautiful blonde, size 2. Actually, smaller than a 2, that was the smallest the dress came and she had it taken in. Thank GOD I love her. And that at a size 16, I was the skinny bridesmaid. Told her, "You know that spotlight that's supposed to be on you all day? Ain't no room!" It was really hard to get past my post babies belly and fat arms, tuck myself into the strapless dress and parade around in front of people in something I wouldn't have even put on for my husband. Saving grace is I played a good game of I'm-Still-College-Skinny in my head. Helps being a little bit on the crazy side.

And enter me for the video -- have a two year old who hasn't seen Snow White and I should probably work on scarring him like I've scarred the other seven.

sarahthings said...

Ooh Snow White! I hope I win!

She should definitely have asked you, or at least broached the subject herself. I imagine you still not knowing you're in the wedding as the wedding day rolls around. Niiice.

Buggys said...

Catchy title I bet it will draw a few hits on your blog! Hey, just hitch those puppies up a little tighter!

I want to win, I never actually win anything but toss my name in anyway, thanks.

Joan M. Cannon said...

Are you going to have to wear pantyhose(aka:sausage casings)!?
Seriously, have some cocktails and a good laugh at someone else's expense...it could be worse, at least it isn't going to be YOUR wedding day! :)
I heart snow white!

Sara said...

One of my bridesmaids was 43. I was 24. It can work, hopefully she picks a good dress...

Chocoholic said...

Ha, I understand the flea freak out. I have indoor cats and they got fleas once, ugh, it took forever to get rid of them. I can only determine I somehow got them because I live in an apartment so who know what a neighbor tracked in. My cats were not pleased at the doses of Frontline but it worked.

And, yeah, sign me up for the Snow White dvd contest. :)

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Personally, I don't think you're overreacting. She told you that you are in her wedding instead of asking you?

Princess Nagger would LOVE that movie...so yeah, count me in! ;)

kyooty said...

I really don't think you are over reacting. Not everyone wants to be in a wedding after say oh 26?

DysFUNctional Mom said...

About the bridesmaid thing, you are definitely not overreacting. Unless she's planning on paying for your dress & Jr's tux. Because that's just rude of her. She should've kindly asked you if you would do the honor.
About the fleas, you are so overreacting and it's cracking me up! We foster dogs & cats. My flea experiences would cause you to have twitches for the rest of your life!

Otter Thomas said...

I have told my wife to relax before and I have the scars to prove it.

Geezees Geezees Custom Canvas Art said...

I love that movie!

Keely said...

I'm not entering, because I"m not in the US. But I would like to say: You're not overreacting. That was awfully pushy.

Get a really good bra.

Angel said...

I have been a bridesmaid before, and usually its thrown on me, I joked with on of my getting married friends that its because they know next to me they will be breath-taking, lol and that's why all these beautiful girls are my friends.

Anonymous said...

My daughter would freak out if we won this. Shes dressing like snow white for the 3rd year in a row!
Preschool teacher.

Sheila said...

OKOK!!! I need to enter!! I need to win!!! :)

Angela said...

I would like to enter :)

I feel your pain on the flea front...my step kids literally brought them home. I didn't even know that was possible!!! Currently I'm the only one getting bitten! All up and down my legs and my big prego belly! *shudder* We flea bomb and use vinegar and borax....and they go away. Then the kids come back from their mom's house and the infestation begins anew. I started requiring showers and clothes washing upon entry into our house for them...GAH!! Sorry to hear about the bridesmaid business. It's always nice to be asked yeah?

Jean said...

There should be a legal limit on bridesmaids.

Terra H. said...

I sooo just went through the whole wedding/bridesmaid ordeal. Although I like the girl, it would have been nice to have been asked to be a bridesmaid and treated nicely. She's 21 and I'm 32. I felt like I should have scolded her for her behavior. Rather, I gritted my teeth. All in all, the wedding turned out well and I'm pretty sure I won't agree to be in a wedding again.

Big Mama Cass said...

Am I entered?? LOL

Dto3 said...

Boobs - you said boobs again. hehehehe