Thursday, October 8, 2009

I need a Sugar Daddy to afford this

While we’re on the subject of newspaper clippings (you all are so clever with your shot comments), look what my co-worker left on my desk this morning:



This confirms what I have always believed about my co-workers: they want me to suffer.

Chuck and I are going to suck it up and take Junior to the Day out with Thomas extravaganza, but let me tell you, I’m terrified. Not at the prospect of standing next to a life-sized Thomas and Sir Topham Hatt (known in some circles as the “Fat Controller”*) or paying $18 for a 25-minute ride (that’s almost a dollar a minute) for all three of us, but because this event might catapult Junior to a place from which his little toddler brain may never return.

I’m afraid he’s going to become a Sodorite. And frankly, I’m sick of hearing about Salty and Cranky and Molly and Emily and Gordon and Henry and their damn shunting and puffing.

Sometimes when Junior asks, “Is Thomas puffin’?” I have to snicker. Yes, Sweetie, he’s puffin’...but he didn’t inhale.

And who but the “Everyone Poops” author uses the word “poop” in a story? Junior’s only two years old and he already giggles over this:



“Thomas is poopin’! Thomas is poopin’!”

And what the hell is up with "Thomas and the Big, Big Bridge"?



I know it’s just a kid’s story and I know that it’s fictitious, but tales that rely on readers' suspension of disbelief need to succeed at convincing us to suspend our disbelief. After Thomas’ wheels jump the track on the big, big bridge, I cannot get past the line “But inside his coaches, the passengers enjoyed the wonderful view.”

Are you friggen kidding me? Do you know the pandemonium that would ensue if people were trapped on a bridge—one so high it's in the clouds—because the train’s wheels had jumped the track? Do you really think that as people were teetering and hanging off the side of the bridge they’d be admiring the mountains? No. They’d be screaming, “Holy fuck, we’re going to die.”

Oh, but right, we’re supposed to be concerned about Thomas’ fear of the tall bridge. It’s always about Thomas. Hero of the rails my ass.

*Note: According to Wikipedia, the Fat Controller is referred to as The Fat Director in the first two books in the series (The Three Railway Engines and Thomas the Tank Engine). In the third book (James the Red Engine) he becomes The Fat Controller, as the railway has been nationalized.

In the American version, he has always been referred to by his actual name, Sir Topham Hatt, solely for politically correct reasons.

26 comments:

A Mom on Spin said...

I never had any little boys, but this post is somehow making me wish I had so I could be right there making fun of Thomas with you!

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

How in the world can you hate Thomas, a creature so filled with love and innocence?

Clearly you are an anti-Thomasite.

You need a support group.

;>)

The Mother said...

I know I'm dating myself when I point out that the original conductor was George Carlin.

He was amazing. Then they hired Ringo Starr. Somewhat less amazing.

Fat guys? Don't know about them.

None of my kids were ever so into Thomas that I had to go to a live event. Now, Dragon Ball Z...

Dto3 said...

If you find that Sugar Daddy, send him my way. After all, it's all about me.

JW.BW said...

You are so friggin hillarious!!! I was dying at this story!! My nephew went through the "Thomas" phase, and it was annoying. However, I would trade that in a heartbeat for Masons "WWF" phase... For the love of GOD!!! Do we have to watch wrestling rap videos on youtube ALL FRICKIN DAY?? And must you wear that WWF belt... O... Thomas would be nice!!

mo.stoneskin said...

What do you mean 'some circles'? I only knew him as the Fat Controller. What circle does that put me in? Rich? Poor? Uneducated? Elite?

Elite, I must have moved in the elite Thomas the Tank Engine circles. Stands to reason.

Amanda {My Life Badly Written} said...

We are past the Thomas stage and onto Star Wars The Clone Wars and Naruto and Ben 10 etc!

Ringo Starr was the original narrator and the Fat Controller was called the Fat Contoller in the beginning but I think they changed the name to be more PC and fit with a wider audience (ie USA!)

Frogs in my formula said...

Amanda, you're exactly right. Mo, this explains why you only knew him by this name.

Texan Mama--I DO need a support group!

Lindy said...

Is Thomas the Train barneylike?

I've never read one of these books but the word poop may change my mind.

Kate said...

One piece of advice: DO NOT go into the big tent full of Thomas merchandise, and most importantly, DO NOT let Junior get anywhere near it! Anything "Thomas" can be found there, and I mean ANYTHING! (That's where I got my "Harold the Helicopter Lift-em-up Bra.")

Suzi said...

Thomas would come to my neck of the woods and I would avoid it like the plague. My kids never knew. I hear it is a complete and total cluster F*** of people. Not fun.

Enjoy! ;-)

marybt said...

It's still not as bad as GoodNight Moon.

Mrsbear said...

None of my kids ever liked Thomas, something about their weird people faces on a train body always disturbed them (and me) enough to keep us changing the channel.

You're a good mom. I avoid those kinds of events like the plague.

Anonymous said...

It could be much worse. He could have been a born Barney the purple dinosour fan.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I went to this event about 10 (or more) years ago in Baltimore. Talk about chaos! The only thing I want to add here is that if it is the same Sir Toppum Hatt stay far away from him. He was so surly toward the kids and his face was so red I thought he was going to have a heart attack right in front of me! And gag I might have to do something about it! Ewwwwww! In hindsight I think maybe he was having a major hangover and by this point in his acting career hated kids! Enjoy the day o'brave one.

Buggys said...

My Buggy girl wants to go to a "live" on stage Dora show! Want to trade? Vodka not included.

Sara said...

Nice! We go every year. The train ride is lame and every year I tell James "Maybe next year we will ride the train." lol Have fun!

Jeanne said...

Sending your link to my daughter, who's 2-year-old, Phinn, is also on-board with Thomas.

Because I have to agree with your assessment of the people on the about-to-fall train....

Otter Thomas said...

Thanks for the book review. You are right. Some of those lines are completely ridiculous. I am so glad that is what I have to look forward to.

Grand Pooba said...

Seriously, what is with Thomas the Train? My nephew is obsessed with him. I've watched the show with him and frankly, it's got to be the most boring show ever.

Who writes with a peep and a poop anyway? What else are you supposed to think of!

dddiva said...

Aaarrrggghhh I am so glad I had girls- now Ian (grandson) loves Thomas but I leave that to his mama to deal with.
Still it beats Barney or Teletubbies hands down. Or the wiggles.
From a distance. :P

Julia said...

I am really happy that the Thomas Frenzy has subsided at my house. I breath a collective sigh of relief for all the parents when I say this will pass.

Vodka Mom said...

my advice? Bring a sippy cup. And when I say sippy cup, well, you KNOW what I mean.........

Mammatalk said...

Nice to pay a visit to the other side. I'm up to my eyeballs in pink lace and tiaras over here!

Love your posts, as usual!

Mary Anna said...

Thing 2 has discovered Thomas and asks to watch it over and over again. Luckily for us, Thing 1 was such a fan that we're set for life! We watch on demand because there are only 3 stories per program. Otherwise, we have multiple DVDs that have something like 10-15 stories each!

All I know is that it mesmorizes the little ones and I can sip coffee and knit!

Elle said...

Eventually Junior will get over his Thomas addiction. J-Man did and Thomas and his friends are gathering dust in a bin under his bed. Now he's obsessed with Yoshi, Mario etc.

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