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ABOUT ME

About me: I'm 42 and added another gherkin to our pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our 9-year-old Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I covered Junior's ears, then my mind went to a naughty place

Tonight I took Junior to the indoor play area at the Mulletville mall. I overheard this conversation between a married couple as they hovered over their twin toddlers:

Mother to daughter, who was sitting on slide: “Abigail, it’s your turn. Go down.”

Father to son, who was standing in line for slide: “Jeffrey, don’t rush your sister.”

Mother: “Abigail, Jeffrey is waiting for his turn.”

Father: “Jeffrey, Abigail will go down when she’s ready. You can wait.”

Mother: “Go down the slide, Abigail.”

Father: “Don’t rush her, Jeffrey.”

Mother: “Abigail! Your brother is being very patient, now go down the slide.

Father: “Jeffrey, you back up and give her space!”

Mother [pushes daughter down slide]: "There. Your turn, Jeffrey."


Can’t you just picture this couple in bed?

Wife: “Richard, it’s my turn. You owe me for last night’s pathetic lay.”

Husband: “Don’t rush me, Francine. You know I need to cuddle first.”

Wife: “Stop pussy footing around, Richard.”

Husband: “I’ll get on top when I’m ready, Francine.”

Wife: “I’m waiting, Richard.”

Husband: “Dammit, Francine, don’t rush me.”

Wife: “Richard, if you don’t get your lame ass in gear I’m going to—”

Husband: “—I said I need some space! You’re ruining it. Now I’m going to need the Viagra again. Are you happy?”

Wife [gets vibrator from night stand]: "Well. He's up to it, Richard."

Love and marriage…love and marriage…falalalalala.

P.S. Don't forget to leave a comment on the post below if you want a chance to win a Diamond Edition Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Blu-ray Combo Pack DVD. You only have until Wednesday night so yes, I'm rushing you!

25 comments:

Julia said...

Was that a leap of cognition? Or just an easy assumption? Either way yer funny. One needs funny when dealing with illness... :)

Ami-la said...

Sounds like they need to relax a little--with their kids and...

Angel said...

Wow that was hilarious! And I totally know the kind of people too! When I used to take Jujube to the play areas there would be at least three parents like that!

blognut said...

I'm pretty sure there are parents like that at every play park in every mall.

They crack me up!

Pricilla said...

Those kids are gonna need counseling. Serious counseling

Shana said...

I can so see how confused those kids are going to be.

Mad Woman said...

You're hilarious! Parents like that really need to chillllll.

mo.stoneskin said...

I hope Jeffrey actually got a turn.

Lindy said...

This post is awesome.

Love that the Mom just took charge and pushed the kid down the slide. There's no lollygagging in sliding, people!

I'm still laughing....and of course you named her Francine, of course you did.

Trac~ said...

LOL - too funny! HA! ;o)

Baby News said...

LOL! I had no idea where that was going. Very funny!

Brandy said...

oh wow. so you just think about other couples in bed? interesting.

Buggys said...

I've seen my share of those parents, poor kids don't know how to make a decision! Then there are those others who leave 3 ten year olds at the mall play area to run at 40 mph and knock over all the little ones while mom is no where to be found! I really don't like those...

The Mother said...

You can tell a lot about a guy by the way he talks to his kids.

Too bad you have to have kids with him to find out.

Anne said...

Oh my, you have left me with nothing to say. That was the most bizarre interaction. Do you think the parents were communicating with each other using the kids. Maybe they were in some type of argument and it carried over to their discussion with the kids.

Madge said...

nothing like using your kids to get at each other.

Stacie's Madness said...

ROFLMAO.
and this is why I love your blog...we're on the same dirty minded level. ;)

Sara said...

That was a leap I've never made. You are hilarious! Dirty mind and all!

Whiskey Girl said...

This gave me the laugh I needed today. Love the Francine & Richard names you used... that shit just crack me the fuck up.

A Mom on Spin said...

Yeah.. . that's what I always do. . . fantasize about other couple's sex lives. . . .

Ann's Rants said...

One of my greatest parenting fantasies is that a slide is ever-available to push your kid down when they're pissing you off.

Big Mama Cass said...

HAHAHAHA That is hilarious!!! Your mind works curiously like my own! haha

Julie@Momspective said...

You and I have the EXACT same (sick) sense of humor. I admire that in a person ;)

Heather Shake-Shake said...

Women think I'm weird that I don't like vibrators but obviously you just explained the reason I don't.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

AHAHAHAHA! My mind was in the gutter during the first part of your post, too...

I like the way you think. ;)