SuperMom can bite me

I was definitely not feeling pissy when I Googled the one term that, quite frankly, makes me nauseous. I was curious, is all. What are people saying about supermoms these days?

I was expecting cutesy articles from MSNBC about how to be a pretty, waif mom who is also a CEO who is also running her own business and growing her own organic vegetables. I was not expecting action figures.

But honk my hooters, there she was in all her glory: The SuperMom action figure.

According to the lovely folks at Happy Worker, a SuperMom wears heels and totes a "mommy bag" that looks like a mailbox, a "super long to-do list" (the "super" makes it super catchy!), a baby with an "anti-boo-boo bonnet", and an oversized cell phone.

Happy Worker people, I loathe you. I hate that SuperMom's tagline is "kisses your boo-boos better" and that you say she juggles career and family "while standing on her head."

If you design an ugly doll that's supposed to be upside-down then why the hell isn't she upside-down?

And who the hell are the men who hang with SuperMom? BossMan? Fine. But GeekMan and MoneyMan? Do they, like, live down the street from SuperMom? Do they help upright her when she's racing down the street on her head trying to super parent her queer child in his lame ass bonnet? Doesn't she need the anti-boo-boo bonnet?

See now, I thought the year was 2008. I thought we all agreed that everyone pitches in. If you're going to give SuperMom a posse, how about people who will actually assist her? My mother, Linda, would make a great action figure. She simultaneously can carry SuperMom's groceries and suggest adult toys to enhance her deflated post-child sex life. And SuperMom's hubby Chuck? You'd save money on having to give your doll hair (sorry, honey) and he can sport the cell phone and check items off the to-do list like a caring, sharing partner should.

I am so wretchedly disgusted I can hardly breathe. I don't aspire to be SuperMom, I will never be SuperMom, and, most importantly, I would never, ever carry a purse that looked like a construction worker's lunchbox.