Sunday, May 15, 2011

Why the hell do we have a deck of cards in the bathroom anyway?

The fricken universe is reading my blog. I know so. How do I know so? Because in my last post, I mentioned the fact that from time to time my children take front row when I'm using the restroom (I refuse to use the p word again—refuse!) and not three days later I was struck with a nasty bout of food poisoning.

I imagine the conversation went something like this:

Universe to E. coli and Staphylococcus: "That whiny Mrs. Mullet thinks she has it so rough with the occasional bathroom performance. Let's really give her something to bitch about."

The vehicle of destruction? A fish sandwich.

A fish sandwich brought to me by my Mulletville Corp co-workers, who invited me to meet for lunch and said they'd bring me something off the menu from Mulletville Restaurant. Why did I eat something made in Mulletville and why did I eat something brought to me by people who have been picking up my slack since December? They probably asked our fellow workers to use the bathroom and then wipe their hands on my fish sandwich.

They were probably trying to kill me.

They achieved something much more painful than death.

First came the chills. Then the fever. Then the crippling stomach cramps. And then... the trips to the bathroom.

They started in the middle of the night. They continued on to the morning, when Chuck left for a freelance gig, despite my pleas for him to not leave me alone with two children in my condition.


The children quickly took their seats.

And again for a repeat performance.

Matinee? Sure! Grab a seat.

Mom's hunched over in pain? Let's look on!

Dinner performance? But of course.

It was one hell of a day. The bright side (there's always a bright side after one has recovered from a near death experience with an ambiguously named "fish" sandwich) is that I realize I have grossly overestimated my children's entertainment requirements. I knew they were content doing pretty much anything with me, but this makes me rethink that whole trip to Disney bologna.

Really, I'd like to see Mickey Mouse be such a sport on the can. At one point when I caught my breath I actually stopped to practice numbers with Junior using a deck of playing cards I found in the bathroom vanity.

"What number is—gasp! moan!—that, honey? Seven? Correct!"

Mother of the year? Yes indeed.


Nanc Twop said...

Oh geez...

A Get Well for you.

So, when Chuck gets back from his (disappearing act) gig, you plan on feeding him the other half of that sandwich?...

Whitney said...

I love you. Never missing an opportunity to make sure Junior is a genius.
You totally deserve Mother of the Year! I hope your Mother's Day was awesome. Chuck owes you; either way.

Pricilla said...

I hope you are feeling better.
If it's any consolation Abby the goat had bloat and had to eat baking soda until she burped it all out.

Or she would have died.

Julia said...

Strange thing...Suzi's 2nd kid came down with something the same last Thursday...poor kid did not make it to the pot several times. And he's 8. Favorite quote of the week - "Mom! My butt just threw up!"

Hope your feeling better.

kyooty said...

oh no!!!!! I hope that's the last run with this?

VandyJ said...

Never underestimate the value of bathroom entertainment for little boys. The bathroom is a magical room for both of mine.
Hope you feel better soon.

Sara said...

Oh no! Hope you are feeling better. Fish sandwiches are always suspect in my book. As for the entertainment factor, you are right, it doesn't take much for little boys.

Vancouver's Enviro Girl said...

WOW. You DO get Mother of the Year award. And probably a hefty therapy bill for Junior when he can't go to the bathroom without his mommy :) Get well soon!

Amanda said...

OMG! I am so sorry and I hope you feel much much better.

kyooty said...

hahahha! I just read this after reading your post this morning.. :)

Toilet Blogging?

Mama Badger said...

Ugh, that just blows. Ewww.

Little boys do love the bathroom. Must be genetic.

The Momma/Nanny said...

:( Fish sandwiches just sound evil to begin with. Barf.

Sparkling said...

i love that you have cards just laying around for the occasional need to practice numbers on the toilet. and think of how well he'll remember his numbers after such a dramatic show!!

SmartBear said...

I am in awe. Seriously. I am also speechless. Because I would have clung to my husband's heels begging and screaming for him to stay. You are a rockstar.
Hope you feel better sister.
P.S. them is some cute kiddos you made! :)

Lady said...

LOL - Just another lovely day of motherhood!!

Anonymous said...

Lady, I've got to say, I'm astonished. God forbid I get stricken with food poisoning, I don't think I'd have the clarity to source activities for other living creatures.

p.s. For better or worse, we have ALL eaten that fish sandwich before.

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