Monday, May 2, 2011

It's the easier concepts that are harder to grasp...

Once upon a time, in 1996, I was single and had my own apartment.

(God, that sounds heavenly.)

During that time, my diet consisted of cereal and beer. Occasionally I baked a cake. The directions always called for the batter to be mixed, but I refused to buy a whisk. I used a fork, and I'd spin it really, really fast. The batter was always lumpy and my wrist was sore but oh no, I was not going to buy a whisk.

For some reason, I had it in my head that whisks were reserved for bridal showers or wedding registries. I knew I'd get married someday (at least I hoped I would); ergo, I'd have a whisk someday.

To dream.

Sometimes my mother helped me baked. She'd look at me quizzically as I handed her the fork, but she never said a word. She just got to work with the fork.

When I got married a decade later, I finally got that whisk. Who needs fine china? My kitchen was complete.

My mother happened to open my drawer one day and see it.

"Finally!" she said. "A fricken whisk."

"I know! I got it from Aunt Such-and-such."

"That's all you got from Aunt Such-and-such?"

"Yah, why?"

"Because whisks are $5."

"They are?" I gasped. "I thought they were expensive. I thought that's why you registered for them."

"No, stupid. Is that why you haven't had a whisk all this time?"

"Yes. Why did you think I didn't have one?"

"I thought you had a whisk hang-up."

"Why would I have a hang-up about a whisk?"

"I don't know!"

"Why didn't you tell me they were only $5? Why?"

"I don't know!"


Once upon a time, in 2011, I was married and had another baby.

(God, I miss that apartment.)

During that time, the baby wanted to be rocked to sleep. He'd fuss and cry while lying flat, so I had the brilliant idea of putting him in his car carrier and swinging it with one arm. Sometimes in the middle of the night. For a long, long time. Sometimes for so long I got blisters.

Sometimes my mother helped me swing the baby. She'd look at me quizzically as I handed her the carrier, but she never said a word. She just got to work with the carrier.

For some reason, I continued to do this. Even though the carrier weighed 100 pounds and the baby weighed 15 and I was beginning to look like a body builder.

My mother happened to find me one day, assuming the pose (that's how it's known in the house: "assuming the pose." See?)

"Listen, jackass!" she said. "They make things that'll do that for you."

"You mean swing the baby?"

"Yes. Some of them are only $50."

"They are?" I gasped. "I thought they were really expensive."

"No. Is that why you've been swinging the kid all this time?"

"I don't know. I'm so tired I can't remember. Why didn't you tell me they were only $50? Why?"

"Because I'm actually getting some definition in my arms."

"Oh. Well, here. You can swing him then."

I went and took a nap. I'm not that slow, you know.

Now I need a swing. Or some hand balm.


Pricilla said...

What you need is something that will whisk your kid and swing your cake!


The Mother said...

I've always thought that the best way to handle any problem was to throw a little money at it. If I had money to throw, that is.

Kitchen gadgets are cheap and generally worth their weight in cheese, at least. Kid gadgets are worth even more.

Keely said...

I "assumed the position" a lot with X. Those "things that can do it for you" are NOT THE SAME, apparently, to a 4 month old. No, no. It had to be the 20 lb car seat.

I miss being all buff and muscly, though.

Sparkling said...

i am so with you on the refusing to buy things before the wedding thing. but i'm 36, no wedding yet, so i've had to buy a few things. like a wisk. or a $3500 greenhouse. or whatever. but i'm still holding out on the kitchenaid mixer.

i love the
'position' complete with hand on wall to brace yourself. i hate to swing, so i can't find it in me to think that babies like to swing, so i would have a hard time forking over the cash for a swing. i'm afraid the baby would hate it too, just like me and then i would have spent money for nothing.

Joan said...

I never bought a whisk before because I too thought they were expensive...beause all the chef's used them on TV. Then I saw them at the dollar store for ...wait for it...a dollar!!

MamaTech said...

My daughter - now 4 months old - had the same problem with not wanting to be laid flat. It may be overkill, but have you looked at the symptoms for acid reflux in infants (also known as gastro intestinal reflux...GER)? Once I put two-and-two together with my daughter's odd behavior, her doctor prescribed some twice-a-day medicine. She has been a different baby ever since (going on two months now, with no need to sleep in the upright position). Just a changed my frickin', life, yo.

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